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Living Alone or Lonely?

Enter here to talk about books, art, literature, film, TV and anything else to do with popular culture.
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stevenw888
Posts: 694
Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#21 Post by stevenw888 » August 23rd, 2011, 6:00 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

I'm sure that it doesn't but I'm interested in finding out why.

Emma - to return to your post - after leaving home and going to university, did you not at some time, while at uni or shortly after, meet anyone who you thought was really special and made you you think - "Wow - I love this person a lot, I'd really like to spend the rest of my life with this person."
"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots." - From the film "Top Gun"

Fia
Posts: 5480
Joined: July 6th, 2007, 8:29 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#22 Post by Fia » August 23rd, 2011, 6:46 pm

Firstly: {{{{Sel}}}} Other women manage childcare without grandparental drudgery, so I prescribe a trip just for you, for starters. Sometimes to be effective one also has to be selfish. Giving is a 2 way street and you have so much credit in that dept it's perfectly reasonable to demand some back imho....
stevenw888 wrote:I'm sure that it doesn't but I'm interested in finding out why.
I think it largely depends on one's own family, psychology, circumstances and for me, age. My perspective: I couldn't wait to leave my parents house to grasp the world with 2 naive but eager hands, being responsible for myself. I had no desire whatsoever to fall into the marry the boy next door cliche - he did try :) I felt wholly ill equipped to swap one dysfunctional house for a possible other one. I wanted to explore and understand my inner and outer worlds and mature before committing myself to anything or anyone. Living communally I learnt how important making one's own space is. When I first lived alone, in a tiny flat that I owned, it took quite a while to overcome what Emma identified:
Emma wrote:It doesn't help that living alone and being single, especially if one has always been single, still carries quite a powerful social stigma, and often seems to invite pity.
However, the joys of living alone and my growing personal strength overcame that. It was only when the biological clock started ticking deafeningly that I shared my home with my daughter's Dad. It wasn't a good place for me, I still longed to be alone. Now in my mid 50s, as I said in my first post in this thread: "the times I am alone I relish with great enthusiasm." Perhaps I'm selfish, but I do know I'm a far more relaxed and nicer person for extended periods alone, and I'm hugely looking forward to downsizing to a completely new place when my youngest finishes school.

It perhaps might have been good to have met a soul-mate and lived my life differently, as many of you have. But I didn't. And I don't miss it because I've learnt the difference between being alone and being lonely, and I am never the latter... we really need that smug bastard smilie

ludite
Posts: 603
Joined: April 4th, 2010, 8:06 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#23 Post by ludite » August 23rd, 2011, 8:13 pm

Animist my wife knows how I feel we get along as flat mates more than a married couple. For solitude I walk along the coast path and can usually find a nice spot to be alone with my thoughts. When I want company there is a nice local pub or two. Most pubs in the area cater for the noisey yuf and stag and hen parties.

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Dave B
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#24 Post by Dave B » August 23rd, 2011, 8:14 pm

I found "loneliness" was a state of mind rather than a state of being. The deprivation of another person with whom to share thoughts, triumphs, disasters, good food . . . almost anything you can think of. Places like crowded pubs, with people laughing and joking with each other, can be the loneliest places in the world when in the wrong frame of mind.

Living in a state of organised disarray/obsessional arrangement (it is possible!) that I know drives others mad is my normal state - has been since I was a kid. I am happy alone in that state. I keep "normal" behaviour for company, especially valued company - so long as I have some of that all is shiny. The need for company goes both ways though, answering the needs of others is also important.

So, I am alone, in terms of how I live my personal life, but never lonely because I interact freely with others as they or I need.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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animist
Posts: 6522
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#25 Post by animist » August 24th, 2011, 8:20 am

ludite wrote:Animist my wife knows how I feel we get along as flat mates more than a married couple. For solitude I walk along the coast path and can usually find a nice spot to be alone with my thoughts. When I want company there is a nice local pub or two. Most pubs in the area cater for the noisey yuf and stag and hen parties.
coastal paths - heaven! That's good - that you both know where you are. Do you mean that you like dropping in on noisy parties - as a contrast to both the solitariness of coastal walks and the familiarity of your domestic arrangements? Going a bit off-topic, coastal walks are somewhat winding and long (as you might expect) and in 1989 one of my last-remaining illusions went - that I could walk as long as I wanted to - when I tried to walk from Teignmouth to Torquay on the coastal path; fortunately there was a pub to collapse into, and noone to know my failure!

Marian
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Joined: August 23rd, 2009, 2:25 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#26 Post by Marian » September 5th, 2011, 2:54 pm

Very thought-provoking subject. I've read the posts and in true narcissistic fashion, I've yet to feel that I fit in there. My life has been an interesting paradox. I don't want to tell all like a sick game show but let's suffice it to say that I find myself quite often on the fringe; an outsider. I think the word is 'different'. The times I have lived with people have, for the most part, been hell for me. Often wonderful for them. Since I can't seem to find someone who is willing to share the concept of interdependence, and who is generous enough to put themselves aside enough to help my son, I am alone.

