the getaway car, went shooting off down the road, skidded at the first
bend, crashed into a big tree, and all got killed.
All dead. Big tree.
The UDA issued a statement and said, "WE planted it."
(adapted from) Divorcing Jack - Colin Bateman.
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
>>Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."<<
You are stuck in a small locked room. Your only weapon is a revolver, loaded with only two bullets. In the room with you there is a large hungry tiger, an extremely venomous snake, and a lawyer. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice
If it was a talking snake, you could ask it to bite the Tiger, thus using up it's venom (temporarily)Lifelinking
there is a large hungry tiger, an extremely venomous snake, and a lawyer. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer with one bullet, shoot the lock off with the second bullet, and make your escape.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."
If you're in a long-term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and have sex with someone else.
OK, I won't give up my day job.
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognise you."
It would be more accurate to describe -ise as a "Britishism" than -ize as an "Americanism"
Someone in the audience shouted 'why a dentist?'. Bush turned to Blair and whispered 'see? I told you nobody would ask about the Muslims...'
Time to die
1. A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
2. A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
And this one's an oldie but goodie:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/pickover ... lained.jpgGets out of the way of the flying crockery
Here's one of my self-deprecating blonde jokes.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies£20 for the bronze
rat, and £1000 for the story behind it".
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.
As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.
As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the Thames. By
the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
He walks on to a bridge and throws the bronze rat into the
river, and the rats all follow and leap off of the bridge and drown.
The guy rushes back to the shop and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so
your back for the story".
The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze Bishops!
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."