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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#321 Postby VINDICATOR » March 14th, 2018, 2:24 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

Stephen Hawking, the great British scientist and humanist is gone. Aside from his uncanny insight into the universe and it's mysteries, he was very loyal to the human race and did everything in his power to protect us from
destruction and self destruction. For instance, he warned us about contacting aliens with superior technology and used the example of how the colonialists with superior technology treated the backward Indians! Why do I call him a Humanist? Let him speak for himself. Here are some of his Quotes:
On religion:
"I believe the simplest explanation is there is no God. No one created the universe, and no one directs our fate. (We are responsible for our own fate) This leads me to the profound realization that there is no Heaven and no afterlife either. We have this one life to appreciate the grand design of the universe, and for that, I am extremely grateful!"
"I regard the brain as a computer, which will stop working when it's components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers! That is a fairy tale for people afraid of the dark!"

See how brave he was. for dozens of years he was living on the edge of death. That didn't scare him at all, he spent all his time in the service of humanity! He wasn't like the scaredy-cat Pascal who was so afraid of going to Hell that he went to Church and worshipped God anyway, even though he knew God was a figment of the imagination! Hawking's philosophy is very similar to Einstein's. As they say, "Great minds run in the same circles"!

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#322 Postby animist » March 14th, 2018, 5:24 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Dear animist,
Since the Boko Haram call themselves Muslims, then any army going to liberate the girls they kidnapped would have to be Muslim too, for 2 reasons:
First of all, only a Muslim liberation army can vindicate Islam for the crimes of the Muslim Boko Haram. An infidel army liberating those poor girls would be proof that all Muslims are either bad or at least they condone evil done by other bad Muslims.
Secondly, sending an infidel army to fight the Muslim Boko Haram would be seen as "international anti Islam bigotry"!
There are several Muslim armies that could easily pull it off. The Iranian and Saudi Arabian armies are even powerful enough to fight the US army! It would only take a few days for them to do it. What are they waiting for? What are your Muslim friends waiting for?
I don't have any Muslim friends either, though I have known several very reasonable ones. Obviously I was not really serious about you as general - but it would have been as head of a Muslim, not infidel, army! Muslims fight each other in so much of the MIddle East, I gladly agree, though the reasons may not always be religious. And of course so-called Christians were fighting each other on a much grander scale up to the end of World War 2 - they have hardly shown the way and can hardly complain about Muslims nowadays. OTOH, on the religion itself, I do agree with you about apostasy (plus blasphemy) being a capital crime in some Muslim countries; time to grow up

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#323 Postby VINDICATOR » March 15th, 2018, 1:34 pm

DEar animist,
Thanks for relieving me of the duty to lead an army to liberate those poor school girls kidnapped by the Boko Haram for sex slaves!
When you compare the Christians to the Muslims you have to consider the time scale. The Christian Church was very horrible 4 Centuries ago when it burned 10 million people at the stake. However, it has evolved into the friendly religion you see today which does more good than evil. It's just possible that Islam will one day evolve into a friendly religion too, like Christianity is today. But as things are going today, I'm afraid it will take a few Centuries! During this time of evolution, what can we do to reduce the negative aspects of Islam, such as Boko Haram, ISIS, Taliban, Al-Shebaab, etc.?
So you know some "very reasonable" Muslims. Please ask them for their opinion on what should be done to liberate the school girl sex slaves. Are they eager to vindicate their religion? Or will they just let the infidels solve the problem?

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#324 Postby VINDICATOR » March 17th, 2018, 1:53 pm

What the American Taliban is saying about Hawking:
I have heard this said dozens of times by the Evangelists recently:
"Hawking says we've never seen God and can't prove that there is one, why should we believe that there is a God? Well, (gleefully), he's got a big surprise coming! He's face to face with God now, and God is going to send him to Hell where he can repent for eternity! (didn't he write something about time?)"
Since Hawking is dead, he can't answer them directly, so I will give them an answer that I think Hawking might have given them:
"If that is the case, then you better prepare yourself for an even bigger surprise when you find out that you have been worshipping the wrong God! All Gods are jealous, and worshipping the wrong God is much worse than worshipping no God! You will be be burning in hell for 2 eternities!"

