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Just a Joke

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#581 Post by Tetenterre » February 13th, 2012, 11:36 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

Oops! dupe
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Alan H
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Re: Just a Joke

#582 Post by Alan H » February 13th, 2012, 11:48 pm

:hilarity: :pointlaugh:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#583 Post by Nick » February 14th, 2012, 11:40 am

:hilarity:

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Tetenterre
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Re: Just a Joke

#584 Post by Tetenterre » February 18th, 2012, 3:19 pm

The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the chain. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pisses into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?' 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
Spoiler:
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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getreal
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Re: Just a Joke

#585 Post by getreal » February 18th, 2012, 11:04 pm

I don't know where to put this, but I thought it was worthy of sharing, since I can't stand the smug witch

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/soci ... 202144894/
"It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on his head"-Tyrion Lannister.

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#586 Post by Dave B » February 18th, 2012, 11:12 pm

Ooer! Not sure why but that Warsi link seemed to do strange things to my computer.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#587 Post by Dave B » February 19th, 2012, 5:32 pm

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

Fia
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Re: Just a Joke

#588 Post by Fia » February 19th, 2012, 10:03 pm

:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

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Tetenterre
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Re: Just a Joke

#589 Post by Tetenterre » February 20th, 2012, 8:47 am

What goes around....

From 2001: http://bl.net/forwards/cpugender.html
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#590 Post by Tetenterre » February 24th, 2012, 12:10 pm

Neither new nor original, but....

How to Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away:
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).

9. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it’s an old black suit.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer “Yes” if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt
Answer “No” if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you’re deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see

13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brule.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay, maybe not "Kiwi"…)

18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun.
Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care

19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the
Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues… the three R's stand
for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.

20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight. Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.

22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#591 Post by Nick » February 24th, 2012, 4:36 pm

:pointlaugh:

An inability to pronounce any word in anything like an understandable way is also a distinct advantage.


And musical ability isn't. :D

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#592 Post by Dave B » March 5th, 2012, 5:33 pm

A chap is sitting in a restaurant wishing that he could kind an opening to start chatting to the beautiful woman, who has just come in, when she gives a huge sneeze and what is obviously her glass eye pops out. He plucks it out of the air and hands it back to her.

"Thank you," she says, "let me reward your fielding skills by paying for your dinner." So they get to chatting and she then suggests that they see if they can get tickets for a show, "My treat as well," which they are lucky enough to do.

After the show she says, "Why not come back to my place for coffee and, if you fancy it, breakfast . . ."

Over breakfast the following day the chap asks, "Are you in the habit of treating all men like this on a first date?"

"Oh, no," she replies,
Spoiler:
"it's just that you caught my eye at the very beginning."
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan H
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Re: Just a Joke

#593 Post by Alan H » March 5th, 2012, 6:35 pm

<groan>
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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Dave B
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#594 Post by Dave B » March 5th, 2012, 6:51 pm

Alan H wrote:<groan>
Heh, heh! :D
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan H
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Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#595 Post by Alan H » April 8th, 2012, 4:55 pm

From Lorikeet on Twitter:

A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette; the egg is annoyed. "Well," says the egg, "that answers THAT question!"
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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getreal
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Re: Just a Joke

#596 Post by getreal » April 8th, 2012, 9:59 pm

I don't get that, Alan.


An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty - through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
"It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on his head"-Tyrion Lannister.

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#597 Post by Dave B » April 8th, 2012, 10:01 pm

I don't get that, Alan.
Which came first, getreal?
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan H
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Re: Just a Joke

#598 Post by Alan H » April 8th, 2012, 10:02 pm

getreal wrote:I don't get that, Alan.
:laughter: I hope you get it after Dave B's clue...
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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getreal
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Joined: November 20th, 2008, 5:40 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#599 Post by getreal » April 8th, 2012, 10:04 pm

Oooops!

*red face*
"It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on his head"-Tyrion Lannister.

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Alan C.
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Re: Just a Joke

#600 Post by Alan C. » April 8th, 2012, 10:27 pm

Alan H quoting Lorikeet
A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette; the egg is annoyed. "Well," says the egg, "that answers THAT question!"
To be pedantic, actually the egg came first. :wink:
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.

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Val
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Joined: October 6th, 2007, 10:56 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#601 Post by Val » April 8th, 2012, 10:48 pm

Alan C if the egg came first why is the chicken the one enjoying the cig?

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