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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
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Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#181 Postby VINDICATOR » October 12th, 2017, 9:47 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

Now I'll tell you about my "God":
If you were an artist and you created a wonderful magnificent work of art, would you hide it away or would you put it on display and invite masses of appreciative people to enjoy it and congratulate you? Our universe is such an amazing magnificent work of art that it would be a shame if there was no one to appreciate it. If it were created by a "God", then he/she/it/etc. created all those solar systems with "people" on them to enjoy the wonders of the universe and congratulate and thank "God"! "God" doesn't want us to worship him. "God" doesn't reward us with heaven or punish us with hell. "God" just wants us to appreciate the wonderful magnificent Cosmos he made! We don't have to buy a ticket, "God" gave us this Cosmos for free! My "God" is not narcissistic, selfish, wicked, cruel, mean, vindictive, narrow minded, idiotic etc. like all those other false gods. At the very most, "God" just wants us to thank him. How do we thank "God"? The way Einstein put it is by "striving for morality in our actions". Now thank "God" everybody!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#182 Postby VINDICATOR » October 19th, 2017, 1:33 pm

Some more on my "God":
The God of Abraham had to draw up a "Ten Commandments" to tell you what to do or not to do, but people are always breaking these "Laws". My God formulated the immutable Laws of Nature that nobody can break no matter how hard you try to! The God of Abraham got a bunch of bronze age nomads to write his Bible which any sensible person can see is just a book of fairy tales. My God's Bible was written out by scientists. The greatest writers of this Bible are Isaac Newton who wrote the chapter "Philosophie Naturalis Principia Mathematica" And Einstein who wrote the chapter "Relativity Theory".

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#183 Postby animist » October 19th, 2017, 1:43 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Now I'll tell you about my "God":
If you were an artist and you created a wonderful magnificent work of art, would you hide it away or would you put it on display and invite masses of appreciative people to enjoy it and congratulate you? Our universe is such an amazing magnificent work of art that it would be a shame if there was no one to appreciate it. If it were created by a "God", then he/she/it/etc. created all those solar systems with "people" on them to enjoy the wonders of the universe and congratulate and thank "God"! "God" doesn't want us to worship him. "God" doesn't reward us with heaven or punish us with hell. "God" just wants us to appreciate the wonderful magnificent Cosmos he made! We don't have to buy a ticket, "God" gave us this Cosmos for free! My "God" is not narcissistic, selfish, wicked, cruel, mean, vindictive, narrow minded, idiotic etc. like all those other false gods. At the very most, "God" just wants us to thank him. How do we thank "God"? The way Einstein put it is by "striving for morality in our actions". Now thank "God" everybody!
it is a noble vision which does you proud, Vinnie, and anyone would want to be associated with Einstein. It does IMO make you a theist of the best type. I fear that I don't share your view of the universe as wonderful, though in some way it is wonderful of course - suppose we never saw anything outside our windows but the dark! Trouble is, if there is a wonderful god, why did it create the nasty and ignoble things as well as the grand ones?

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#184 Postby VINDICATOR » October 19th, 2017, 2:15 pm

Dear animist,
No, I am not a Theist. As I said I am an agnostic or a Pantheist because I can't prove whether there is a God or not. However, IF there is a God, "He" would not be anything like the ordinary Gods that people worship, such as the God of Abraham or Allah who were obviously CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF MAN. This true "God" would be unfathomable to us. We could no more understand him than an ant could understand us!

Btw, why do I have to log in every time I make a post?

VINDICATOR
Posts: 268
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#185 Postby VINDICATOR » October 22nd, 2017, 3:41 pm

Another Giant!

The other day I met another old friend, Galileo. This is our conversation:

Galileo: Hey Vinny, What are you so busy about that you have no time to visit me? Don't forget that I'm one of those "Giants" whose shoulders Newton and Einstein stood on so they could see so far into the mysteries of the Cosmos.

Me: Mia culpa! I know that you are one of the first great minds to really understand the Language of the Cosmos. You made many great contributions to the method of advancement of knowledge of the Cosmos. First is experiment and observation. Not only observation of earthly activities but also using a telescope to unlock the secrets of the Cosmos. You discovered that the Milky Way is an immense mass of stars and not just a mist. You deducted the mathematical laws of motion of a falling body. In one experiment, you dropped 2 balls,one heavy and one light, from the Leaning Tower of Pisa, to prove that all things fall at the same speed and acceleration--

Galileo: Stop! You have fallen for a myth, I didn't do that experiment, the chamber of commerce concocted that story to attract more tourists to Pisa. There is no need to perform that experiment. Like Einstein and Relativity, I proved that by logic and not experiment. It's very simple: If the lighter ball drops slower than the heavier one, then when you attach them together, the lighter one would hold back the heavy one so the composite should fall slower than the heavy one alone! But the composite is heavier than the heavy ball so it should fall faster than the heavy one alone! The only solution to this contradiction is to agree that they all fall with the same speed and acceleration! And that is the power of logic, one of the fundamental laws of nature. We are very lucky to be in a universe ruled by logic! Otherwise everything would be screwed up!