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#325 Postby VINDICATOR » March 19th, 2018, 2:52 pm

Another quote from Hawking who is also famous for his humor:
"I can tell you all about relativity, quantum, black holes, big bangs, etc. but please don't ask me to explain Brexit!"
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#326 Postby VINDICATOR » March 21st, 2018, 4:23 pm

I just saw in www.independent that there is a surge in Muslim immigrants in the UK being jailed for drug offences, increasing from 2089 in 2010 to 3406 in 2017, whereas the non-Muslim drug pushers have decreased!. The analysis for the reason is that most of the Muslim immigrants live in poor "deprived" communities, with low incomes and poor education. The solution is very simple: Move all the Muslims to rich communities, give them a college education and then give them a high paying job so they don't need to push drugs! Since you took in so many refugees, then you should be responsible for them! You can't just take them in, forget about them, and let them assimilate on their own! Like Jesus said, "You should walk the second mile!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 511
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#327 Postby VINDICATOR » March 24th, 2018, 1:53 pm

England produced two giants of science, Newton and Hawking. Before Newton, humanity had only kindergarten knowledge of the universe. Newton educated humanity to high school knowledge of the universe. Hawking is in the same class as Einstein -giving humanity a college lesson on the workings of the universe. However, Hawking should be honored the most. That's because, although his body was on the edge of death for dozens of years, however he never spent any time on worrying about his own "after life". He was only worried about the destiny of the human race! For instance, he said that "we shouldn't put all our eggs in the same basket, the earth is unreliable, there are dozens of ways it could become unable to sustain us humans, we should spread humans throughout the cosmos. We should make colonies on other planets, including exoplanets". He even risked his life to take a ride on a zero-gravity plane used to train astronauts in order to expedite space travel! If you think he's crying "wolf" then listen to what I saw in the Media today:
There is an artificial island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean called the GPGP, ie. the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch"! It has an area of 600,000 sq. miles,as large as 3 Frances, and is composed entirely of garbage, and growing at a tremendous rate. One day the Pacific Ocean will disappear! One day in the not too distant future our Earth wil become a huge cess-pool and garbage dump! We better take Hawking's warning seriously before we become gutter-rats living in a huge garbage pile!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#328 Postby VINDICATOR » March 26th, 2018, 2:37 pm

Today let's have some light comedy. This joke will only be appreciated by those over 70 years old.

The 60th high school class reunion:
In the half dozen people in the party there was a widow and a widower who had been in the same class and had sat next to each other. The widower smiled across the table and the widow smiled coyly back.
After they had a dance together, the widower mustered up some courage and asked the widow, "will you marry me?"
It took her 6 seconds to make up her mind, and she replied, "Yes, yes I will!"
Then they had a very happy evening. However, there was great trouble the next morning. No matter how much he searched his mind, he couldn't remember if she had said "yes" or "no"!
After wracking his brains for some time he still couldn't remember. So he picked up the phone with fear and trepidation and got up the courage to ask her "did you say yes or no?"
"Why you silly man" she said, "I said yes I will, and I meant it with all my heart!" The widower's heart skipped a couple of beats, then the widow continued: "I'm so glad you called because I couldn't recall who asked me!"

:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#329 Postby VINDICATOR » April 1st, 2018, 7:23 am

Today is a very special day, because it is not only Easter but also April Fools Day!
If it was up to me, I would put Easter on April 1st every year because Easter is one of the biggest scams in history. If you weren't brain washed you would agree with me. First God makes a talking serpent to trick Adam into eating the "Forbidden Fruit". This gives us all the descendents of Adam "original sin" and will burn in Hell. (Imagine punishing us all for something our ancestor did!) But God "loved us so much", that he laid the virgin Mary (only 12 years old) and made her bear his son so he could be murdered to save us from Hell if we believed all this funny business about his rising from the dead! Since only about 20% of the World population believes this hog-wash that means that about 6 billion people alive today are going to Hell to burn for eternity! Imagine how many souls will be going to Hell down through the ages!
But wait! I haven't told you the funniest part yet!
Have you ever read the Bible? So you go cherry-picking too? Jesus himself said that he never died but went directly to Heaven on "Good" Friday! There were 2 criminals being crucified with Jesus. One of them said that Jesus shouldn't be punished because he didn't do anything wrong. Thus we have this conversation between him and Jesus in Luke 23: 42-43. He said "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." and Jesus replied "Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in Paradise." Voila! That means Jesus is going directly to Paradise to welcome his new friend and not to the grave! So you see, Easter is just a big scam!! However, I thank the Church for giving us the Easter Bunny and egg hunts etc.which I enjoyed when I was a child!

:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#330 Postby VINDICATOR » April 6th, 2018, 12:41 pm

The joke of the Century: Saudi Arabia is going to liberate it's women!
I just saw in the media a day or two ago that the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman said that "Women are absolutely equal to men!" This is where he is using taqiyya to humor Trump to sell more munitions to him! It's impossible!
Saudi Arabia has no civil laws. It's run srictly on Sharia Law. If he was really going to liberate the women then he would have to abolish Sharia Law! Do you know what Sharia Law says about women? Here are some examples:
--A woman or girl guilty of adultery should be put to death.
--A girl victim of rape has to have 4 male witnesses willing to testify to her innocence. Otherwise she is guilty of adultery and should be put to death! (If there were 4 men watching the show, it would probably be a gang-rape!)
--Muslim men can rape any woman not wearing a Hijab (a mini-tent).
--A muslim man can have 4 wives, and an unspecified number of concubines and temporary wives. (Muhammed had 13 wives, but he is an exception)
--A Muslim man can take an infant girl for a wife. (Muhammed married Aisha when she was only 6) Although they are permitted to have sex, (such as groping and oral) however, the man is not allowed to stick his penis into her vagina until she reaches the ripe old age of 9, which was the age of Aisha when Muhammed did it!
--A girl's clitoris should be amputated (Muhammed said so). Since she's left with only scar tissue, sex for her is more pain than pleasure, so she behaves herself sexually and her husband can rest assured!
--A man can beat his wife if she doesn't obey him.
There is plenty more, but I'm afraid you are getting tired of this!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#331 Postby VINDICATOR » April 7th, 2018, 12:25 pm

Most of the Muslim countries have religious police to ensure Sharia law!. In Saudi Arabia it's called the "Mutaween". On March 11 2002, a school in Mecca caught fire. A batallion of the Mutaween rushed to the school to prevent the school-girls not wearing hijabs and abayas to escape. they were all beaten back into the fire, resulting in 15 school-girls burning to death and wounding 50 more! This is not an uncommon experience in Muslim countries.
What is Mohammed bin Salman going to do with his Mutaween to prove that "women are absolutely equal to men"? How about creating an all woman branch of the Mutaween to guarantee this "equality"?

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#332 Postby animist » April 7th, 2018, 12:33 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Most of the Muslim countries have religious police to ensure Sharia law!. In Saudi Arabia it's called the "Mutaween". On March 11 2002, a school in Mecca caught fire. A batallion of the Mutaween rushed to the school to prevent the school-girls not wearing hijabs and abayas to escape. they were all beaten back into the fire, resulting in 15 school-girls burning to death and wounding 50 more! This is not an uncommon experience in Muslim countries.
What is Mohammed bin Salman going to do with his Mutaween to prove that "women are absolutely equal to men"? How about creating an all woman branch of the Mutaween to guarantee this "equality"?
agreed. Has there actually been another "not uncommon experience" like the appalling incident that you mention?

