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Just a Joke

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#741 Postby Dave B » November 2nd, 2013, 9:43 am

Latest post of the previous page:

I heard it before as, "All they need is the trash bin."
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#742 Postby Dave B » December 14th, 2013, 12:51 pm

It's Christmas cracker joke time folks!

How did King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Spoiler:
Deep pan, crisp and even
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#743 Postby Nick » December 16th, 2013, 4:15 pm

As a kid, it puzzled me what Stephen's feast was doing outside the King's window....

Especially as it was obviously too cold for picnics....

Maria Mac
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Re: Just a Joke

#744 Postby Maria Mac » December 16th, 2013, 7:06 pm

Nick wrote:As a kid, it puzzled me what Stephen's feast was doing outside the King's window....

Especially as it was obviously too cold for picnics....

So what's the answer?

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Tetenterre
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#745 Postby Tetenterre » December 17th, 2013, 9:39 am

Nick wrote:As a kid, it puzzled me what Stephen's feast was doing outside the King's window....
Never concerned me. I do remember being in kindergarten when my friend Stephen Thomas and I thought it was hilarious to point at each other then at ourselves as we sung, "...on the feast of you-me..."

Many years later, when I was at Kings College, London, our-raising-money-for-homeless-charities carolling patch included some strip-clubs -- with similar maturity to that which we demonstrated in kindergarten, we found it just as hilarious to stand outside them singing "Oh come all ye faithful..." -- when we also discovered that, if we loudly sung, "Oh come let us ignore him," everybody forgot the correct words for a short while! :D
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#746 Postby Dave B » January 14th, 2014, 5:07 pm

Listening to "Great Lives" on R4 and the life was Dave Allen. Final clip from the man in the prog was (roughly) as follows.:

"A nun gets up and goes out into the corridor. A passing fellow nun says, 'You got out of the bed the wrong side this morning! She shrugs it off and carries on, only for the next sister she meets to greet her with, 'You got out of the bed on the wrong side this morning, didn't you?'

By now she is feeling a bit narked about this and the Mother Superior is the next person she meets. 'Don't tell me I got out of the bed the wrong side this morning!' she says in an angry tone.

'I wasn't, ' said the MS,
Spoiler:
'I was going to ask you why you were wearing the bishop's shoes.'


Have to look for any Dave Allen DVDs now!
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Nick
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Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#747 Postby Nick » January 14th, 2014, 7:45 pm

Tetenterre wrote:
Nick wrote:As a kid, it puzzled me what Stephen's feast was doing outside the King's window....
Never concerned me. I do remember being in kindergarten when my friend Stephen Thomas and I thought it was hilarious to point at each other then at ourselves as we sung, "...on the feast of you-me..."

Many years later, when I was at Kings College, London, our-raising-money-for-homeless-charities carolling patch included some strip-clubs -- with similar maturity to that which we demonstrated in kindergarten, we found it just as hilarious to stand outside them singing "Oh come all ye faithful..." -- when we also discovered that, if we loudly sung, "Oh come let us ignore him," everybody forgot the correct words for a short while! :D


Not a carol, I know, but there is also that old hymn, about the bear with a visual problem, called Gladly,
Spoiler:
"Gladly the Crossed-Eyed Bear" :D

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Nick
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Re: Just a Joke

#748 Postby Nick » January 14th, 2014, 7:47 pm

I wouldn't say the bride was fat, but the vicar said "Do you take this woman, or would you like her delivered...?"

Who else but Les Dawson. :laughter:

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#749 Postby Dave B » January 21st, 2014, 6:21 pm

Descartes had perfected his ideas on existence to his own satisfaction and decided to got to his favourite tavern for a drink to celebrate, maybe a good cognac . . .

On entering the tavern the patron called to him, "M'sieur, your usual wine?"

"I think not," said Descartes

Spoiler:
and promptly disappeared.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Altfish
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Joined: March 26th, 2012, 8:46 am

Re: Just a Joke

#750 Postby Altfish » March 23rd, 2014, 1:17 pm

Two female survivors have been found from flight MH370.
Flo Ting and So King Wet are said to be doing fine

:wink:

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#751 Postby Dave B » March 25th, 2014, 10:11 am

SYRACUSE SENTINEL: date-line 300BCE

BREAKING NEWS!

The King's crown mystery - solution found in bath.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan C.
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Re: Just a Joke

#752 Postby Alan C. » March 25th, 2014, 9:01 pm

Altfish wrote:Two female survivors have been found from flight MH370.
Flo Ting and So King Wet are said to be doing fine

:wink:

Sick! Juvenile "humour".
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.

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Altfish
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Re: Just a Joke

#753 Postby Altfish » March 28th, 2014, 10:49 am

Alan C. wrote:
Altfish wrote:Two female survivors have been found from flight MH370.
Flo Ting and So King Wet are said to be doing fine

:wink:

Sick! Juvenile "humour".


Glad you liked it

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Alan H
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Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#754 Postby Alan H » March 30th, 2014, 9:55 pm

I say: 'Knock knock!'

You say: 'Who's there?'

I say: 'Control freak. Now you say "Control freak who?"'
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#755 Postby Dave B » March 30th, 2014, 9:57 pm

:laughter:
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Dave B
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#756 Postby Dave B » September 14th, 2014, 11:22 am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet ...
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she
cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Tetenterre
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#757 Postby Tetenterre » September 15th, 2014, 8:31 am

:pointlaugh:
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Altfish
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Joined: March 26th, 2012, 8:46 am

Re: Just a Joke

#758 Postby Altfish » December 6th, 2014, 1:42 pm

WARNING, RELIGION BASED ANTI-SOUTHERNER'S JOKE


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There, there will be beautiful people, seven Premier League football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it will be the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South."

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#759 Postby Dave B » December 6th, 2014, 1:56 pm

Oh, ho, ho.


:D
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3243
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#760 Postby Tetenterre » December 8th, 2014, 9:23 am

Bagpiper at a funeral

I found this anonymous article deeply moving
-- I hope you do, too.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Altfish
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Joined: March 26th, 2012, 8:46 am

Re: Just a Joke

#761 Postby Altfish » December 8th, 2014, 10:05 am

:laughter:


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