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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#81 Postby VINDICATOR » June 14th, 2017, 12:10 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

An English joke!
A French policeman stops an Englisman's car and asks him if he had been drinking.
The gentleman, with some difficulty, says, "I've just come from my son's wedding. I've been drinking all afternoon and I can hardly keep my eyes open!
The Gendarme takes an alcotest and says, "Do you know why you're under arrest?"
Gentleman answers, "No. Did you know that this is a British car, and my wife is in the driver's seat on the other side?!"

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Tetenterre
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#82 Postby Tetenterre » June 15th, 2017, 11:23 am

VINDICATOR wrote:joke 55: Bruno vindicated at last! But where is the Church's apology?
I'm no fan of the Church, but the Giordano Bruno torture and killing, shameful as it was, is too often misportrayed as related to his heliocentric teachings. He was killed in 1600; teaching heliocentricity was not declared a heresy until 1608. Whilst it is true that he did teach heliocentricity, the heresy for which he was tortured and burned alive was pantheism. I do wish people wouldn't conflate these things - even AC Grayling got this wrong at a recent talk of his that I attended!
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#83 Postby VINDICATOR » June 15th, 2017, 12:43 pm

Dear Tetenterre,
The Church of the Inquisition murdered millions of heretics of all "sects" by burning at the stake. At that time, heliocentricity was a newfangled revolutionary theory just starting to be recognized by the scientists of the time. Whereas the Church canon said that the Earth was the center of the universe, the heliocentric sect says that the sun is the center of the universe. However, Bruno said that heliocentricity was also wrong. He said that there was no center of the universe, every star is a sun with planets revolving around them! That means that Bruno's model of the universe was the only correct one. It is only in recent years that Bruno has been vindicated by astronomers by discovering exoplanets! Bruno was a genius. Four Centuries ago he defined the universe that we recognize today! Like Thomas Jefferson, he was a "sect of one"!
Yes, the Church hated this heretic for many reasons, and burned him at the stake like millions of others. The Church should apologize for all of them and not only Galileo! They should erect a huge monument at least 100 feet high on St. Peter's Square to honor them.

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Tetenterre
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#84 Postby Tetenterre » June 16th, 2017, 5:04 am

Yet it is still the case that the reason he was "executed" was pantheism.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#85 Postby VINDICATOR » June 16th, 2017, 1:35 pm

Dear Tetenterre,
I think that the Church murdered Bruno for several charges. The number of "heretics" burned at the stake just in the Inquisition, (not including witch-hunts etc.) some estimates top 10 million, Victor Hugo estimated over 5 million, The figures given in Wikipedia are declining year by year. (That is what the gold bars in the Vatican cellar vaults are used for.) If you took a bath on Saturday you would be burned for practicing Jewery, if you had some real-estate they wanted, they would burn you and confiscate it! If you were pretty, they would just torture you for the fun of it! That is what happens if the Church has too much power! See what Islam is doing today where they have established a Kaliphate! Kidnapping girls for sex-slaves, beheadings, mass murders, etc.
Of all these murder victims why did the Church only "pardon" Galileo? To save face of course, everyone knows who Galileo was. If everyone knew that Bruno was the father of the exoplanets, maybe they would "pardon" him too!
The "pardonning" of the victims does not vindicate the Church. The Church should admit their crimes, kneel down and BEG FORGIVENESS. Then they should erect a huge monument to them on St. Peter's Square!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#86 Postby VINDICATOR » June 23rd, 2017, 2:43 pm

A joke for old people who think a lot on the hereafter:
These days the problems of hereafter are harassing me more and more. I'll go somewhere and stand there with my mouth open trying to remember what I'm here after.
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#87 Postby VINDICATOR » June 27th, 2017, 3:48 pm

The population explosion.
Recently I came across my gay friend again. Here is what he said:
Gay: "The last time we met I told you that we gays have 2 very important merits. One is that we never rape girls, that's all done by the straights! The other is that we don't contribute to the population explosion. This is more important than you realize. According to the UN, many African nations have a population growth rate of around 3%. That means that in one Century their population can increase eight-fold. Today we see millions of Africans that need our help just to eat. Try to imagine what it will be like a Century from now! Imagine the huge waves of refugees storming our shores then!
When our progeny exceeds 50 billion, the Earth cannot sustain them. When the polar ice-caps melt, the sea level will rise so much that all of the most populated land will be innundated. all the mines will be depleted, the sea will be one huge cess pool, all the land will be polluted, all vegetation will be polluted! If we are careless, the straights will make us all extinct!
The only solution is strict population control. Maybe scientists can invent a way to increase the percentage of LGBTQ in the population (which is naturally about 3%) which would ease the problem. If 80% of the population were gay I think that humanity could escape extinction!
The religions are making things worse by denying birth control. They consider their congregation as a breeding machine to produce more sheep for their fold!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#88 Postby VINDICATOR » June 29th, 2017, 10:04 pm

