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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

God was a Jew and other jokes

#1 Postby VINDICATOR » December 26th, 2016, 1:37 pm

The other day I was talking with a Fundy (Fundamentalist) and I mentioned that God must be a Jew. Here is our discussion:
Me: God is a Jew
Fundy: How?
Me: Since his son Jesus is a Jew, God his father must be a Jew too. That's called lineage.
Fundy: Not so, according to Jewish law, the son takes the ethnics of the mother. Since his mother Mary was a Jew therefore Jesus is a Jew.
Me: If God must abide by Jewish law, then that proves that God is a Jew!
Fundy: ----------
Me: Your Trinity is two Jews and a Ghost!
End of Joke
I mean no malice to Jews or Christians. I just want to knock those Christians that pursue antisemitism! They forget that the God they worship is the God of Abraham that the Jews were worshipping thousands of years before jesus was born. God called the Jews his "Chosen People". I am not a Jew but some of my best friends are.

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#2 Postby VINDICATOR » December 27th, 2016, 12:02 pm

Joke 2:
Knck knock-
Hudat?
Jesus!
Waduyawant?
I want to save you!
Save me from what?
Save you from what I'm going to do to you if you don't open the door!
:laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#3 Postby VINDICATOR » December 28th, 2016, 11:31 am

Joke 3: Where did God go to?
Me: Hey Goddy, you used to show yourself every once in a while but I haven't seen you for Centuries. We often need you to help us out sometimes, like when Hitler was murdering millions of people and you could have stopped him but we couldn't find you anywhere. Where were you?
God: Sigh. I'm busy as hell so I don't have any spare time to waste on Hitler!
Me: What are you so busy with?
God: There are now 7 billion people that I have to keep surveillance on 24 hours a day to find out who's naughty or nice so I can sentence them on judgement day! I not only have to know what they do and say, I also have to read their minds to know what they're thinking! If some guy sees a pretty girl and thinks "I'd like to lay her" that's fornication and is equivalent to rape! I have to be at every dining table to make sure people are eating Kosher, Halal, no meat on Friday etc. Every time you have sex I have to get in bed with you to make sure you aren't using contraceptives! I envy the NSA, all they have to do is listen to telephone calls!
Me: Don't the Priests listen to confessions? Maybe they can help you gather this information.
God: Damn the priests! They're not only no help, they've turned my Church into a pedophilic cess pool! I would rather make surveillance on 20 laymen than on one Priest!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#4 Postby VINDICATOR » January 3rd, 2017, 2:17 pm

Joke4: Satan's Bakery
In our town there are 3 bakeries, "God's", "Satan's", and "Everybody welcomed" which is mine. They all sell wedding cakes, but God's will only put traditional decorations on it, no LGBT tolerated! One day a customer came into my bakery grumbling about those two bakeries. He asked me if I could put 2 gays on a wedding cake for decoration, I assured him he could have anything he wanted. I said "Satan doesn't have restrictions on LGBT, why didn't you get one there?" He said "Satan is too nosey, he asked me if I was a Christian. I said no, I belong to the Satanic Temple. I thought that would get me a discount." However, that made Satan very angry. He said "The Satanic Temple doesn't worship me. They are taking my name in vain which is breaking the Satanic Ten Commandments! When they die they are not permitted to go to my Hades! Now get out!" That made me laugh. I said I have only One Commandment, That is "Abide by the Golden Rule!" Your cake will be ready for you in 2 hours!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#5 Postby VINDICATOR » January 8th, 2017, 9:23 pm

joke 5: Who is a cannibal?
One day I met my Pastafarian friend and he was chuckling to himself. I said "Hey Pasti, tell me what's so funny so I can get a laugh too!" Here's what he told me:

A Catholic was just making fun of my Pastafarian religion but I put him in his place. Here's our conversation:
Catty: You worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster so every time you eat noodles you are eating your God! That makes you a cannibal!
Pasti: People that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! Every time you take Communion, the bread and wine that you eat turns into Jesus' flesh and blood when you swallow it! That's called "transubstantiation"! You Catholics are the real cannibals!

