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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
Posts: 340
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#61 Postby VINDICATOR » April 28th, 2017, 3:08 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

joke 51: Foundational
The other day I was talking with a Theist friend of mine and this is the gist of our discussion:
He: "You atheists don't have any beliefs or faiths. To you there is no God, no after-life, no Heaven, no Hell etc. Hence you have no purpose in life. What do you live for? Why do you try to wean me away from my God? What is foundational to your existence?"
Me: "Since most Atheists don't have a Church, (excluding the Satanic Temple and Pastifarians) I can only speak for myself.
First of all, entirely by chance, I was born into the Human Race. Therefore, I have the responsibility to make the World a better place for all human beings to live in. I don't spend my life buying a ticket to heaven like you do. This life is all I have so I make the best of it! The Poet Longfellow said:

"Life is real, life is earnest, and the grave (or heaven) is not the goal.
Dust thou art to dust returneth was not spoken of the soul.
Lives of great men oft' remind us we can make our lives sublime.
And departing leave behind us FOOTPRINTS ON THE SANDS OF TIME!"
Yes, there is no after-life. But humanity will honor forever the footprints of: Confucius, Jesus (the teacher, not the magician), Galileo, Bruno, Isaac Newton, Thomas Jefferson, Einstein, Alan Turing, etc. etc.

I can't speak for all Atheists but one of my priorities is to ensure the muzzling of the power of the Church/Mosque. Whenever they acquire great power then the people suffer. Five Centuries ago the Christian Church had unlimitted power and they used it to murder at least 12 million people in the Inquisition, Witch Hunts, etc. they don't do that any more today, not that they don't want to, but because we have taken away their power to do so!
Today, wherever Islam gains total power, they kidnap schoolgirls for sex slaves (they say Allah ordered them to do so), they teach their children how to behead the Infidels, they throw the gays off the roof tops, they murder millions of people because they obstruct them from establishing a world-wide Kalifate!
Don't get me wrong, I still believe in religious freedom. However, only those religions that live-and-let-live should be permitted to exist. Any religion that tries to rule the World and won't tolerate any other philosophy should be terminated!
And that, my Theist friend, is the "foundational" to my existence!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#62 Postby VINDICATOR » May 1st, 2017, 3:39 am

joke 51: May Day
Note that this is joke 51. My post of April 28th was misnamed a "joke". It was very serious and not a joke. Today I'll give you a couple of jokes to recompense you.

Today is May DAy. If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? This is too easy, here's another one:
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Post your answer and get a Noble (sic) Prize!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 340
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#63 Postby VINDICATOR » May 3rd, 2017, 6:13 am

joke 52: Too easy too.
First of all, answer to #51: If the Pilgrims were alive today they would be 400 years old and they would be famous for their longevity! However, compared to the Bible where everyone lived to 900 "odd" years, they would be just in the prime of life! Note that the "odd" in that sentence has a double meaning. Noah was 600 years old when he and his sons repopulated the whole World! Imagine, in those days without any medicine, People 500 to 600 years old could bear huge batches of children!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

Today's joke: What can go up a chimny down but can't go down a chimny up?
Who gets the Noble Prize today?

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#64 Postby Tetenterre » May 3rd, 2017, 10:53 am

Blimey, that's an old one: umbrella.

(Now come & play Henny Penny) :D
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

VINDICATOR
Posts: 340
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#65 Postby VINDICATOR » May 5th, 2017, 4:21 am

joke 53: The pot and the kettle.
"O Ho" said the pot to the kettle, "You are dirty and filthy and black. No one would think you were metal, unless you were given a crack!"
"Not so, not so" kettle cried to the pot. "It's your own dirty image you see. For I am so clean without blemish or blot, that your blackness is mirrored in me!"