Me: Some people, like the American Taliban, hate logic. You can't even have a reasonable discussion with them!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#186 Postby VINDICATOR » October 25th, 2017, 2:47 pm

Dear animist,
I just reread your post of Oct. 19 where you said you "never saw anything outside our windows but the dark". I think that your problem is "light pollution". I suggest that you take a trip far away from the city lights some clear night and look up and see the Milky Way, Andromeda Nebula, etc. You will be transfigured! Otherwise you can buy some copies of Astronomy magazines which have many color photos of the Cosmos taken through a telescope. Have you ever seen "The Pillars of Creation" taken through the Hubble telescope? That one photo is worth a thousand words!Try to get your children interested in astronomy. You/they won't regret it!
:)

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#187 Postby VINDICATOR » November 7th, 2017, 2:37 pm

MarkTwaine the Philosopher:
The other day I came across Mark Twaine and we exchanged views.
Me: Hi, Mark, I just heard one of your famous quotes the other day. You said: "I do not fear death. I had been dead billions of years before I was born, and I had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it!" You are the most down-to-Earth Philosopher that I know. Give me some back ground to your quote.
Mark: (With a twinkle in his eye) One of the reasons that religion is so tenacious is that people are afraid of dying. Some religions like Buddhism or Hinduism say that your soul is eternal and never dies. When your body dies then your soul will be reincarnated into another body just as you have been reincarnated from someone else in the past! If you don't behave yourself in this life you might even be reincarnated into a dog or a pig!
Me: Wow, so that's how they make believers behave themselves. How about Christians?
Mark: Christians don't believe in a "before life" they only believe in an "after life". If they worship their God then they go to Heaven. If they don't worship their God then they go to Hell! We Atheists don't believe in all that hog-wash, when we die then we're just dead period, just the same as before we were born!

When we parted I kept wondering how the author of Tom Sawyer and Huckelberry Finn could be such a grand philosopher.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#188 Postby VINDICATOR » November 11th, 2017, 12:57 pm

Einstein said that "The Bible is just a book of fairy tales!"
This makes the Fundies mad.They claim that the Bible is an encyclopedia on science, history, geography, ethics, etc. and is 100% true! What is truth? When you encounter magic in a fairy tale, everyone knows that it is false. But when Fundies see magic in the Bible they call them "miracles" and deem they are true! The run of the mill Christians seldom notice them because they "cherry-pick" when they read the Bible, only seeing a few iconic verses like "The Lord is my Shepherd". I cherry-pick too when I read the Bible today, only I pick the sour, green or rotten cherries! That means those verses that command you to murder, that condone slavery, magic, etc. Today we will just review magic (miracles). I made a cursory tally on magic in the Bible and come up with the conclusion that the occurence of magic in the Bible is on a par with the occurence in Anderson or Grimm!
Some of the magic in the Bible is truly fearsome, such as Joshua stopping the sun in mid sky for a whole day! (see Jos 10:12-14) Note that the Bible says "stop the sun" and not "stop the Earth from spinning!" The writer of the Bible is obviously a "geocentric" proponent!
I'll treat you to some more Biblical magic in my next post!
:D

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#189 Postby VINDICATOR » November 12th, 2017, 12:47 pm

Bible Magic:
We have already had a discussion on a bit of the magic in Genesis on Creation and the Great Flood. Now let's see some of the magic in Exodus, just a sampling.
1-Moses had a magic wand. After an argument with Pharaoh Moses throws it on the ground and it turns into a snake. Pharaoh then calls out his magicians who throw their magic wans on the ground and they all turn into snakes too. But Moses' snake eats up all of the Pharoah's snakes so Moses wins the argument!
2-Moses turned all the millions of tons of water in the Nile into blood and the Egyptians were without water to drink for 7 days!
3-Moses created a great hord of frogs that covered all the land in Egypt!
4-Aaron hit the ground with his magic wand and all the dust in Egypt turned into lice so that everything was covered with lice!
5-Moses created huge swarms of flies that covered all of Egypt!
6-Moses creates huge swarms of locusts that eat up all the vegetation in Egypt including trees!
This is just a very small sampling, there is plenty more. In my next posts I'll just introduce afew of the most interesting examples.
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#190 Postby VINDICATOR » November 13th, 2017, 11:51 am

Yesterday I gave you a sampling of magic from only several pages of the Bible. Imagine how much magic you could find in the several hundred pages of the complete Bible! What's hilarious is that the Fundies think that it's all true! When Einstein was only a child he realized that the Bible was just a book of fairy tales. Any sensible person should arrive at that conclusion too. When did you realize that? I was indoctrinated by the Bible when I was young and it took me dozens of years to realize that I had been duped! That shows how powerful religious indoctrination is! that's enough. If you want to find more magic in the Bible look it up yourself!
Today I'll treat you to an ancient Chinese joke.