Mia Culpa,
No one caught the mistake in my last post. Those African nations with a population growth rate of 3% will increase their population by more than 19 times (not 8 times) within one Century. For instance, Nigeria with a population of 180 million today will have a population of 3.4 billion (American numbers) by the year 2117 which is almost half the population of the whole world today! Now do you understand why it is so urgent to do something drastic? Creating a population with at least 80% Gays, who don't contribute to the population explosion, is just one of the solutions possible. However, something must be done, and quickly, otherwise we will go the way of the dinosaurs!
1.03^100=19.22, very simple on a calculater.

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#89 Postby VINDICATOR » July 6th, 2017, 4:07 pm

Religion, a double edged sword.
My readers should know what my opinion on religion is. If not, then let me tell you. If I were God, I would prohibit anyone from worshipping me, because I am not a narcissist. However, since there is no personal God, almost all people worship a God. You can't blame religion on the Gods. People want/need to worship a God. (Voltaire said, "If there were no Gods we would have to invent one") At least 95% of the World population believes in one God or another. Wanting to worship a God is the Achilles Heel of humanity! Of course, the con men (priests, parsons, preachers, imams, mufties, etc.) are glad of this opportunity to get rich and eggs them along! Man does not live by bread alone, he needs religion to fill up his soul! I believe that some day religion will die off. But I'm afraid that humanity might become extinct before that day! Since religion will be around for a long time, we must cultivate those religions that are compatible with secular society, help them evolve, whereas those religions that can't be cultivated should be terminated.
Modern Christianity is a religion which is evolved from the evil religion of the Inquisition and Witch-hunts which murdered tens of millions of people Centuries ago. Since man needs a religion, then give him Christianity, otherwise Islam will get him. As I said in a former post, vaccinating with cow-pox germs can prevent small-pox! I consider Modern Christianity an ally!
It's Islam which worries me. Since it's creation 14 Centuries ago, Islam has murdered at least 170 million people. Islam gets the gold medal for murder! Islam is too big a subject for one post. Wait for my next installment.

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#90 Postby VINDICATOR » July 7th, 2017, 4:10 pm

Why religion?
Why crime? Why narcotics? Why alcohol? Why tobacco? Did you ever hear this poem accredited to Mark Twaine:"Tobacco is a filthy weed--I like it! It satisfies no human need--I like it! It makes you sick it makes you lean, it takes the hair right off your bean! It's the worst damn stuff I ever seen--I like it!" However, Mark Twaine said it was easy to stop smoking. He said, "I've done it at least a thousand times!"
Man is a symbiosis between saint and demon. That's why we have crime control, otherwise man would be free to be a demon. That's why we have to have religious control. When religion gets out of control, then you get the Inquisition or Witch hunt. Thomas Jefferson said, "The price of liberty is eternal vigilance." Recently like the Boko Haram kidnapping hundreds of school girls for sex slaves, or The ISIS also capturing big batches of sex slaves and killing off all the other useless people.
In the 21st Century, the greatest problem is to either reform Islam or terminate it!
Christianity was reformed from a man-eating tiger to a household pet in a mere 5 or 6 Centuries. Islam hasn't reformed one iota from it's creation 14 Centuries ago till today.
Today Islam has 2 strategies to conquor the world. The first way is by warfare like the ISIS is doing today. They have been doing this for Centuries, and it hasn't succeeded yet. The second way is their new strategy, that is to infiltrate a non-Muslim country, establish their fifth column and sleeper cells, and ultimately to out-breed the infidels/kaffirs! Muslims breed much faster than Christians, (Shariah Law permits girls to start breeding at 9 Which is the age Mohammed's wife started breeding!) and by the middle of the Century they will overtake Christianity to be the most populous religion! You can see it happening already in France, England, Belgium, etc. When they become the majority in these countries they will establish Shariah Law!
Why is Islam so monolithic? See my next post.