I learned this from my mother when I was a toddler. I don't know where she learned it from. It's very useful, and I always had it in mind during the US Presidential elections! Here are some examples:

1-As far as I can see, Trump and Hillory are both filthy and black.
2-The Pope is even blacker. He scolds Trump for building a wall to keep out illegal immigrants. However, the Vatican walls are even higher. It was built to prrotect the thousands of tons of gold stashed in the Vatican cellars. This gold is dripping with blood. In WWII, Hitler and the Vatican were on the same side, but they fought over the gold that they stole from the conquered countries and the Jews they murdered.
3-The Pope scolds Trump for not taking in more refugees. How many refugees did the Vatican take in? The Vatican should use their gold to create sanctuaries for the refugees. But no, they stash up their wealth on Earth! That proves that they don't believe in "Heaven" which is just a scam to lead their sheep to the slaughter-house!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#66 Postby VINDICATOR » May 7th, 2017, 1:34 pm

joke 54: Johnny
1-Johnny finds God
Johnny was pulling his little red cart up a hill and cursing "damn", "hell" all the way.
The town priest heard him and said' "Johnny, you shouldn't curse like that, God is all around us."
Johnny asked, "Is he in my cart?"
The priest said, "yes, he's everywhere."
Johnny said, "No wonder the cart is so heavy, tell him to get the hell out and help me pull the damned thing!"

2-Johnny finds Jesus
A Catholic school teacher asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven: "In Heaven."
Mary: "In my heart."
Johnny: "In our bathroom!"
Teacher: "Johnny, why do you say that?"
Johnny: "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?""

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#67 Postby VINDICATOR » May 9th, 2017, 3:29 pm

joke 55: Bruno vindicated at last! But where is the Church's apology?

The other day I met with Giordano Bruno. He was reading a newspaper and seemed very excited and had a huge grin. I asked him what was making him so happy. This is our conversation:

Me: "Hi Giordy. What do you see in the newspaper that gets you so high?"
Bruno: "Hi, Vinny. As you know, over 4 Centuries ago the Christian canons said that the Earth was the center of the universe and everything revolved around it. Anyone who didn't believe this was a heretic and would be burned at the stake! About that time, some astronomers such as Copernicus said "No, the sun is the center of the universe". The Church then went about arresting these heretics that dared to revoke the Church Canons. Actually, these "heretics" had not gone far enough. I said that the Sun was not the center of the universe. I said that there is no center of the universe; all the stars were distant suns that have "Earths" revolving about them! I also criticized the Church. I said that the Church should stick to their job of teaching morals and leave astronomy to the astronomers! This incurred the wrath of the Church and they used torture to try to make me submit. I am a man of principles, I will not bow down to tyranny! They said that if I refused to admit I was wrong they would burn me at the stake! As you know, I refused to admit I was wrong, so they burned me!"
Me: "In order to save themselves from the stake, some people recanted with tongue in cheek. Burning is an extremely painful death!"
Bruno: "You can say that again! However, it would be even more painful for me to deny the truth!"
Me: "It's Giants like you that make me proud to be a human being! Btw, what were you grinning about just then?"
Bruno: "I just read in the papers that they have discovered another batch of exoplanets and are on the verge of communicating with the extraterrestrials. What's more, even the Chief Astronomer of the Vatican has aknowledged the exoplanets and extraterrestrials! The Church today is not the Church that burned me at the stake. They have in effect vindicated me. However, I have not vindicated them! Only when the Church apologizes for the millions of "heretics" it burned at the stake and erects a huge monument to them in St. Peter's Square--only then will I consider vindicating them!"

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#68 Postby VINDICATOR » May 11th, 2017, 2:18 pm

joke 56: Wine taster applies for a job. (non religious)
Their wine taster died so a winery was looking for a new one. An applicant appeared. Although he looked like a drunk, he said, "I'm the best wine taster there is and I want the best salary there is!"
The director smiled and Thought, "We'll get rid of him quickly enough." Then he gave him a glass of their low end wine to taste.
He took a sip without sniffing or twirling and said: "Muscat, 3 years old grown on a north slope matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
The boss said: "Correct! give him another glass."
"Cabernet. Eight years old, south east slope. Oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees, requires at least 3 more years for best results."
"Correct!"
After a couple of more tests all correct to the last drop, the Director was thinking of a way to get this intollerable drunk out of here. He winked at his secretary secretely suggesting something. She left and then came back with a glass of urine!
The applicant took one sip and said: (punch line)

Will someone please fill in the punch line? The first one who gets it right gets a Noble Prize! Hint: The applicant got the job and the salary he wanted!
Tetenterre? Animist?

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#69 Postby VINDICATOR » May 12th, 2017, 7:58 pm

punch line for joke 56:
“A blond, 26 years old, 3 months pregnant. Now if I don't get the job with the salary I ask for then I'll name the father!”
He got the job with the salary he asked for!
:hilarity: :hilarity:
Maybe some one knows an even better punch line?

