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Just a Joke

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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animist
Posts: 6522
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#541 Post by animist » October 31st, 2011, 1:35 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

I hope this one is not offensive:

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi and asks how much he charges for circumcision. The rabbi replies "Nothing, I just keep the tips"

stevenw888
Posts: 694
Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#542 Post by stevenw888 » October 31st, 2011, 2:31 pm

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
”Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
She says “No, I’m really a blonde”.
”I thought so,” he says.
Spoiler:
“You have a broken finger.”
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"

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Alan H
Posts: 24065
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#543 Post by Alan H » November 11th, 2011, 5:40 pm

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female....
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

Fia
Posts: 5480
Joined: July 6th, 2007, 8:29 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#544 Post by Fia » November 11th, 2011, 7:49 pm

:pointlaugh: :hilarity:

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#545 Post by Dave B » November 11th, 2011, 11:07 pm

:laughter:
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Val
Posts: 749
Joined: October 6th, 2007, 10:56 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#546 Post by Val » November 14th, 2011, 11:29 am

I was given this at the Highland Humanist meeting yesterday.

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.

In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.

In the U.K. they just hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#547 Post by Tetenterre » November 14th, 2011, 3:10 pm

What's big, round and hates bankers?
Spoiler:
The World
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#548 Post by Tetenterre » November 25th, 2011, 10:23 am

The Barman says, " I'm sorry we don't serve Neutrinos."

A Neutrino goes into a bar.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#549 Post by Dave B » November 25th, 2011, 10:36 am

:rolleyes:

:D
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Lorikeet
Posts: 257
Joined: August 29th, 2009, 11:22 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#550 Post by Lorikeet » December 1st, 2011, 2:08 am

I was horrified to find that all my doors and windows were left open and there was nothing left inside them. I'm never leaving my Advent calendar lying around again.

Did you hear about the Jehovah's Witness Advent calendar? Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off!
All humans are brothers. We came from the same supernova.

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Alan H
Posts: 24065
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#551 Post by Alan H » December 1st, 2011, 9:59 am

:hilarity:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

stevenw888
Posts: 694
Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#552 Post by stevenw888 » December 2nd, 2011, 3:25 pm

A hippie spies a pretty young nun on the bus. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries.

"I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"

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Lorikeet
Posts: 257
Joined: August 29th, 2009, 11:22 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#553 Post by Lorikeet » December 3rd, 2011, 7:44 am

A woman goes to confession. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," she says. "Last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times."

"My child," says the priest, "you must go home and suck the juice from seven lemons."

"And will that absolve me?" she asks.

"No," he replies . . .
Spoiler:
"But it might take that smug look off your face."
All humans are brothers. We came from the same supernova.

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#554 Post by Dave B » December 13th, 2011, 7:31 pm

WARNING! This joke is only suitable for those who enjoy a good groan.
Spoiler:
It's Christmas eve and three blokes are driving home after drinking in the pub - they crash and are killed.

The arrive at The Pearly Gates and St Pete stops them, "You three got drunk, put others in danger and then killed yourselves. That's close to suicide, not sure that you should be allowed in here. Tell you what though, since its Christmas I'll give you a chance - if you can each produce some sort of symbol for the season you're in. OK?"

The three nod and start looking through their pockets. One produces a lighter and strikes it. "What's that supposed to represent then?" Asks St Pete.

"It's a Christmas candle to give light to the world."

"OK, who's next?"

The second bloke pulls out his car keys and jangles them. "They're sleigh bells."

St Pete rolls his eyes but gives the OK.

The last bloke can't find anything different in his trouser or jacket pockets and looks a bit worried. Then he brightens up and reaches into his shirt pocket to bring out - a pairs of women's spectacles.

"Ha," exclaims St P, "the reason behind this I really do want to hear!"

"They're Carol's," says the bloke, "She left them at my place last night."
I warned you!
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan H
Posts: 24065
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#555 Post by Alan H » December 13th, 2011, 8:39 pm

:pointlaugh:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3244
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#556 Post by Tetenterre » December 14th, 2011, 12:52 am

Santa was preparing for Xmas. He sent out the fairies in pairs, and instructed each pair of fairies to return with a Xmas tree. The fairies, being creatures of small brain, made a complete horlicks of it and, instead of each pair of fairies returning with a Xmas tree, each fairy returned with a pair of Xmas trees.

"That's four times as many as we need,", said Santa. "Sort it!"

"What should we do?" chorused the fairies.

"Get rid of the excess!", instructed Santa.

"Where should we put them?" asked the fairies.

Santa told them.

And that is why there is a fairy on top of every Xmas tree.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

stevenw888
Posts: 694
Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#557 Post by stevenw888 » December 14th, 2011, 12:46 pm

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with A piece of tinsel....

They say it's only for the Christmas period.
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"

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Alan H
Posts: 24065
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#558 Post by Alan H » December 14th, 2011, 5:12 pm

:hilarity:
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

User avatar
Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#559 Post by Dave B » December 19th, 2011, 12:33 pm

Last year I put big coloured letters in my windows saying:

BAH (on one side)

HUM}
BUG} (0n the other)

Very tempted, this year, to make it:

BAH

BUM
HUG

and see if anyone notices.

(A friend found me a beanie with the first version on it - now my required wearing when outdoors.)
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

User avatar
Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#560 Post by Dave B » December 22nd, 2011, 10:43 am

This is more - "Bit of a joke!"

Image

Virgin are having problems (fair enough, this happens to all ISPs) yet seem to think this is the time to offer their (currently unavailable) services!
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

User avatar
Alan H
Posts: 24065
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#561 Post by Alan H » December 22nd, 2011, 10:20 pm

Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....
Spoiler:
Naked.
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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