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#91 Postby VINDICATOR » July 8th, 2017, 3:30 pm

Islam is a super religion.
Here are some of the alarming characteristics of Islam:
1-Islam is very resistant to change. Christianity today is so different from that of the dark ages that it's almost unrecognizable. Islam, on the contrary, hasn't changed one iota! Why is this? One of the reasons is that Islam has a very thorough system of indoctrination, ie. brain washing!The indoctrination starts at birth. Children are indoctrinated all through their formative years, usually reciting the Koran by heart even before going to school. Even in school, very little time is wasted on subjects like mathematics and chemistry, every other class is on religion. Then there is the duty to prostrate yourself on the ground 5 times every day and swear allegance to Allah. There are very strict taboos on your activities. What you eat or wear, or do with your beard etc. is very strict. Anyone trying to leave Islam will be terminated. Islam does not permit you to be gay. Any Muslim claiming to be gay will be terminated! (All live Muslim gays are the closet variety)
2-The Islamic propaganda is very effective. The era of Christian martyrs was in the distant past. Today we see thousands of Muslims blowing themselves up yelling "Allah is Great!" Why? Because they believe in the Islamic propaganda that says they will be rewarded with 72 beautiful virgin sex slaves when they go to heaven! That is also why they can recruit so many youth from western nations to join the ISIS to help them establish their Islamic Caliphate!
Look out for my next post!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#92 Postby VINDICATOR » July 9th, 2017, 4:09 pm

What's wrong with Islam?
Anyone who has read the Holy Bible knows that it sanctions slavery from cover to cover. If you don't believe me then read this sentence from the New Testament: "Slaves, obey you earthly masters with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as you obey Christ!" I've asked many Christians where it is, but not one could answer me. Christians never read the Bible, only Atheists do! That's one of the main reasons that Christianity could evolve from a man-eating monster of the dark ages into the friendly religion we see today! The Koran also sanctions slavery, and every Muslim has read the Koran many times! During the American Civil War, the Confederacy (the South) said in it's "Constitution" that "God sanctions slavery". Their "President", Jefferson Davis said in a speech that they (the south) were fighting a "Holy War" to maintain slavery! As we all know, the south lost the war and Abraham Lincoln proclaimed freedom for the slaves. Islam used this as an excuse to urge Blacks to convert to Islam. For instance, the great boxer, Mohammed Ali. They were too gullible, because although the American slave traders were Christians, they did not capture the slaves themselves, they bought them from the Muslim slave-owners in Africa because they were very cheap! Ali didn't search his roots thoroughly, otherwise he would have converted to Atheism!
Today no Christian upholds slavery. However, although Muslim nations have outlawed slavery, many Muslim nations still have covert slavery, and their treatment of women is a form of slavery. See my next post for that.

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#93 Postby animist » July 9th, 2017, 11:00 pm

obviously I agree with all this, but a few points. I think Muhammad Ali and other African Americans became Muslim because, in its contemporary form, Islam appeared much less racist than the Xian US in which they lived. Also, I remember the maker of a film series on slavery in Africa pointing out that, while Arab Muslims did obtain slaves in Africa, the numbers were much less, and this seems to borne out by the absence of black people in Arabia

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#94 Postby VINDICATOR » July 10th, 2017, 1:50 pm

Dear animist,
Thanks for your interest. The Muslim slave owners in Africa didn't take their African slaves back to Arabia, they were doing the dirty business of coralling Black slaves in Africa and selling them directly to the American slave traders there. It was a division of labor. Look it up in historical literature. Muslims didn't need Black slaves, they had enough indigenous slaves. Even today you will find slave trade in Muslim countries.
Muslim women are a special case of slavery. This includes FGM, selling girls for wives, etc. We will look into these problems in detail.
1-FGM: A Muslim man doesn't want a wife, he wants a sex-slave, breeding machine, and household servant. In order to ensure her fidelity, she will be subjected to FGM, ie. Female Genital Mutilation. They take the young girls and cut out their clitoris and other erogenous zones leaving only scar tissue so that she has no pleasure in sex, only pain.Then the man is confident that she won't have any extramarital sex! She doesn't even want to have sex with her "husband" so he hangs a whip by the bed to let her know what will happen if she denies him!
2-Honor murder: Young girls are sold to old men, and are otherwise coerced into sex against their will. They are not allowed to marry the boy they want to. If she resists, she will be murdered by her family. This is called "honor killing"! Although this and FGM not mandated by the Koran, it is very rampant in Islamic countries. At least 9000 girls are honor murdered every year in Pakistan alone!
3-Shariah Law: According to Shariah Law, a woman has to have 4 male witnesses willing to testify to her innocence, otherwise she is guilty! That's why you never hear of rape in a Shariah country, it's never reported! In a Shariah country, a rape victim is guilty of fornication, and is liable to be stoned to death! In 2013 a norwegian girl Marte Debora Dalel was sentenced to 18 months in prison for being raped in Dubai. This is very lenient because she was an expat!
4-etc. There are plenty more examples, such as not allowing unaccompanied women outdoors, not letting women drive cars, forcing women to wear a tent, etc. etc. I don't think that the Black slaves in America were any more miserable than the Shariah women!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#95 Postby VINDICATOR » July 11th, 2017, 3:54 pm