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#70 Postby VINDICATOR » May 14th, 2017, 3:17 pm

Einstein's religion.

A couple of days ago I went over to visit my pal Albert Einstein. He was seated at his desk scribbling math equations like mad and didn't notice me even when I called him. When he stopped scribbling and he smiled with a sigh, I called him again: "Albert, what are you doing now?" Then we had this conversation:
Albert: "Hi Vinny, I'm writing a new chapter in the Bible of Nature".
Me: "Oh? Don't you have to do some some experimenting? They spent billions of dollars to construct the devices to detect the gravity waves you predicted. How much did you spend to construct the devices you used to formulate the Theory of Relativity?"
Albert: "Not one cent, I did it all in my head!"
Me: "Astounding! Unbelievable! You are a super genious!"
Albert: "Ha Ha. Better to call me a freak! When I get on the clue for something new in the Laws of Nature, sometimes I even forget to eat or sleep!"
Me: "Some people say that you are a Theist because you often speak of God."
Albert: "Yes. However I don't believe in a personal God like a King sitting on a throne judging whether you should got to Heaven or Hell! Nature is my God, and the Laws of Nature is my Bible. You could call me a Pantheist!"
Me: "Then what did you mean when you said that "Science without religion is lame, and religion without science is blind"?"
Albert: "Ha! The Theists are always using that quote to try to prove that I am one of them. What I meant is that if you want to make a great contribution to science, you have to pursue your goal with a religious like endeavor and be willing to do sacrifices for it ! The Great Giordano Bruno gave his life for our God and not the God of the Inquisition!"

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#71 Postby VINDICATOR » May 15th, 2017, 12:43 pm

Correction for typo in yesterday's post, and joke 57:
Yesterday Albert sent me an email. He said he never called himself a "freak" like I said. He smiled and said, I do call myself a "geek" sometimes."

joke 57: "I need help"
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk asks, "May I help you?"
guest: "Yes, I'm in room 858. I just had an argument with my husband and he says he's going to jump out the window!
clerk: "I'm sorry ma'am, but that's a personal matter."
guest: "Listen you idiot. The window won't open----that's a maintanance matter!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#72 Postby VINDICATOR » May 17th, 2017, 4:12 pm

Creation in 6 days? Einstein says:
The other day I was discussing the creation of the universe with my Theist friend and this is the gist of it:
Theist: "something as wonderful as the universe could not have just happened by accident, it must have a Creator. That is why I believe in God."
Me: "Oh? Then who created God? Or did he just happen by accident?"
Theist: "God was not created, he is eternal, he existed before the universe."
Me: "Do you know what "time" is?"
Theist: "Sure, who doesn't know what time is. It's something for things to happen in."
Me: "Before the age of Einstein, everyone thought that they knew what time was. It was an independant entity for things to "happen in". Even the great Newton thought so. However, Einstein proved that time is not an independant entity, it is only an aspect of the "space-time continuum" and cannot exist independantly of space. The independence of time is just an illusion of our minds. The Laws of Nature as determined by Einstein in his Theory of Relativity have been tested dozens of times in the past Century and has passed all the tests with flying colors! This includes the observation of gravity waves last year. Einstein has never been wrong!
The time-space continuum only exists in our universe. So, there can be no time or space outside of the universe. Hence the statements: "before the universe", "God is eternal" etc. is meaningless! It's similar to the sentence we hear at the beginning of fairy tales: "Once upon a time".
Einstein said that the laws of nature are finite, but the imagination of man is infinite. I think he was criticizing the inventors of religion!"

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#73 Postby VINDICATOR » May 22nd, 2017, 3:18 pm

Here are some old ones:

Paddy says: "I'm thinking of buying a Labrador"."Blow that" says Mike. "Haven't you seen how many of their owners go blind!"

"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Imagine that--2:30! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes!"

Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. The police thought it might be the beginning of Ram-a-dam!

:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#74 Postby VINDICATOR » May 23rd, 2017, 3:42 pm

Hitler is sorry!
One day I happened to come across Hitler crying.
Me: "I hope that you're crying because you're sorry you killed so many people! Everyone hates you for that. How could you do such a dastardly thing! Everyone curses you for it."
Hitler: "You're wrong. I'm crying not because I killed so many people. I'm crying because I lost the war. All throughout history many great men have led armies of conquest to establish an empire. If they win then they are honored as heroes. For instance Alexander the Great, Julius Ceasar, Genghis Kahn, Emperor Ching, The British Empire, etc. They killed more people than I did to establish their Empires. Genghis Kahn killed ten times more people than I did. His armies were like those of the Old Testament, When they conquored a city, they would murder the whole population except for young virgins which they kept for sex slaves. Genghis Kahn had hundreds of sex slaves in his harem. However. he is considered a Nationality hero in Mongolia and China where they still have festivals to celebrate his birthday every year!
If I had won the war, I would have conglomerated all of Europe into the Third Reich. There would be no bickering among the different parts. There would be no "Brexits", etc. We would be one big Happy family!
Before We started the Blitzkriegs I gave my high command a pep talk. I said: According to the rules of history, if we win we will all be heros! We cannot afford to lose, in which case we become dog shit!"
Me: "I never realized how evil history is. Today you have given me a history lesson! However, don't expect me to forgive you for your crimes to humanity. The World of today is not the World of yesterday! The World of tomorrow will not honor those Empire builders. It will only honor heros of human rights and human advancement such as Thomas Jefferson and Edward Jenner!"

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#75 Postby VINDICATOR » May 28th, 2017, 1:56 pm

The Pope pardons Galileo for being persecuted! Mohammed pardons a girl for being raped!
Yesterday I met Galileo. He had a grimace on his face that made him look like he was laughing and crying at the same time. This is our conversation:
Me: "Hi, what is making you so sad and so glad?"
Galileo: As you know, the Church arrested me for heresy for saying that the Earth revolves around the sun. They said I should be burned at the stake like Bruno, but if I made an apology and admitted my crime and stopped my "criminal" activities, they could change my sentence to house-arrest for life! I thought that the truth would sooner or later come out anyway, there is no need for me to stick my neck out! So I made a false confession that saved my skin. Bruno is much more of a saint than I am!
The Church has been losing power for Centuries and it can't force people to believe that the Earth is the center of the universe any more! In 1979 the Church, in order to save face, decided to do something about it. After contemplating the problem for 13 years, they finally came up with a solution. They would "pardon" Galileo for his herecy! In 1992, Pope John Paul II "forgave the Italian astronomer galileo for advocating that the Earth revolves around the sun“!Here is another Vatican invention, ie. "I forgive you for being right!" (Some of the other inventions are "immaculate conception" and "transubstantiation")”
Me: "Next they will have to pardon Bruno for requesting to be burned at the stake! When are they going to pardon the millions of "heretics" and "witches" etc. they burned at the stake? I will never forgive the Church until they beg for FORGIVENESS and erect a 100 foot monument to these victims in St. Peter's Square!
The funniest thing of all is that human scum use this invention today! In Dubai in 2013, a Norwegian girl Marte Deborah Dalel was raped, and she was sentenced to 18 months in prison FOR BEING RAPED! Many human rights groups made protests. Eventually the Norway govt. intervened. In the end, the Prime Minister of the UAE (Sheikh Mohammed) issued her a "pardon" for being raped! Imagine, A PARDON FOR BEING RAPED! Actually 18 months is very lenient because she was an expat. If she was a local girl she might be stoned to death. And that is why you never hear of rape in a Shariah country, it's never reported!! If you are a girl going to a Shariah country, if you get raped, for heaven's sake Don't report it!!!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#76 Postby VINDICATOR » June 3rd, 2017, 1:55 pm

Kudos--Ireland did it again!
A couple of years ago Ireland, which is 90% Christian, shook the foundation of Christianity by being the first country to pass a law by referendum legalizing same sex marriages! Now they have elected an open gay, Leo Varadcar, as Prime Minister! He says that he will hold a referendum on abortion!
I'll bet that those old fogies in the Vatican are pissing in their britches wondering how long will it be before they lose their plush jobs! If they are smart, they will start modernizing their church (Like the Protestants did) such as having women Priests and doing away with celebacy. Otherwise the Church will collapse very quickly like a house of cards!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#77 Postby VINDICATOR » June 6th, 2017, 2:15 pm

