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 Limericks 
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 12:36 pm
Posts: 2372
Location: Between the New Forest and Cranborne Chase
A couple to get us started...

There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice rose hoir and hoir
Till it reached such a height
It was clear out of seight,
And they found it next day on the spoir.

A girl who weighed many an oz
Used language I dare not pronoz,
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind,
Just to see, so he said, if she'd boz.

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Steve

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. (Richard Feynman)


August 18th, 2011, 3:51 pm
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Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am
Posts: 9239
Location: Darkest Kent
There was a young lady from Salisbury
Whose conduct was quite halisbury-scalisbury
She danced around Hampshire
Without her pampshire
Till the bishop compelled her to Walisbury.

:D


August 18th, 2011, 4:03 pm
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Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:45 pm
Posts: 174
Location: Wilds of Herefordshire
There was an old man of Antigua
Who said to his wife, 'what a pigua'.
She replied, 'oh. my sweet,
Do you mean how I eat,
Or do you refer to my figua?'

There was an old man of Dunoon
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said, 'since I eat
Neither fowl, fish nor flesh
I should otherwise finish too quick.'

-----------------
Please can we have an advance ruling on rhymes with Nantucket?

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August 18th, 2011, 6:18 pm
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 12:36 pm
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Location: Between the New Forest and Cranborne Chase
Nick wrote:
There was a young lady from Salisbury

:hilarity:

Consider this student from Exeter
So pretty that men craned their nexeter
One was such a knave
That he'd take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sexeter

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Steve

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. (Richard Feynman)


August 18th, 2011, 6:49 pm
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Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:45 pm
Posts: 174
Location: Wilds of Herefordshire
There was a young couple from Aberystwyth
Who connected the parts that they kissed with,
And as they grew older
They also grew bolder
And connected the parts that they shook hands with.


There was a young plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea;
She said, 'someone's coming!'
Said the plumber, still plumbing,
'If anyone's coming, it's me!'

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August 19th, 2011, 8:51 am
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 12:36 pm
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Location: Between the New Forest and Cranborne Chase
Griblet wrote:
Please can we have an advance ruling on rhymes with Nantucket?


The ruling is that anyone posting rhymes with Nantucket or Buckingham buys all the beers and dinner if we ever meet up.

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgings
And swarms with erotic effects

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Steve

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. (Richard Feynman)


August 19th, 2011, 11:00 am
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm
Posts: 14523
Location: Gloucester
A fellow from old Nantucket
Had hot water in a tin bucket
He dipped in a toe
Yelled, loudly "OH!"
Stuck his toe in his mouth to sucket

Apart from stretching poetic license what's wrong with that? :shrug:

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August 19th, 2011, 11:14 am
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Joined: February 27th, 2008, 1:17 pm
Posts: 2976
Location: Greater London
There was a young lady from Twickenham
Whose shoes were too tight to walk quick in 'em
She walked for a mile
Then sat on a stile
And took off her shoes and was sick in 'em


August 19th, 2011, 11:40 am
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm
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Location: Gloucester
A pet was known, shortly, as Icky
Which is a name a trifle tricky
It can equate with "Drecky"
(Synonymous with "Yecky")
And can also mean sort of sicky

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August 19th, 2011, 12:02 pm
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Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:45 pm
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Location: Wilds of Herefordshire
A dirty young lady of Cheadle
Gave a dose of the clap to the Beadle;
When she asked, 'does it itch?'
He said, 'yes, you damn bitch,
And it burns like hell fire when I peedle.'

There was a young gaucho called Bruno,
Who said. 'there eez one thing I do know:
A woman eez fine,
A young boy eez divine,
But a llama eez numero uno.'

On the bosom of young Abigail
Was tatooed the price of her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

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August 19th, 2011, 12:17 pm
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm
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Location: Gloucester
Whilst filling his belly with Moet
A chap thought himself quite the poet
But he got very tiddly
Found the meter extremely fiddly
And couldn't find a rhyme for the last line . . .


:D

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August 19th, 2011, 12:39 pm
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Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am
Posts: 9239
Location: Darkest Kent
There was a yong man from Sydenham,
Cried "My trousers!" Where have you hydenham?"
It's perfectly true
They're not brand new
But I foolishly left several quidenham.


August 19th, 2011, 1:16 pm
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm
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Location: Gloucester
[I used to live in Sydenham! :D ]

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August 19th, 2011, 1:19 pm
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Location: Darkest Kent
So it was you! Did you find your trousers? :D


The director of the co.,
Warned he was going to tho.
Man that he saw,
Dumping trash on the floor.
So the workers, therefore, didn't do.

:D


August 19th, 2011, 1:42 pm
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Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm
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Location: Gloucester
[I launderetted a £20 note in the pocket of a pair once - stayed in pocket and survived!]

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August 19th, 2011, 2:00 pm
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Must have been a very large pair of trousers.......


...or have I got that wrong? :wink:


August 19th, 2011, 2:05 pm
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Joined: July 16th, 2010, 12:48 pm
Posts: 605
Location: Birmingham, England
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl,
"You're a tight one."
She replied, " Upon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."


There once was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said,"It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"


Said an innocent girlie named Shelley
As a man rolled her onto her belly
"This is not the position for human coition,
And why the petroleum jelly?"

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August 19th, 2011, 2:51 pm
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Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm
Posts: 4410
Location: "mysterious east" grinstead
I wish I had the trick
Of writing a Limerick.
It just goes to show
What I already know:
I'm a boring and humourless prick


August 19th, 2011, 4:29 pm
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Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:45 pm
Posts: 174
Location: Wilds of Herefordshire
There was an old Bishop of Birmingham
Who raped little girls while confirming 'em;
To thundrous applause,
He pulled down their drawers
And pumped the episcopal sperm in 'em.

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August 19th, 2011, 4:45 pm
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 12:36 pm
Posts: 2372
Location: Between the New Forest and Cranborne Chase
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3(sqrt(4))) / 7 + 5 x 11 = 9^2 + 0

Spoiler:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.



I can't do this one in ASCII:

The integral from naught to pi
Of sine-squared of 2 phi d-phi,
When doubled and then
Not altered again,
Is log (minus 1) over i.

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Steve

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool. (Richard Feynman)


August 19th, 2011, 6:03 pm
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