Shariah is a joke, so is the Ten Commandments!
Shariah law requires 4 male witnesses to prove that a girl was raped, there would have to be at least 4 men watching her being raped! Isn't that hilarious? If there were 5 men there, it would surely have been a gang-rape and there would be no witnesses to prove that the girl was innocent!
Christians should not laugh, their laws are just as hilarious. For instance, the Ten Commandments says that if you don't worship God, then your descendents to the 4th generation all go to hell! Imagine, if your great grandparent didn't worship God, then you will go to hell no matter what you do! There is no escape! The American Taliban (Fundies) are trying to erect these monuments all over the place!
The Founding Father of Islam, Mohammed, was a sex maniac. He had 13 wives, the youngest, Aisha, was only 6 years old (he was 60 when he "married" her!). He murdered his friend to steal his wife. He also had dozens of slaves and was a slave dealer.
When Mohammed died, his followers split into two cults, the Sunnis and the Shiites fighting for leadership, and they have been murdering each other for 14 Centuries and are still doing so today. It is estimated that these two cults have killed each other to the tune of 100 million which is slightly less than the number of kaffirs/infidels they murdered which is estimated at 170 million, so the grand total is about 270 million today but is increasing on a daily basis. Obviously they get the gold medal for murder!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#96 Postby VINDICATOR » July 12th, 2017, 5:01 am

Who's souls are the missionaries saving?
According to the Ten Commandments, anyone whose great grandparents didn't worship God must go to hell! Therefore, the missionaries cannot save the souls of the people they convert. Missionaries can only save the souls of the great grand children of the persons that they convert to Christianity! On judgement day, everyone has to bring all his ancestors with him to prove that he is elligable to go to heaven! You better bring along a batch of lawyers to prove your case too! Hurray for the Ten Commandments!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#97 Postby animist » July 12th, 2017, 9:21 am

VINDICATOR wrote:Who's souls are the missionaries saving?
According to the Ten Commandments, anyone whose great grandparents didn't worship God must go to hell! Therefore, the missionaries cannot save the souls of the people they convert. Missionaries can only save the souls of the great grand children of the persons that they convert to Christianity! On judgement day, everyone has to bring all his ancestors with him to prove that he is elligable to go to heaven! You better bring along a batch of lawyers to prove your case too! Hurray for the Ten Commandments!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

which Commandment says that great-grandchildren of non-believers go to Hell?

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#98 Postby animist » July 12th, 2017, 9:44 am

