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Just a Joke

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#281 Post by Nick » October 1st, 2009, 10:04 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

:D


In deepest southern Ireland, a golfer drives off at the fifth, only to see his ball veer off to the left and land deep in the rough.

After a few minutes he finds his ball, but amazingly, there is a little leprechaun, with a huge bump on his head, lying beside it! Overcome, the golfer picks up the little feller, and bathes his bump, and is relieved that after a few minutes the leprechaun comes round, albeit somewhat groggy. And somewhat cross.

Says the leprechaun "I suppose that now you've found me, you'll be wanting your three wishes?"

"Oh, no", says the golfer, "I'm so pleased you came round, that is reward enough! I couldn't want for anything more!" And having ascertained that the little feller was just about OK, the golfer played out of the rough, and continued with his round.

The leprechaun was so amazed that he had not been asked to grant 3 wishes, that he decided to grant the golfer the three he, the leprechaun, would have wished for, had the circumstances been reversed. First, that all his drives would be straight down the fairway, secondly, that he would not want for money, and thirdly that he would have all the sex he could handle.


A few weeks later, the same golfer was playing at the same course. At the fifth, his drive was over 300 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway. But he was surprised to find that when he reached his ball, there was the leprechaun, waiting for him, beaming from ear to ear!

"How's your golf?" he said.

"Well, it's marvelous! I seem to hit every drive straight down the middle of the fairway!" said the golfer.

"And how's the finances?"

"Well, I can't account for it, but every time I put my hand in my pocket, I seem to find another roll of Euro notes!"

"Sex life?"

The golfer is overcome with embarrassment, goes bright red, and stammers... "w-well, I manage it maybe 3 or 4 times a week"

"Only 3 or 4 times a week!" cries the leprechaun, "I wished for you all the sex you could manage! What's going wrong?"

"Well," said the golfer
Spoiler:
"It's not bad for an old catholic priest in a very small parish"

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#282 Post by Alan H » October 1st, 2009, 11:33 pm

:hilarity: :hilarity:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#283 Post by Alan H » October 7th, 2009, 10:34 am

86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!! )

And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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Ken H
Posts: 4256
Joined: February 22nd, 2009, 12:09 am

Re: Just a Joke

#284 Post by Ken H » October 8th, 2009, 12:47 am

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!” “'Dead?” Says his friend, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch ??” “Why the hell would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!”
This is one of the great social functions of science - to free people of superstition. - Steven Weinberg

jacob2287
Posts: 3
Joined: October 10th, 2009, 10:20 am

Stupid and beutiful

#285 Post by jacob2287 » October 15th, 2009, 12:37 pm

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


:laughter:

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#286 Post by Nick » October 27th, 2009, 12:02 am

A man walks in to the bar ansd says to the barman

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

Replied the barman...
Spoiler:
"I don't know and I don't care"

philbo
Posts: 591
Joined: December 18th, 2009, 3:09 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#287 Post by philbo » December 18th, 2009, 3:49 pm

tubataxidriver wrote:
Alan H wrote:Explosion in Huddersfield Pie Factory. 3.141592654 people dead.
My mathematically inclined daughter (really) takes "pi" sugars in her tea. However, I'm not sure if I should to tell her to cut down and encourage her take "e" instead.
Be a real bastard, and say she can only have i ;)

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#288 Post by Alan H » December 18th, 2009, 4:10 pm

:pointlaugh:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Alan C.
Posts: 10356
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 3:35 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#289 Post by Alan C. » December 24th, 2009, 6:05 pm

Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father, working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon, my father will die and I will inherit £200 million."
Spoiler:
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.




Women are so much better at financial planning than men. :smile:
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.