VINDICATOR
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Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#6 Postby VINDICATOR » January 12th, 2017, 1:27 pm

Doesn't anyone have a joke to put here? Where's your sense of humor? How about some jokes about the Atheists? They do a lot of funny things too! I have some jokes about Satan but I want to hear your joke first!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#7 Postby VINDICATOR » January 13th, 2017, 1:33 pm

joke 6: The reason for the Great Flood
Was Jesus God's "only begotten son"? Of course not! God had oodles of sons called "Nephilim"! God made a law that all angels had to practise celibacy. So all the girls in Heaven were his prey! He put them all in his Harem! Some of the Angels were discontented. So some brave angels made a petition to change the law and allow them to lay girls too. They elected Lucifer to be their spokesman. They lost, of course, and God banished Lucifer from Heaven so he found a place called Hades to settle down and welcomes others who have lost the grace of God!
The Nephilim weren't allowed to lay the girls in heaven either. They had to come to Earth to find girls. (It's all there in Genesis, look it up without cherry-picking!) All their sexual orgies angered God who blamed it all on the humans. As punishment God wiped out the whole human race in a Great Flood! (Except for 8 Jews to repopulate the World of course)
And that is the reason why God was so furious that he murdered hundreds of millions of people including women and children and babies born and unborn!!!

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#8 Postby animist » January 14th, 2017, 12:34 am

VINDICATOR wrote:Doesn't anyone have a joke to put here? Where's your sense of humor? How about some jokes about the Atheists? They do a lot of funny things too! I have some jokes about Satan but I want to hear your joke first!
I think that there are lots of jokes, including religious ones, on other threads, eg "Once You've Had a Deity"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#9 Postby VINDICATOR » January 16th, 2017, 12:58 pm

joke7: Why did God create the universe?
A lot of time and energy is spent on trying to prove that God created the universe. However,, I think it's more important to ask WHY God created the universe.
To answer this question you need to understand the psychology of God. Thomas Jefferson said that “God is JEALOUS, (he said so himself) CRUEL (he punishes people with eternal torture in hell. The Bill of Rights forbids the use of this "cruel and unusual punishment"!) PETTY, VINDICTIVE, etc. However, I think that God's chief defect is his SUPER NARCISSISM! He created the World with it's billions of people just to worship him! The whole universe with it's trillions of Earths each populated with innumerable sentients was created to worship himself! When a Muslim postrates himself with his belly to the ground 5 times a day that makes Allah wring his hands in glee! Every time a Christian bows his head in prayer of submission God smiles thinking: "I didn't create you in vain!"
It's only the Atheists who stand up for the dignity of the human race!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#10 Postby VINDICATOR » January 17th, 2017, 1:31 pm

joke 8: Satan loves us more than God!
One day I came across my friend Lucifer and saw him crying. I took him in my arms and said "Poor Lucy, what are you crying about? Tell me and I'll empathize with you!" then he started to bawl like a babe in my arms and this is what he said:
I have done so much for the humans, but they don't realize it because God is very unjust to me and vilifies me all the time. All the evil he does himself he blames on me. When I do something good God says it is bad. When he does something evil he calls it good!
Here's an example. God created man with no knowledge of sex. Imagine how boring life would be without sex! Sex knowledge could only be gotten by eating the "forbidden fruit". I felt sorry for Adam and Eve living in celibacy, so I introduced them to the forbidden fruit. Now all human beings can enjoy sex and should thank me. Without me, everyone would live in celibacy. Children would have to be made from ribs by surgery! God punished me for it. He calls it original sin! Nobody has ever thanked me for my service to mankind! Booo Hooo,
Here's another example. God made a Great Flood that murdered the whole human race, including millions of innocent people. I tried to disuade him but he wouldn't listen to me. He tried to blame that on me too, saying that I made the people evil!
Then I said "Lucy, why don't you post your whole story on the Forum at Think Humanism? I'm sure you will find empathy there!"
Lucifer wiped away a tear and said "A good idea, I'll think about it!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#11 Postby VINDICATOR » January 23rd, 2017, 12:29 am

joke 9:Jesus was a bastard!
There is much filth in the Bible which can't be swept under the rug. According to the Bible, when Jesus was conceived, his mother Mary was an unmarried virgin. This, of course, makes Jesus a bastard! In those days this was considered a sin called fornication and even if the mother was a victim of rape, she should be stoned to death! Actually, Jesus was the son of a Roman soldier Panthera who raped Mary. In order to save Mary's life they concocted this fairy tale of "immaculate conception"! Because of this fairy tale, billions of people worship a bastard!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#12 Postby VINDICATOR » January 23rd, 2017, 12:43 am

