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Just a Joke

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#781 Post by Dave B » December 8th, 2015, 5:16 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

The wisdom of Alfred E. Neuman...
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#782 Post by Alan H » December 28th, 2015, 12:06 am

This joke stops working in four day's time:

I wish people would stop asking me where I think I’m going to be in 5 years.
Spoiler:
I don’t have 2020 vision.
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#783 Post by Alan H » January 8th, 2016, 7:09 pm

Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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John G
Posts: 74
Joined: February 3rd, 2016, 2:44 am

Re: Just a Joke

#784 Post by John G » February 7th, 2016, 9:06 pm

Alan H wrote:
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Spoiler:
Humm. Just one but, he probably(uncertainty principle) has to want to change the light bulb. If you want to be certain use an infinite number.
How did I do?
A good learner is forever walking the narrow path between blindness and hallucination. ― Pedro Domingos, The Master Algorithm

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#785 Post by Dave B » July 7th, 2016, 8:01 pm

A man barges in through the pharmacy door, coughing constantly, slaps a fiver on tbe counter and says, "Give, cough, me, cough, a, cough, bottle, cough, of, cough, cough, cough mixture."

The pharmacist replies, "Mr Smith, this is the third week, we have tried every remedy, it is past time for you to see the doctor,"

"Bugger, cough, that, just give me the, coughing, bottle!"

"OK," says the pharmacist, shrugging andreaching behind him for a bottle off the shelf. Mr Smith does not even look at the lable, opens it and drinks half as he walks out of the shop.

The assistant looks at his boss in horror, "That wasn't a cough remedy, that was Superprune, our strongest laxative!"

"Yup," says the pharmacist,
Spoiler:
"give it 20 minutes and he won't dare cough!"
............

Along with this goes the sage advice:
"If you are over 60 never trust a fart . . . and cough gently."
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#786 Post by Alan H » July 7th, 2016, 8:24 pm

:laughter:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#787 Post by Tetenterre » July 8th, 2016, 1:00 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

Then they all had to leave...
Spoiler:
...because the Englishman wanted to.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#788 Post by Tetenterre » July 26th, 2016, 3:36 pm

Barack Obama, David Cameron, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Obama calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that cost is 6 million dollars, so Obama writes him a cheque.

Finally Cameron gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the UK anytime.

When Putin & Obama hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Cameron got to call the UK free. The devil replied, "With the combination of the Brexit vote and Labour reneging on its constitutional duty to be a viable opposition, the country has gone to hell in a handcart, so it's a local call."
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#789 Post by Dave B » July 29th, 2016, 12:24 pm

Just a, sort of, fact!
13873240_962579303854678_1976794497575404493_n.jpg
13873240_962579303854678_1976794497575404493_n.jpg (21.43 KiB) Viewed 13200 times
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#790 Post by Nick » July 29th, 2016, 12:46 pm

Tee hee!

And 668, of course, is the Neighbour of the Beast... :twisted:

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#791 Post by Tetenterre » July 29th, 2016, 12:52 pm

Old ones, but:

599.4<Beast<732.6 - Number of the Beast plus or minus 10% confidence
1332/2 - Number of the Vulgar Beast
P(x=666) - Probability of the Beast
F(x)=666 - Function of the Beast
666 Jr. - Son of a Beast
666 Plus - Vitamin of the Beast
666kb - Base Memory of the Beast
WD666 - All Purpose Lubricant of the Beast
666K - Jewellery of the Beast
+666 - The Optimistic Beast
-666 - The Pessimistic Beast
666 BEA - Dewey Decimal Call Number of the Beast
666 DDD - Bra Size of the Beast
666 Long - Suit Size of the Beast
6.66V - Battery of the Beast
666-in-one - The Multi-Purpose Beast
666FM - The Radio Station of the Beast
6-0, 6-0, 6-0 - Tennis Match of the Beast
666W - Power Consumption of the Beast
666W/RMS - Average Music Output of the Beast
Line 6, Ext 66 - Where the Beast can be reached during Office Hours
Run-666 - Rap Group of the Beast
SPF666 - Suntan Lotion of the Beast
666999 - Siamese Beast
666/4 - Time Signature of the Beast
666/3 - Waltz of the Beast
666 BPM - The tempo of Techno Beast
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#792 Post by Dave B » July 29th, 2016, 1:25 pm

Would have thought 666999 was Mr & Mrs Beast having a good time!

:exit:
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#793 Post by Tetenterre » July 29th, 2016, 2:47 pm

:pointlaugh:
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#794 Post by Alan H » August 17th, 2016, 9:42 am

Screenshot from 2016-08-17.png
Screenshot from 2016-08-17.png (651.45 KiB) Viewed 13038 times
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#795 Post by Tetenterre » September 7th, 2016, 6:56 pm

Bloke goes into a bar where there’s a robot barman.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The bloke says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The bloke says,” 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about astrophysics, evolutionary biology and quantum chromodynamics.

The bloke leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar the next evening.
The robot barman says, "What will you have?"
The bloke says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes another great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The bloke says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about soccer, beer and women.
The bloke leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

Next evening, he goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The bloke says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another superb martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The bloke says, "Uh, about 40."
The bloke leans in really close and says,
Spoiler:
"So, you people still happy you voted for Brexit?"
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

User avatar
Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#796 Post by Alan H » September 7th, 2016, 8:54 pm

:hilarity:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#797 Post by Tetenterre » September 8th, 2016, 7:33 am

Damn! Last line should be: "The robot leans in..."
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

User avatar
animist
Posts: 6522
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#798 Post by animist » September 8th, 2016, 10:17 am

Tetenterre wrote:Damn! Last line should be: "The robot leans in..."
well I must admit I was scratching my head over the original last line! Alan, do you still think it's funny?
:wink:

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animist
Posts: 6522
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#799 Post by animist » September 8th, 2016, 9:47 pm

dreadful to see that the Chinese boil dogs alive for meat. I would like to bomb China, blow up the world, or commit suicide - but I cannot do either of the first two, and the third won't achieve much. So here is a sick joke instead.

Ahem (clears throat) - no, I can't do it, the joke is bad and disgusting. Coward! - millions on the Net must have made the joke already! OK - ahem again, and here it is.

FIrst person: it is disgusting what they do to dogs in China, but as my favourite breed is a Chow, I am glad that there did not seem to be any Chows involved. Second person: well, they are all chow now, ain't they?

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#800 Post by Alan H » September 8th, 2016, 9:52 pm

animist wrote:
Tetenterre wrote:Damn! Last line should be: "The robot leans in..."
well I must admit I was scratching my head over the original last line! Alan, do you still think it's funny?
:wink:
I missed that and read it as what the robot had said!
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#801 Post by Nick » September 16th, 2016, 12:50 pm

A man walks in to a bookshop:

"Do you have a copy of "Pavlov's Dog and Shrodinger's Cat"?

The assistant replied:
Spoiler:
"It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not..."

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