Funny thing is that sometimes, I do get lonely and I'm not quite sure I believe those of you who say you 'never' feel that. Again maybe it's just wording. My loneliness usually happens when, like Dave said, my state of mind is upset. Particularly if I feel sorry for myself or I notice that men (since I'm hetero) seem to prefer the nastiest women alive to someone like me. But I figure if that's what they want...just don't come crying to me when things turn out all wrong ;)

Mostly though, having a child who is different requires that I be courageous, strong, and be able to have endurance to go the distance without much support (or with terrific but long-distance support). We (my son) and I have experienced so much social ostracism that I prefer to just hang back and wait for the rejection to come. Easier that way but sad I suppose. We have experienced the best and the worst of people.

At any rate, this is the life that I have chosen. I am far happier not going out there (socially) to get my teeth kicked in at the next unpredictable moment, so to speak. The friends I do have are excellent ones although I wish I could see them more than I do.

And Sel, may I be so bold as to state that your daughter and son won't be able to find independence unless you take the bull by the horns and insist that she become an adult, if you know what I mean. :) Can be done.
Transformative fire...

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Sel
Posts: 811
Joined: January 3rd, 2011, 3:53 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#27 Post by Sel » September 5th, 2011, 3:53 pm

And Sel, may I be so bold as to state that your daughter and son won't be able to find independence unless you take the bull by the horns and insist that she become an adult, if you know what I mean. Can be done.
Heh...the bull keeps kicking us in the ass! LOL
I try not cater to them and have done precious little child care until this summer. He is in day care during her weekday shifts.

The two of them travel all over the city on foot and by bus and LRT (train). I would simply wave good-bye as she headed out to daycare with him in a stroller - even at -30C and in a wild blizzard. They are one tough pair! He loves the adventure of snow, wind or rain.

Now if she could find a job for the winter she would be on her way out of here. With daycare costing $950/mo and apartments running $1500 in this city, it will need to be a decent job.

We can see the light at the end of the tunnel and remain optimistic that this will resolve in the not to distant future.

And you are right - she needs to be an adult. She is desperate to get on with her life and use the skills she acquired in the accounting and CAPPA courses she studied over the past 2 years.
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." Bertrand Russell

Marian
Posts: 3985
Joined: August 23rd, 2009, 2:25 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#28 Post by Marian » September 5th, 2011, 7:24 pm

Sel, as an abused woman, does she not qualify for childcare subsidy and affordable housing? Or maybe that's just for spoiled Eastern-more provinces. Sorry to divert the thread but had to ask out of sheer curiosity.
Transformative fire...

Fia
Posts: 5480
Joined: July 6th, 2007, 8:29 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#29 Post by Fia » September 5th, 2011, 9:33 pm

Marian wrote: Funny thing is that sometimes, I do get lonely and I'm not quite sure I believe those of you who say you 'never' feel that. Again maybe it's just wording. My loneliness usually happens when, like Dave said, my state of mind is upset. Particularly if I feel sorry for myself or I notice that men (since I'm hetero) seem to prefer the nastiest women alive to someone like me.
I certainly did feel lonely from time to time when I was younger, for the reasons Emma mentioned... and without modern communications I can see myself feeling that again. But having decided that I'm much happier without a partner - one does need batteries, admittedly :wink: I hope Marian at least knows me well enough to believe me that I never feel lonely now. I recognise it it has not been an easy path to that conclusion, but it's where I feel safe and comfortable...

ok, cue y'all who want to persuade me to live a little - as if I don't :)

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Dave B
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Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#30 Post by Dave B » September 5th, 2011, 9:45 pm

I agree with you, Fia, if you feel comfortable and safe, have friends (and/or family) at the other end of a phone line and don't have that "hole in your life" that loneliness feels like then having a person around all the time is not necessary for all of us. It is good to have others with whom you have a "shared empathy", each recognising that the other has needs that require another ear (or a hug), then the needs are fulfilled.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Sel
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Joined: January 3rd, 2011, 3:53 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#31 Post by Sel » September 5th, 2011, 11:01 pm

Marian wrote:Sel, as an abused woman, does she not qualify for childcare subsidy and affordable housing? Or maybe that's just for spoiled Eastern-more provinces. Sorry to divert the thread but had to ask out of sheer curiosity.
She qualifies for some aid with daycare and a weeeeee bit of assistance (basically covers the difference in child care for the 3 days a week she is a student! All social programs are considerably less here in rich Alberta. EI even requires about twice the number of weeks before you can collect. Doesn't seem right, but who ever said life was fair. :wink:

If I were to kick her out ... hmmmm????
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." Bertrand Russell

Marian
Posts: 3985
Joined: August 23rd, 2009, 2:25 pm

Re: Living Alone or Lonely?

#32 Post by Marian » September 6th, 2011, 12:59 am

Sel wrote:
If I were to kick her out ... hmmmm????
You didn't hear me say this but 'kicking her out' can have a number of benefits. If you own your own home, you can charge her rent if she 'rents out the basement' so to speak. Or you can help her in other ways that you don't announce at the local social service dept. Like groceries or bus pass or rent. Please don't think I'm telling you to kick her out, I'm just making suggestions that might help all concerned.
Transformative fire...

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