Catholic golf:
A priest and a nun had a rare afternoon off and they went to play golf.
The priest stepped up and took a mighty swing and missed the ball. He said "Shit, I missed."
Nun: "Watch your language, Father."
The priest took another swing, missed again, and said "Shit, I missed!"
Nun: "If you don't watch your language God will punish you!"
After another 2 "Shit I missed", a tremendous rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning strikes Sister Ann dead!
Then from the sky comes a booming voice: "SHIT, I MISSED!"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#78 Postby VINDICATOR » June 7th, 2017, 3:13 pm

The greatest Englishman in history. Chapter 1
Four Centuries ago on a Christmas day, a new widow on a farm in England bore a son and named him Isaac. After a few years of schooling, he left school because he was needed on the farm. But because of his excellent scholarship, the school convinced them to let him continue his education. That is the beginnings of Isaac Newton, The greatest scientist in history!
Isaac almost single handed revolutionized science and mechanics. He wrote the very important Chapter in the "No nonsense Bible" entitled: "Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy" published in 1687. For almost 4 Centuries this has been the basis of our technological revolution. All our technological activities are based on it right up till today, including cars, airplanes, rockets, etc. It explains the actions of all the heavenly bodies. We study his laws when we go to school, we use his laws at our work or at play. Without these laws we would be caught in the Dark-Ages!
However, he was very modest. He said: "If I have been able to see further, it was only because I stood on the shoulders of giants!"

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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#79 Postby VINDICATOR » June 8th, 2017, 3:03 pm

The greatest Englishman in history. Chapter 2
However, Isaac was plagued by contradiction. On the one hand, he was an expert on the Laws of Nature, ie. the "No Nonsense Bible" which he wrote some very important chapters of. On the other hand, he was indoctrinated (brain-washed) with Christianity and the Bible. He was perplexed by the serious contradictions between the facts of his knowledge and the magic encountered in the Bible. For instance, Isaac used his concept of gravity to prove the solar-centric model of the solar system that Copernicus arrived at through astronomical observations. Yet the Bible says that Joshua caused the sun to stay still in the sky! For the sun to "stay still in the sky" would mean that the Earth would have to stop revolving! There is much more of this magic in the Bible.
After Isaac solved the problems of the material universe, He spent the latter part of his life trying to solve the problems of the spiritual universe, but he failed! Einstein took up where Isaac left off. On the one hand, he proposed the theory of Relativity. On the other hand, he said that the Bible was just a book of fairy tales! When Einstein was young, he was indoctrinated with both Judaism and Christianity but he was too intelligent to take them seriously. Remember that Einstein had many more giant shoulders to stand on than Newton did, including Isaac Newton's enormous shoulders!
Btw, 99% of the problems we encounter daily are still solved using Newtonian physics. Only in extremely modern technology do we have to incorporate Relativity, such as satellite operation like GPS, particle accelerators, astronomy, nuclear engineering, etc. Newton can still solve 99% of our ordinary everyday problems.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#80 Postby VINDICATOR » June 9th, 2017, 2:13 pm

The Greatest Englishman in history. Final chapter
To sum it up, Isaac was the most important single person to show us how to solve the problems of the material universe. Everyone who has gone to school has studied the fundamental laws of motion, gravity, etc. that he pioneered 4 Centuries ago!
Although, due to his brain-wash, he never was able to resolve the paradox of religion, still he is worthy of our praise. To understand him better, here are some more of his quotes:
I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people!
To explain all of nature is too difficult for one man, or even for one age.
I am like a little boy playing on the sea shore. Once in a while I find a smoother pebble or prettier shell, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me!
We must be rightious and do to ALL men as we would they should do to us. (The Golden Rule of course! I wrote his "all" with capitals to accentuate it.)

All Englishmen/women should be proud to have such a forefather! All human beings should be proud of him!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#81 Postby VINDICATOR » June 14th, 2017, 12:10 pm

An English joke!
A French policeman stops an Englisman's car and asks him if he had been drinking.
The gentleman, with some difficulty, says, "I've just come from my son's wedding. I've been drinking all afternoon and I can hardly keep my eyes open!
The Gendarme takes an alcotest and says, "Do you know why you're under arrest?"
Gentleman answers, "No. Did you know that this is a British car, and my wife is in the driver's seat on the other side?!"


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