joke 10: Lets clone Jesus and solve the riddle!
If we can get a sample of Jesus' blood we can decipher his genetic DNA and clone him! This shouldn't be too difficult because of his bloody death. Then there is the "Shroud of Turin" with plenty of his blood stains. Maybe his "Second Coming" is waiting for his clone! But that's not all, by subtracting Mary's DNA we could get God's DNA then we could even clone God! Then we can proudly say: "Man created God!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#13 Postby VINDICATOR » February 17th, 2017, 1:00 pm

joke 11: Unjolly Santa Claus!
The other day I took a trip to the North pole to see my pal Santa Claus. His toy shop was very busy but he had just taken a break and was sitting there in a funk. I sat beside him but he didn't seem to notice me so I nudged him and said: "You make all the children in the World happy. Why can't you be happy yourself?"
He forced a grin and said: "I work so hard to make people happy, yet they don't thank me. Nobody appreciates me, sigh!"
I said: "Children love you, I did too when I was a child."
Santa said: "Yeh, but when they get a little older they're told that I don't exist!"
I said: "That's because your sled flies in the sky which is magic so you are classified as a fairy tale."
Santa said: "There are at least 100 instances of such magic in the bible but 2 billion people believe that it's true. For instance Moses can open and shut the Red Sea just as easily as I can turn my tap on and off. Moses turned all the water in the Nile into blood so that the Egyptians had no water to drink! etc. etc. :wink: :wink: If they can believe all that crap, why can't thet believe that my sled can fly?"
I said: "Someday nobody will believe in the Bible any more, But children will believe in you till the end of time. Cheer up!"
Santa brightened up immediately and said: "You are a gifted cheer-maker, almost as good as I am! Pick out any toys you want, how about some video-games? Come and see me more often!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#14 Postby VINDICATOR » February 20th, 2017, 11:50 am

joke 12: Poor Jesus
One day I went over to see my pal Jesus. He didn't seem to be very happy so I asked him why was he so melancholy. This is what he told me:
Jesus: "Everybody misunderstands me. They seem to be worshipping me while actually they are using me for their nefarious purposes. The Churches use me to amass huge fortunes. There are a thousand tons of gold bullion in the Vatican cellars. (That's why they have such a high wall around the Vatican) Recently the media has exposed what they call "The 10 Mega-Pastors". One of them, the Bishop T. D. Jakes, makes $147 million per year! He earns more in one day than I earned in my whole lifetime!"
Me: "Didn't you say something about the eye of a needle?"
Jesus: "The needle would have to be the size of The Eiffel Tower for them to get through the eye! Blessed are the poor!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#15 Postby VINDICATOR » February 21st, 2017, 2:00 pm

joke 13: The Latter Day Apostle
The other day I came across Jesus again. This time he was reading the Bible and muttering under his breath. I asked him what was the trouble this time? This is what he told me.
Jesus: "I spent many years roaming the Earth learning how to raise human morality. The greatest thing I learned is The Golden Rule and I preached it wherever I went. (See the Chapter on The Golden Rule on this website) However, those that wrote the Bible filled it up with magic! There are hundreds of examples of magic in the Bible such as stopping the sun in the sky for a whole day! (preposterous!) No wonder Einstein called it "a book of fairy tales"! They even made me into a magician. They said I could walk on water, change water into wine, raise the dead to life, etc. I am not a magician, I am a moral educator. 300 years ago I decided to find a man to put things straight. I showed him how to delete all the magic from the Bible and rewrite it to retain only the morality. We agreed to call it "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth". The man was Thomas Jefferson, my latter day Apostle.This is all true. Google it up! Better yet, get a copy from Amazon. People cursed him for an Atheist, but he said "I am a sect by myself"! It's too bad that this real Bible is not respected because the entrenched religions are afraid people will leave their church. What do you think I should do? Will you be my Apostle too?"
I said: "My sympathies are all with you. If a genious like Jefferson couldn't solve your problem how could I? Take heart. The way mankind is going now, one day in the not too distant future your dream will be realized!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#16 Postby VINDICATOR » February 22nd, 2017, 1:16 pm