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#333 Postby animist » April 7th, 2018, 12:37 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Another quote from Hawking who is also famous for his humor:
"I can tell you all about relativity, quantum, black holes, big bangs, etc. but please don't ask me to explain Brexit!"
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:
you mentioned the forbidden word! Please call it "biscuit" from now on, VInnie. Most Brits are sick of this topic, though your friendly animist co-locutor loves it! BTW, please keep posting even if you do not get a response. It is always good to hear a transatlantic voice

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#334 Postby animist » April 7th, 2018, 12:40 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:The joke of the Century: Saudi Arabia is going to liberate it's women!
I just saw in the media a day or two ago that the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman said that "Women are absolutely equal to men!" This is where he is using taqiyya to humor Trump to sell more munitions to him! It's impossible!
Saudi Arabia has no civil laws. It's run srictly on Sharia Law. If he was really going to liberate the women then he would have to abolish Sharia Law! Do you know what Sharia Law says about women? Here are some examples:
--A woman or girl guilty of adultery should be put to death.
--A girl victim of rape has to have 4 male witnesses willing to testify to her innocence. Otherwise she is guilty of adultery and should be put to death! (If there were 4 men watching the show, it would probably be a gang-rape!)
--Muslim men can rape any woman not wearing a Hijab (a mini-tent).
--A muslim man can have 4 wives, and an unspecified number of concubines and temporary wives. (Muhammed had 13 wives, but he is an exception)
--A Muslim man can take an infant girl for a wife. (Muhammed married Aisha when she was only 6) Although they are permitted to have sex, (such as groping and oral) however, the man is not allowed to stick his penis into her vagina until she reaches the ripe old age of 9, which was the age of Aisha when Muhammed did it!
--A girl's clitoris should be amputated (Muhammed said so). Since she's left with only scar tissue, sex for her is more pain than pleasure, so she behaves herself sexually and her husband can rest assured!
--A man can beat his wife if she doesn't obey him.
There is plenty more, but I'm afraid you are getting tired of this!
don't worry about a thing on that score, we need someone to bring us back to the basics of loathing religion. Just check what you say is true - I am not sure that all of this post is true

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#335 Postby animist » April 7th, 2018, 12:43 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:I just saw in http://www.independent that there is a surge in Muslim immigrants in the UK being jailed for drug offences, increasing from 2089 in 2010 to 3406 in 2017, whereas the non-Muslim drug pushers have decreased!. The analysis for the reason is that most of the Muslim immigrants live in poor "deprived" communities, with low incomes and poor education. The solution is very simple: Move all the Muslims to rich communities, give them a college education and then give them a high paying job so they don't need to push drugs! Since you took in so many refugees, then you should be responsible for them! You can't just take them in, forget about them, and let them assimilate on their own! Like Jesus said, "You should walk the second mile!"

actually Britain has not taken in that many Muslim refugees. Most Muslims have come here because of our historical links with former British Empire countries like Pakistan and Bangladesh. We are more sinning than sinned against, IMO

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#336 Postby animist » April 7th, 2018, 12:45 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:England produced two giants of science, Newton and Hawking. Before Newton, humanity had only kindergarten knowledge of the universe. Newton educated humanity to high school knowledge of the universe. Hawking is in the same class as Einstein -giving humanity a college lesson on the workings of the universe. However, Hawking should be honored the most. That's because, although his body was on the edge of death for dozens of years, however he never spent any time on worrying about his own "after life". He was only worried about the destiny of the human race! For instance, he said that "we shouldn't put all our eggs in the same basket, the earth is unreliable, there are dozens of ways it could become unable to sustain us humans, we should spread humans throughout the cosmos. We should make colonies on other planets, including exoplanets". He even risked his life to take a ride on a zero-gravity plane used to train astronauts in order to expedite space travel! If you think he's crying "wolf" then listen to what I saw in the Media today:
There is an artificial island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean called the GPGP, ie. the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch"! It has an area of 600,000 sq. miles,as large as 3 Frances, and is composed entirely of garbage, and growing at a tremendous rate. One day the Pacific Ocean will disappear! One day in the not too distant future our Earth wil become a huge cess-pool and garbage dump! We better take Hawking's warning seriously before we become gutter-rats living in a huge garbage pile!

the fact that we are messing up the Earth does not give us the right to mess up other planets, does it?

