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Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

For discussions related to education and educational institutions.
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Lifelinking
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Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#1 Post by Lifelinking » September 24th, 2009, 1:52 pm

Parenting (in whatever form it may take) has a very important influence on, and is a very important part of, a child's education.

What you think makes a good parent?
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jaywhat
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#2 Post by jaywhat » September 24th, 2009, 2:01 pm

Lifelinking wrote: What you think makes a good parent?

What makes a good parent what?

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Lifelinking
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#3 Post by Lifelinking » September 24th, 2009, 2:09 pm

Well exactly, it is a loaded question.

So.....
"Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice."
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Marian
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#4 Post by Marian » September 24th, 2009, 7:14 pm

Great question! I am really curious what got you started on this.

There are so many qualities that make a good parent but, imo, the ability of the parent to connect with the child is crucial and the ability to say "I'm sorry" to the child when you f*** up (cause we all do) and discipline.

Defining 'connect with child': hearing and seeing the child for who they are (not what the parent wants to see), actively listening to them.
Discipline: to teach self-control to, patiently and thoughtfully(as much as is possible) through example, not through beating or harsh punishment.
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Alan C.
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#5 Post by Alan C. » September 24th, 2009, 8:13 pm

My mother taught us (all seven of us) to read and write before we started school aged five, she also taught us all
(five boys and two girls) how to cook (real food) around the age of eight or nine.

At the age of 82 she is now bringing up (teaching) her two grandchildren aged 12 and 10.
She to me is a good parent, (but I'm biased) :wink:

I can't comment about myself or Mary as we chose not to become parents (but we're very good with dogs) :smile:
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#6 Post by Felicia » September 24th, 2009, 10:09 pm

As many of you know, I work as a child psychotherapist. A good parent is someone who was well parented themselves. It goes back through the generations. We parent as we were parented: which needs to be remembered when we vilify paedophiles, baby P's parents etc. If it was awful, some people try very hard to do something different with their own children, and they may succeed up to a point. But the trouble with bringing up children is that they push you to the extremes, where all the good intentions in the world do no good whatsoever. There's very little escape at the extreme ends.

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#7 Post by Marian » September 25th, 2009, 1:30 pm

Felicia wrote:As many of you know, I work as a child psychotherapist. A good parent is someone who was well parented themselves. It goes back through the generations. We parent as we were parented: which needs to be remembered when we vilify paedophiles, baby P's parents etc. If it was awful, some people try very hard to do something different with their own children, and they may succeed up to a point. But the trouble with bringing up children is that they push you to the extremes, where all the good intentions in the world do no good whatsoever. There's very little escape at the extreme ends.
I can see that you are kind-hearted and I'm sure you are a lovely psychotherapist. I'm just having some trouble and maybe I am misunderstanding your point. On the surface your statement about being well parented makes sense but it is a generalization, kinda vague and not always true; what do you think makes a good parent specifically? A great deal of the time we parent as we were parented for a number of reasons: we may not know anything different, we can be lazy, we can think they(parents) did a good job when they actually didn't, we need to justify our own actions. I think it is unfair to say that people who were parented badly can only be successful to a point. Ouch.

With knowledge of alternative parenting styles, learning self-control,guidance and dedication, I think, it is more than possible to be successful. Of course, no matter what we do, there are no guarantees everything will turn out as planned. Our children may have their own issues no matter how well we parented but we need to do the best job anyway.

I completely agree that children can push you, however, that doesn't necessarily excuse our destructive behaviour as parents. Blaming the child(victim) isn't a good enough reason to behave badly. Self-control can be learned; we don't have to freak out because our children test our limits. That is their job,imo. Often the easier way is to freak out but that doesn't make it right.

As for remembering that pedophiles (we spell it differently) have experienced abuse from their parents. I think the jury is still out on that one. http://www.mayoclinicproceedings.com/co ... ull#sec-10 Check the paragraph on environmental or social factors which states: The numbers reported for pedophiles who were abused as children range from 28% to 93% vs approximately 15% for random controls. Criminals will say/do anything to remove responsibility from themselves http://www.associatedcontent.com/articl ... y_and.html so we can't necessarily rely on self-reported claims of abuse.
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Gottard
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#8 Post by Gottard » September 25th, 2009, 3:46 pm

After divorce I was assigned my son then 6, now 15, for care and upbringing.
First thing first I taught him to be absolutely sincere and loyal to his father (me);
Even if tired I endeavour to listen to him (if nothing else to understand his needs, his views);
Never asked him to bring me something, sort of what you do with a dog;
I do apologize if I did something causing hurt to him and I insist that the converse is also attained;
Always advise him about solutions I would adopt in his place but conceding that he may choose to do otherwise - as we have not the same mind;
Say a firm NO if I understand that a "line of action" is not suitable as leading to a wrong conclusion/danger, of course, explaining the reason;
Exhort him to be confidant to his father.

