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Limericks

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Limericks

#1 Post by Tetenterre » August 18th, 2011, 3:51 pm

A couple to get us started...

There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice rose hoir and hoir
Till it reached such a height
It was clear out of seight,
And they found it next day on the spoir.

A girl who weighed many an oz
Used language I dare not pronoz,
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind,
Just to see, so he said, if she'd boz.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Limericks

#2 Post by Nick » August 18th, 2011, 4:03 pm

There was a young lady from Salisbury
Whose conduct was quite halisbury-scalisbury
She danced around Hampshire
Without her pampshire
Till the bishop compelled her to Walisbury.

:D

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Griblet
Posts: 174
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 1:45 pm

Re: Limericks

#3 Post by Griblet » August 18th, 2011, 6:18 pm

There was an old man of Antigua
Who said to his wife, 'what a pigua'.
She replied, 'oh. my sweet,
Do you mean how I eat,
Or do you refer to my figua?'

There was an old man of Dunoon
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said, 'since I eat
Neither fowl, fish nor flesh
I should otherwise finish too quick.'

-----------------
Please can we have an advance ruling on rhymes with Nantucket?
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Limericks

#4 Post by Tetenterre » August 18th, 2011, 6:49 pm

Nick wrote:There was a young lady from Salisbury
:hilarity:

Consider this student from Exeter
So pretty that men craned their nexeter
One was such a knave
That he'd take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sexeter
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Griblet
Posts: 174
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 1:45 pm

Re: Limericks

#5 Post by Griblet » August 19th, 2011, 8:51 am

There was a young couple from Aberystwyth
Who connected the parts that they kissed with,
And as they grew older
They also grew bolder
And connected the parts that they shook hands with.


There was a young plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea;
She said, 'someone's coming!'
Said the plumber, still plumbing,
'If anyone's coming, it's me!'
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Limericks

#6 Post by Tetenterre » August 19th, 2011, 11:00 am

Griblet wrote: Please can we have an advance ruling on rhymes with Nantucket?
The ruling is that anyone posting rhymes with Nantucket or Buckingham buys all the beers and dinner if we ever meet up.

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgings
And swarms with erotic effects
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Dave B
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Limericks

#7 Post by Dave B » August 19th, 2011, 11:14 am

A fellow from old Nantucket
Had hot water in a tin bucket
He dipped in a toe
Yelled, loudly "OH!"
Stuck his toe in his mouth to sucket

Apart from stretching poetic license what's wrong with that? :shrug:
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Emma Woolgatherer
Posts: 2976
Joined: February 27th, 2008, 12:17 pm

Re: Limericks

#8 Post by Emma Woolgatherer » August 19th, 2011, 11:40 am

There was a young lady from Twickenham
Whose shoes were too tight to walk quick in 'em
She walked for a mile
Then sat on a stile
And took off her shoes and was sick in 'em

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Dave B
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Limericks

#9 Post by Dave B » August 19th, 2011, 12:02 pm

A pet was known, shortly, as Icky
Which is a name a trifle tricky
It can equate with "Drecky"
(Synonymous with "Yecky")
And can also mean sort of sicky
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Griblet
Posts: 174
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 1:45 pm

Re: Limericks

#10 Post by Griblet » August 19th, 2011, 12:17 pm

A dirty young lady of Cheadle
Gave a dose of the clap to the Beadle;
When she asked, 'does it itch?'
He said, 'yes, you damn bitch,
And it burns like hell fire when I peedle.'

There was a young gaucho called Bruno,
Who said. 'there eez one thing I do know:
A woman eez fine,
A young boy eez divine,
But a llama eez numero uno.'

On the bosom of young Abigail
Was tatooed the price of her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Limericks

#11 Post by Dave B » August 19th, 2011, 12:39 pm

Whilst filling his belly with Moet
A chap thought himself quite the poet
But he got very tiddly
Found the meter extremely fiddly
And couldn't find a rhyme for the last line . . .


:D
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Limericks

#12 Post by Nick » August 19th, 2011, 1:16 pm

There was a yong man from Sydenham,
Cried "My trousers!" Where have you hydenham?"
It's perfectly true
They're not brand new
But I foolishly left several quidenham.

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Limericks

#13 Post by Dave B » August 19th, 2011, 1:19 pm

[I used to live in Sydenham! :D ]
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Limericks

#14 Post by Nick » August 19th, 2011, 1:42 pm

So it was you! Did you find your trousers? :D


The director of the co.,
Warned he was going to tho.
Man that he saw,
Dumping trash on the floor.
So the workers, therefore, didn't do.

:D

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Dave B
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Limericks

#15 Post by Dave B » August 19th, 2011, 2:00 pm

[I launderetted a £20 note in the pocket of a pair once - stayed in pocket and survived!]
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Limericks

#16 Post by Nick » August 19th, 2011, 2:05 pm

Must have been a very large pair of trousers.......


...or have I got that wrong? :wink:

stevenw888
Posts: 694
Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm

Re: Limericks

#17 Post by stevenw888 » August 19th, 2011, 2:51 pm

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl,
"You're a tight one."
She replied, " Upon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."


There once was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said,"It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"


Said an innocent girlie named Shelley
As a man rolled her onto her belly
"This is not the position for human coition,
And why the petroleum jelly?"
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"

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animist
Posts: 6522
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: Limericks

#18 Post by animist » August 19th, 2011, 4:29 pm

I wish I had the trick
Of writing a Limerick.
It just goes to show
What I already know:
I'm a boring and humourless prick

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Griblet
Posts: 174
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 1:45 pm

Re: Limericks

#19 Post by Griblet » August 19th, 2011, 4:45 pm

There was an old Bishop of Birmingham
Who raped little girls while confirming 'em;
To thundrous applause,
He pulled down their drawers
And pumped the episcopal sperm in 'em.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Limericks

#20 Post by Tetenterre » August 19th, 2011, 6:03 pm

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3(sqrt(4))) / 7 + 5 x 11 = 9^2 + 0
Spoiler:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.

I can't do this one in ASCII:

The integral from naught to pi
Of sine-squared of 2 phi d-phi,
When doubled and then
Not altered again,
Is log (minus 1) over i.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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