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Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#290 Post by Alan H » December 24th, 2009, 6:24 pm

:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#291 Post by Alan H » December 26th, 2009, 1:18 pm

It's a cracker!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
Spoiler:
The turkey - it is always stuffed!
What do you call a snowman in summer?
Spoiler:
A puddle.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer?
Spoiler:
A UF ho, ho, ho!
How can you get you name in lights all over the world?
Spoiler:
Change your name to 'Emergency Exit'!
What do you get if a vampire crosses the road with Jack Frost?
Spoiler:
Frost bite!
What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Spoiler:
Pull their Christmas quackers!
Why does Santa use anti-dandruff shampoo?
Spoiler:
So there are snow flakes!
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#292 Post by Nick » January 31st, 2010, 12:36 pm

Breaking news.....


Because of the recession, there has been some necessary corporate restructuring. The (somewhat unlikely) mega-merger has been announced between Zippo Lighters, Audi Cars, Du Pont and Dairy Crest.

The new company will be called
Spoiler:
ZipAudiDuDa plc :D

jamesjones950
Posts: 1832
Joined: January 6th, 2010, 9:59 am

Re: Just a Joke

#293 Post by jamesjones950 » January 31st, 2010, 1:43 pm

a Scottish couple decided to go to Spain during an icy winter, and to stay at the same hotel at which they'd honeymooned 20 years earlier. Commitments found them travelling on separate days. Hubbie flew on a Thursday, with wife to follow the next day.He checked in and was pleased to find a computer in the room. He set about emailing his wife, but accidentally missed out one letter, and sent the email without realising his mistake.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool a widow had just returned home from her Minister husband's funeral, who had died from a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails, expecting to find messages of sympathy. Instead, she read the first message, screamed, and fainted. Her son rushed in, found his mother on the floor and the following on the screen:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: Thursday 20th October 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and we are allowed to send emails to our loved ones. I've just arrived and been checked in, and am pleased to say that everything has been prepared ready for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you and hoping your journey is as smooth as mine was.
ps: It's ******* hot down here!
a "New Atheist" for the last 55 years

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#294 Post by Nick » February 1st, 2010, 12:23 pm

FedEx and UPS are to merge, and will be know as
Spoiler:
FedUP :D

jamesjones950
Posts: 1832
Joined: January 6th, 2010, 9:59 am

Re: Just a Joke

#295 Post by jamesjones950 » February 7th, 2010, 8:49 pm

Two Irishmen stand at the foot of a flagpole scratching their chins. A passing blonde says, "What's up, guys?"
They tell her that their boss has told them to measure the height of the flagpole, but they don't have a ladder.
The blonde rummages in her copious handbag and produces a spanner, then procedes to unfasten the bolt at the flagpole's base and lowers it to the ground.
She then brings forth from her bag a tape measure, a pad and a pencil, does the business, hands them the result, reassembles the flagpole, and walks away with a smile and a wave.
"Typical f****** blonde!" says one. "We want the height and she gives us the f****** length!"
a "New Atheist" for the last 55 years

Hundovir
Posts: 806
Joined: June 21st, 2009, 3:23 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#296 Post by Hundovir » February 7th, 2010, 10:23 pm

Dire Straits and Chris Rea are joining forces to form a new group.

They'll be known as...
Spoiler:
Chris Straits

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#297 Post by Nick » February 9th, 2010, 1:27 pm

I went to a wedding last weekend. The most extraordinary thing was that both the bride and groom were TV aerial installers.

The ceremony itself wasn't up to much, but the reception was fantastic. B'boom! :D

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Alan C.
Posts: 10356
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 3:35 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#298 Post by Alan C. » February 23rd, 2010, 5:39 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.

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Alan C.
Posts: 10356
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 3:35 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#299 Post by Alan C. » March 23rd, 2010, 9:08 pm

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America .."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqies, Afgans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
Spoiler:
"That's because it takes place in the future".
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.

User avatar
Alan H
Posts: 24067
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#300 Post by Alan H » March 24th, 2010, 12:27 am

:hilarity: :hilarity:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

philbo
Posts: 591
Joined: December 18th, 2009, 3:09 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#301 Post by philbo » March 24th, 2010, 11:33 am

Alan (C)... is that a joke?




...or a true story?

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