joke 14: God negates himself.
One day I came across God and this is our discussion:
Me: "Goddy, why are you so cagey? Come show yourself and prove that you exist!"
God: "I refuse to prove that I exist, for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing!" I give people the opportunity to believe in me by faith alone. That's called the power of faith!"
Me; "But according to Christians, man is too wonderful to have happened by accident (evolution) so the appearanceof man proves the existence of God! Therefore, by your own argument, you don't exist!"
God: "Oh dear! I hadn't thought of that!"
Then God promptly vanished in a puff of logic!
:hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#17 Postby VINDICATOR » February 23rd, 2017, 3:09 pm

joke 15: Edward Jenner vindicates the Christian church.
The other day I came across my Christian friend who had a frown on his face. I asked him what was the matter? He said:
"You Atheists keep attacking us Christians as if we were criminals."
I said: "Some Atheists are too "Evangelical". Actually we are friends because we have a common goal which is to make the World a better place. Let me tell you a story to show you what I mean.
Small pox killed more people than any other disease in history. When Edward Jenner found the cure for small pox, he saved at least 100 million lives. What was the cure? He discovered that anyone with a disease called “cow pox" was immune to small pox. You just had to vaccinate a person with cow pox, which is a non-lethal disease, to make him immune to the deadly small pox!
Now Modern Christianity is like cow pox, and all the other religions, such as Islam, are lethal diseases. (When I say Modern Christianity I mean the post Inquisition post witch-hunt religion). I am a realist. I realize that due to human weakness, most people can't live without religion. Religion will be with us for Centuries yet. Modern Christianity is just about the best religion you can find today. If it weren't for Christianity, those evil cults like Boko Haram, ISIS, Taliban, Alqaeda, etc. would fill in the vacuum.
Don't curse the Europeans for conquoring the Americas. The Aztec religion they replaced was much worse. The Aztecs would sacrifice hundreds of people at a time by cutting out their hearts. They believed that the screaming of the victims would please their god Huitzilopochtli so he would give them bountiful harvests! Moreover, we should thank God (sic) that it was the Christians that colonized the Americas and not the Muslims. If Americana was colonized by the Muslims then the whole western hemisphere would be a hell-hole like the Middle East is today!
So you see, The Christian Church is a necessity! Christians should be proud of it! The next time someone says you are all bad let them read my post here. Atheists make mistakes too!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#18 Postby VINDICATOR » February 24th, 2017, 7:09 pm

joke 16: How a maid should ask for a raise. (non religious joke)
maid: "You should give me a raise."
madam: "Why?"
maid: "There are 3 reasons."
madam: What are they?"
maid: First of all, I iron better than you."
madam: "Nonsense, who said that?"
maid: "Your husband."
madam: "Oh yeah?"
maid: "The second reason is I cook better than you do."
madam: (starting to tremble) "And who said that?"
maid: "Your husband of course."
madam: (very agitated) "Oh he did, did he! And what is the third reason?"
maid: The third reason is that I'm better than you are in bed!"
madam: (now boiling mad and with gritted teeth) Did my husband say that as well?"
maid: "No madam, the gardener said that!"
madam: "------------------(with mouth open) How much do you want?"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#19 Postby VINDICATOR » February 25th, 2017, 10:38 am

joke 17: A priest on vacation.
A priest was going on a vacation and wanted to to be free with nobody knowing he was a clergy. He would go to Hawaii incognito, so when he got there he bought some outrageous tourist garb. The next morning he was enjoying the sunshine and sea when a drop-dead gorgeous topless blond came his way and his eyeballs amost dropped out. As she passed him by she smiled and said "Good morning Father"! The priest was stunned. He went and bought some even more outrageous tourist garb and huge dark glasses. The next morning he went in his new camouflage and was sitting there soaking up the sunshine again when the same gorgeous topless blond came by again and said "Good morning Father"! He gasped and said "Wait a minute young lady. How in the world did you know I'm a priest dressed as I am?" She looked at him in surprise and said: "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 264
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#20 Postby VINDICATOR » February 26th, 2017, 12:52 pm

joke 18: The price of a dead horse.
A man bought a horse from a farmer for $250 who promised to deliver the next day. This is their conversation the next day.
farmer: "I'm sorry but the horse died last night. Here it is."
man: "Return me the $250 I gave you."
farmer: "I'm sorry but I spent the money already."
man: "Alright. Leave it here."
Some time later, the farmer asked the man what he did with the dead horse.
man: "I raffled it off at $5 a ticket and sold 101 tickets.
farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
man: "Just the guy who won, so I returned him the $5. That means I made $500. By the way, you still owe me $250!"
:laughter: :laughter:


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