VINDICATOR wrote:Dear animist,
Thanks for your interest. The Muslim slave owners in Africa didn't take their African slaves back to Arabia, they were doing the dirty business of coralling Black slaves in Africa and selling them directly to the American slave traders there. It was a division of labor. Look it up in historical literature. Muslims didn't need Black slaves, they had enough indigenous slaves. Even today you will find slave trade in Muslim countries.
my previous post referred to East Africa, whereas the Atlantic slave trade obviously centred on West Africa. Arab Muslims may well have been involved in the latter in the way you mention, but the point about exclusively Arab slavers in East Africa was what the film-maker was referring to, IIRC
VINDICATOR wrote:Muslim women are a special case of slavery. This includes FGM, selling girls for wives, etc. We will look into these problems in detail.
1-FGM: A Muslim man doesn't want a wife, he wants a sex-slave, breeding machine, and household servant. In order to ensure her fidelity, she will be subjected to FGM, ie. Female Genital Mutilation. They take the young girls and cut out their clitoris and other erogenous zones leaving only scar tissue so that she has no pleasure in sex, only pain.Then the man is confident that she won't have any extramarital sex! She doesn't even want to have sex with her "husband" so he hangs a whip by the bed to let her know what will happen if she denies him!
FGM is not a Muslim doctrine and has been practised in Xian societies like Ethiopia and (I assume) largely animist parts of Africa (oops - my forum name is embarrassing me now!)
VINDICATOR wrote:2-Honor murder: Young girls are sold to old men, and are otherwise coerced into sex against their will. They are not allowed to marry the boy they want to. If she resists, she will be murdered by her family. This is called "honor killing"! Although this and FGM not mandated by the Koran, it is very rampant in Islamic countries. At least 9000 girls are honor murdered every year in Pakistan alone!
again, you are pretty correct to point to this, but I think that arranged and maybe even forced, marriages, honour killings and the rest are part of other than Muslim societies - eg Hindu and other religious traditions. I would guess that most marriages in history have been more or less arranged, with modern notions of choice and romance rather absent. Young men as well as young women would not have had the freedom to choose that we take for granted today, though of course you're right to say that women are especially unfree in most societies
VINDICATOR wrote:3-Shariah Law: According to Shariah Law, a woman has to have 4 male witnesses willing to testify to her innocence, otherwise she is guilty! That's why you never hear of rape in a Shariah country, it's never reported! In a Shariah country, a rape victim is guilty of fornication, and is liable to be stoned to death! In 2013 a norwegian girl Marte Debora Dalel was sentenced to 18 months in prison for being raped in Dubai. This is very lenient because she was an expat!
I think that rapes are reported in Muslim societies, but of course you are right about the problems which a female victim of rape faces
VINDICATOR wrote:4-etc. There are plenty more examples, such as not allowing unaccompanied women outdoors, not letting women drive cars, forcing women to wear a tent, etc. etc. I don't think that the Black slaves in America were any more miserable than the Shariah women!
I doubt your last statement. Again, I agree with the general drift of what you say, Vinnie, but maybe you should not single out Islam as particularly guilty on these various counts. I do get the impression that women have till modern times been very much second-class members of most societies and have had substantially less control over their lives than men of the same social rank. If you want to call this slavery, I might not disagree, though it may be a bit simplistic to lump everything together in the way that you do :smile:

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#99 Postby VINDICATOR » July 12th, 2017, 2:37 pm

Dear animist,
Right up at the beginning of the Ten Commandments we have: Exodus 20: 5 "I the Lord your God am a jealous God,punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me!" As I said, Christians never read the Bible, if they do, it's always cherry-picking so they never have the fun that we Atheists do. Here God is making a law to punish people for something that their ancestors did! Only God could do that, and the Fundies want us to too! Isn't that hilarious?
I said that the Koran doesn't mandate you to FGM or honor killing. However it is mostly the Muslims that do that. Recently there has been an uprising of FGM in the US and laws are being made to stop it. I think that Muslim girls in Europe are taken abroad to perform FGM, I'm sure you know that!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#100 Postby VINDICATOR » July 19th, 2017, 3:59 pm

Jokes from the Bible:
The Bible is not only a book of fairy tales, it's also a treasure chest of jokes. You can find many jokes on any page of the Bible! You don't believe me? Then let me guide you through a few pages and have some fun!
First of all, according to the Bible, God created the universe in 6 days. However, he didn't create the sun until the 4th day. How can you have a day without the sun? That's 4 days without a sun, The writer of the Bible obviously didn't know where daylight came from. He thought that daylight was an independent entity that just came and went and the sun just happened to come out during the day like the moon just happens to come out at night! That is the reasoning of the stone age nomads who wrote the Bible!This is the first joke in the Bible!

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#101 Postby VINDICATOR » July 20th, 2017, 2:54 pm

More Bible jokes:
Moses, or whoever wrote the Bible, not only didn't know where daylight came from, (he said that God made daylight three days before he made the sun!) They also didn't know where rain came from! He thought that there was a reservoir in the sky. Therefore God had to make a "dome" to prevent this water from flooding the Earth! If you wanted to protect the Earth with a "dome" then the Earth would have to be flat! A "dome" could not protect a spherical Earth! That's 2 jokes!
:hilarity: :hilarity:


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