As difficult as that!
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#9 Post by Beki » March 27th, 2010, 9:21 pm

I guess everyone has a different idea and some of the things I would say (in no particular order)

To be a good role model and live up to the standards you expect them to have
To instil them with a sense of confidence and self-worth but also respect for others
Lots of Cuddles
To understand that they are a person in themselves and not an extension of you
Consistency & stability (discipline - non-violent!!)
Honesty

That's just off the top of my head, I'm sure there are loads more. Hey, if only someone would write a handbook with a guaranteed outcome!
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - M Ghandi

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#10 Post by Beki » March 27th, 2010, 10:46 pm

Felicia wrote:As many of you know, I work as a child psychotherapist. A good parent is someone who was well parented themselves. It goes back through the generations. We parent as we were parented: which needs to be remembered when we vilify paedophiles, baby P's parents etc. If it was awful, some people try very hard to do something different with their own children, and they may succeed up to a point. But the trouble with bringing up children is that they push you to the extremes, where all the good intentions in the world do no good whatsoever. There's very little escape at the extreme ends.
Hmmmm - to an extent I suppose (and you have more experience of this than me). However, I think that there are some societal factors at work which are also affecting things. Whereas my mother and grandmothers generation expected to put themselves second when they had a family, there is a more of a 'me' culture now (which is good in some ways because I love when people aspire to reach their potential). However I think there are more people now who are less willing to accept that life just changes when you have kids. End of. No, you can't keep going out and getting blootered every weekend (or eating out in that restaurant when you are on holiday and the kids need to be in bed) - that part of your life is just over until they are older - accept it.

I'm not saying that you have to completely sacrifice your wants and needs for your kids, but if you are going to bring someone else into the worrld then they have to come first and it seems as though a generation of 'entitlement' seems to be over-riding this responsibility. Oops - sorry, a bit of a rant there.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - M Ghandi

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#11 Post by Manuel » March 28th, 2010, 5:48 am

I have a couple of little darlings. Personally I think Beki above has summed it up quite nicely.

Being a good role model is the most important part I think. If you lead a happy, active life, have some interests, be nice to people, you know - normal stuff, and your kiddie can watch you do all that and share what goes on in your day to day world then that's three quarters of the job done I reckon. Kids love to get involved in day to day stuff don't they.

That makes me sound whiter than white. I'm not. If we had a What makes a bad parent thread I'd start with "fiddling with the computer for half the day and ignoring your kids". I really should keep it off before bedtime.

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#12 Post by Marian » March 28th, 2010, 11:54 am

Manuel and Beki, I'm having a hard time adding anything more to what you both said but I've come to see that humour is incredibly important. Laughing together and oh yeah, praising them for a job well done.
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#13 Post by getreal » March 28th, 2010, 4:09 pm

Personally, I favour the Cesar Millan philosophy.
Exercise, dicipline and love (in that order).

Lots of exercise to ensure they don't ahve too much energy left over to get up to any nonsense.
Plenty of discipline to ensure they know the boundries.
Love. A quick "well done" and an occasional chew is sufficient, but you can throw a ball for them to fetch if you must.


and if that doesn't work, get them a summer job abroad and with any luck they will meet the love of their life and settle elsewhere!

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#14 Post by Fia » March 28th, 2010, 5:27 pm

:pointlaugh:

And I would add to the pot what I think is an essential job of a parent is to equip your children with the skills and encourage the confidence to live their own independent lives. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents send their offspring off to university not having a clue how to cook, shop, use a washing machine, vacuum cleaner or toilet brush, bank, budget etc. It's sending them into the world with one hand tied behind their back, and so unnecessary :angry:

Phew! feel better for the mini-rant. Thank you :D

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#15 Post by getreal » March 28th, 2010, 8:43 pm

I remember someone, who worked as a domestic cleaner for a family in Edinburgh, suggesting to the daughter of the house that she go on her bicycle to her friends house (I think she had asked for a lift) to which she replied that she was not allowed to cycle on the roads.

She was 18 years old.





I have no idea where I heard this story and therefore it may be utter pants.
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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#16 Post by Paolo » March 29th, 2010, 2:49 pm

I find the question difficult - how are we defining "good" and from whose perspective? What makes a parent good in one child's eyes might be bad in another child's eyes, or the opinion might change as the child grows up, or the opinion may be different from an outsider's perspective, etc.

For example, I was left alone for much of my childhood, which suited me well, whereas other children may have been upset by the lack of human companionship.

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#17 Post by Nick » March 29th, 2010, 3:56 pm

If you are bringing up children, I think it is impossible for you to be deemed to be a good parent.

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You shouldn't be eating children in the first place. :scorepoint:

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#18 Post by grammar king » March 29th, 2010, 4:15 pm

getreal wrote:I remember someone, who worked as a domestic cleaner for a family in Edinburgh, suggesting to the daughter of the house that she go on her bicycle to her friends house (I think she had asked for a lift) to which she replied that she was not allowed to cycle on the roads.

She was 18 years old.

I have no idea where I heard this story and therefore it may be utter pants.
To be fair now, if she had to cycle through Toll Cross or Leith Walk or something, it's probably a good idea.

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#19 Post by leniegrace » May 9th, 2011, 2:10 pm

No one is perfect and no parent is perfect - everyone has their ups and downs so try not to be tough on yourself if you get it wrong sometimes. Parenting teens, kids and adults comes from the heart and involves accepting the uniqueness of your child and each child. It involves accepting their own individual personality and interests which in turn will develop your child's confidence to be true to themselves. The most basic thing is to be a good role model for your children.. Having time with your kids can make you a good parent. You learn more every day about how to become a good parent through the experiences you have with your children. A good parent should never make judgments when the child makes any mistake. In anyway we can, there are no quick, easy and definitive answers to what makes a good parent.

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Re: Bringing up children - what makes a good parent?

#20 Post by lewist » May 9th, 2011, 10:23 pm

Hi, leniegrace and welcome to TH.

I agree it's hard to be a good parent and there is no easy way. I am off to take my baby son out tomorrow for his 28th birthday. I can't believe how quickly time vanishes. It's only moments since he was born.

My children are all adults and they agree their Mum and I got it more or less right. That makes me feel good. Something else that makes me feel good is that my daughter and her husband are taking their two year old to holiday where we took our three on their first trip abroad, to Perros Guirec on the North Breton coast.
Carpe diem. Savour every moment.

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