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#337 Postby VINDICATOR » April 8th, 2018, 7:02 am

Dear animist,
Thanks for having the patience to read my rantings and giving advice.
There are only two alternatives for ensuring the destiny of the human race. We must either maintain the Earth suitable for our existence, or hop to other planets. Either way, the difficulties are mind boggling!
My comments are all based on what I believe are reliable sources. However, even saints and sages are sometimes mistaken. Here is a bit of news that was in the world-wide media in 2013 and I'm sure you must have seen it too:

It's not just Saudi Arabia which is fettered by the shackles of Sharia, The UAE is pretty bad too. In 2013 a Norwegian girl was raped in Dubai. She reported it to the police hoping get justice. However, since she couldn't get 4 male witnesses to prove her innocence, she was sentenced to 16 months in prison for adultery! They were very lenient to her because she was an expat. If she was a local girl she could get a death sentence! The Norwegian government worked very hard for several months to free her, and finally the UAE Sheik Mohammedal Maktoum personally pardonned her for being raped! Imagine, "pardonned for being raped"!
She wasn't the only girl sentenced to prison for being raped in Dubai. A little earlier that year an Australian girl Alicia Gali was sentenced to 8 monthes in prison for being gang-raped by 3 men. The Australian government didn't help her and she served out her sentence!
Here I warn women going to Sharia countries: If you're raped, DON'T REPORT IT!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#338 Postby VINDICATOR » April 8th, 2018, 7:08 am

I'm sorry that I forgot to give you the name of the Norwegian girl sentenced for 16 months for being raped./ Her name was Marte Deborah Dalelv, 24 years old.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#339 Postby VINDICATOR » April 8th, 2018, 1:33 pm

Witch hunting in the 21st Century. Here is a joke that is sure to make you want to cry:

A Dallas (USA) pastor, Aracely Meza, was sentenced to 99 years in prison last Friday for starving a toddler to death! She said that a demon had posessed the toddler and "God told her" that the only way to exorcise the demon was by starving the child! The child was not given food for 3 weeks and the demon was "exorcised"! The child died too, of course. The moral of this news item is: Keep away from those people who say that "God talks to them"!
Find the article about this on a leading media and read the details.

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#340 Postby VINDICATOR » April 11th, 2018, 6:27 am

Christians do and say so many funny things that it makes it very easy for me to amuse you!

I just saw a news article on the CNN. Have you ever heard of the Marie Stopes clinic in Ealing London that will perform abortions that have been legal for 50 years in the UK? Well there is an army of Fundie-geeks harassing the the clinic trying to stop the abortions. They say that abortion is murder and should be punished by the death sentence! I saw a photo of one of the big signs they put up saying: In the Bible in Jeremiah 1:5 God says: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you!" (This verse was found by an expert on cherry-picking!) Now, before we were formed, we were just sperm and ovaries. Does God know personally all the millions of sperm and ovaries there are in just one orgasm? Did God know before-hand which sperm was going to unite with which ovary? God is busy enough keeping 24 hours/day surveilance on 7 billion people, does he keep surveilance on the trillions of sperm and ovaries too? This means that not only abortion is murder, contraception is also murder! Why all the fuss about guns in the US? Contraception kills thousands of times more people! Put all the makers, sellers, and users of contraceptives behind bars and save millions of lives!
Why are the Fundies so stingy about a few abortions? God killed millions of babies born and unborn (ie. fetuses) when he brought on the Great Flood! If the Fundies are serious about saving lives, why don't the Fundies save the lives of the tens of thousands of children that die every year due to war and starvation? Are fetuses more important than children?

However, UK is better than the US where abortion workers have actually been murdered! In the US abortion clinics have to hire security guards! The staff has to keep changing their routes to go to work to protect themselves!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#341 Postby Tetenterre » April 12th, 2018, 9:23 am

VINDICATOR wrote: they were all beaten back into the fire, resulting in 15 school-girls burning to death and wounding 50 more!
I am in no way defending tghe despicable actions of the police in this matter, but you neglected to mention that most of the victims were crushed or trampled, a consequence of poor fire safety measures such as fire escapes. The school also apparently lacked fire extinguishers, fire doors, and fire alarms. It is also the case that the most vehement condemnation of the police role in this tragedy came from other Muslims, via the Saudi press. https://www.hrw.org/news/2002/03/14/sau ... criticized

animist wrote:Has there actually been another "not uncommon experience" like the appalling incident that you mention?
Yes. One. 12 years later. http://english.alarabiya.net/en/News/mi ... proar.html
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.


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