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Your Horoscope
- Tetenterre
- Posts: 3244
- Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am
Your Horoscope
The astrology thread reminded me that I had this lurking on my hard drive...
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact, you are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. At least, that's how you like to see yourself; in fact, most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. Taureans have BO, halitosis and fart a lot. You are a Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you, but only because you are bisexual and an easy lay. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are renowned for thriving on incest.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker and walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will never make anything of your life and will always be on state benefit. You are not worth a shit.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader; everyone else thinks you are pushy. All Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot stand criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are all thieving bastards.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder; this nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are gay, even if you don't know it. Libra women make excellent prostitutes. Whatever your gender, chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. All Libra people die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a social mis-fit and a total bastard. Most Scorpio people are murdered, usually in bed.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you are utterly devoid of talent. The majority of Sagittarians are alcoholics, heroin addicts, or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact, you are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. At least, that's how you like to see yourself; in fact, most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. Taureans have BO, halitosis and fart a lot. You are a Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you, but only because you are bisexual and an easy lay. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are renowned for thriving on incest.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker and walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will never make anything of your life and will always be on state benefit. You are not worth a shit.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader; everyone else thinks you are pushy. All Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot stand criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are all thieving bastards.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder; this nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are gay, even if you don't know it. Libra women make excellent prostitutes. Whatever your gender, chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. All Libra people die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a social mis-fit and a total bastard. Most Scorpio people are murdered, usually in bed.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you are utterly devoid of talent. The majority of Sagittarians are alcoholics, heroin addicts, or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
Steve
Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.
Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.
Re: Your Horoscope
Hey, that's me! Astrology must be genuine after all.Taureans have BO, halitosis and fart a lot.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Re: Your Horoscope
Oh that's just great. You don't think us Capricorns even exist, do you? Typical arrogance of all other birth signs.
Alan Henness
There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:
1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?
There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:
1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?
Re: Your Horoscope
My response was exactly the same as Alan's! We Capricorns have a sense of being ripped-off and dissed at every opportunity by the smart-arses of the ROZ. (Rest of Zodiac)
- Tetenterre
- Posts: 3244
- Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am
Re: Your Horoscope
Given that there has never been a Capricornian of any importance, that star sign is now revoked. Any former Capricornians have two choices: you may either become Ophiuchians, where you'll never get a horoscope because astrologers don't know how to do it, or you may apply to join another zodiac sign -- if anyone will have you.
I'd have thought everyone would have known that already.
But here's what you would have had:
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. Dogs piss on you.
I bet you wish you hadn't whinged, now.
I'd have thought everyone would have known that already.
But here's what you would have had:
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. Dogs piss on you.
I bet you wish you hadn't whinged, now.
Steve
Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.
Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.
Re: Your Horoscope
See what we mean? Bleedin' Rozzer!
Don't know how to pronounce it?Tetenterre wrote: you may either become Ophiuchians, where you'll never get a horoscope because astrologers don't know how to do it,
Jeebus! And Rudolph!Tetenterre wrote:There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Re: Your Horoscope
Alan Henness
There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:
1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?
There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:
1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?
Re: Your Horoscope
I am Taurean and I really take offence at this. I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
Re: Your Horoscope
That's like a red flag to a bull!Val wrote:I am Taurean and I really take offence at this. I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
- Tetenterre
- Posts: 3244
- Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am
Re: Your Horoscope
Calm down, Val. Maybe you didn't know you were, but the stars cannot be wrong. Trust me.Val wrote:I am Taurean and I really take offence at this. I AM NOT A COMMUNIST.
Steve
Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.
Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.
-
- Posts: 694
- Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm
Re: Your Horoscope
I am a Virgo and have long been considering a career change. Thanks for your horological guidance. Where does one apply to become a pimp?
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"
Re: Your Horoscope
It appears Venus is warning me to be careful in dealing with a friend......
OK, which one of you guys is about to throw a wobbler?
OK, which one of you guys is about to throw a wobbler?
Re: Your Horoscope
I would throw a wobler If it would make you happy Nick but the last one I threw never came back and due to the economic climate I cant afford a new one.(aquarius)
Re: Your Horoscope
It's all bollocks of course, but read somewhere today that with careful choice of intercourse date and with use of caesarean birth one can choose one's child's star sign ??????
-
- Posts: 694
- Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm
Re: Your Horoscope
I always choose my intercourse dates carefully...jaywhat wrote:but read somewhere today that with careful choice of intercourse date and with use of caesarean birth one can choose one's child's star sign
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"
Re: Your Horoscope
...whereas I just grab any chance I get.
Of course, it's all bollox.
But I would say that, being Aries.
Of course, it's all bollox.
But I would say that, being Aries.
Re: Your Horoscope
Rubbish! Arians are superstitious. It's only us Capricorns that think it's bollox!Nick wrote:...whereas I just grab any chance I get.
Of course, it's all bollox.
But I would say that, being Aries.
Re: Your Horoscope
I'm a heavenly twin [apparently]
I wont listen to "Steve Wright" On radio 2 because he has "astrologers" on, he once took seriously a woman who claimed she could read the minds of peoples pets I really don't like the guy.
I wont listen to "Steve Wright" On radio 2 because he has "astrologers" on, he once took seriously a woman who claimed she could read the minds of peoples pets I really don't like the guy.
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.
Re: Your Horoscope
And what does your newt think?Alan C. wrote:I'm a heavenly twin [apparently]
I wont listen to "Steve Wright" On radio 2 because he has "astrologers" on, he once took seriously a woman who claimed she could read the minds of peoples pets I really don't like the guy.
Re: Your Horoscope
All my pets share my views ALWAYS........thundril
And what does your newt think?
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.