The Magic Bottle.
There was a rich but stingy old man who was very hard on his servants.
One day he gave an empty bottle to a servant saying, "Buy me a bottle of wine."
The servant asked, "How can I buy wine with no money?"
The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."
After a while the servant returned with the bottle. He handed the bottle to his master and said, "Enjoy the wine please."
The rich man looked at the empty bottle and said, "How can I enjoy the wine if the bottle is empty?"
The servant replied, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none!"
The rich man stood there with his mouth open for a long time unable to find words to say!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#191 Postby VINDICATOR » November 14th, 2017, 1:38 pm

Thanksgiving is just around the corner so we should have some Thanksgiving humor. Do you British celebrate Thanksgiving? Maybe you're thankful for getting rid of that bunch of trouble making Fundies called the "Pilgrims"! Below is a list of Thanksgiving questions. See how many you can answer.

1-If April Showers bring May flowers, then What do Mayflowers bring?
2-What should you wear to dinner?
3-Why did the turkey cross the road?
4-What smells best at dinner?
5-What Key won't open any door?
6-If you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter what do you get?
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:
If you can answer half of these questions, then I will give you some more.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#192 Postby VINDICATOR » November 15th, 2017, 12:59 pm

Can't anyone answer the questions? Here's some help. The answer to #3 is: The turkey crossed the road because the chicken was on vacation! Now you do the rest.

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#193 Postby VINDICATOR » November 16th, 2017, 11:36 am

No answers yet?
Here is the answer to #6: When you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter you get pumpkin pi of course!
Now give me a few answers and I'll give you some more questions.

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#194 Postby animist » November 16th, 2017, 2:49 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:No answers yet?
Here is the answer to #6: When you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter you get pumpkin pi of course!
Now give me a few answers and I'll give you some more questions.
:laughter: sorry, we are a lot of lazy Limeys, but keep up the posts anyway!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#195 Postby VINDICATOR » November 17th, 2017, 11:23 am

Dear animist,
No, I don't think you're all lazy at all. Its probably because you British haven't much interest in Thanksgiving. Aside from Xmas, what are your favorite holidays? Is it the Queens birthday? Do you have any jokes on that? Look at the humor they are treating the Potus to in the US!
Here are the rest of my questions on Thanksgiving. I'll give you the answers next week. See if you can answer a couple first.

7-Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
8-What is the most musical part of a turkey?
9-If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be famous for?
:) :) :)

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#196 Postby animist » November 17th, 2017, 12:48 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Dear animist,
No, I don't think you're all lazy at all. Its probably because you British haven't much interest in Thanksgiving. Aside from Xmas, what are your favorite holidays? Is it the Queens birthday? Do you have any jokes on that? Look at the humor they are treating the Potus to in the US!
Here are the rest of my questions on Thanksgiving. I'll give you the answers next week. See if you can answer a couple first.

7-Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
8-What is the most musical part of a turkey?
9-If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be famous for?
:) :) :)
I can only answer the last question for now. If the Pilgrims were alive today, they would be INCREDIBLY famous for being alive today :laughter:. Re the query about holidays, well, as a pensioner, all my days are now holidays, and I think that youngsters should be forced to work 365 days a year in order to support me (only joking). No, I don't think we celebrate Quinky's DOB. Nigel Farage (heard of him?) wants us to celebrate the day (23/6/16, or as you Yanks would confusingly say, 6/23/16) when our stupidity led us to attempt to Brexit, but I think this will be remembered with great embarrassment in years to come. We do celebrate a sort of labour day in May in addition to the religious holidays and a couple of others. IMO, a Thanksgiving Day should be instituted here on the day that Brexit is nullified!

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#197 Postby VINDICATOR » November 17th, 2017, 1:27 pm

Thanks, animist. Yes, if the Pilgrims were alive today they would be over 400 years old which would be a miracle today! however, in comparison with those people in the Bible who lived 900 years or more, they would be in the prime of life. Noah and his sons populated the whole world when they were 600/500 years old!
I hear that Brexit is going to cost you hundreds of billions of pounds! Why don't you just fight your way out like the American colonies did? I still think Washington made a mistake. We should have stuck together as one nation. Do you remember Churchils quote: "The US and England are two great nations separated by a common language!"
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#198 Postby animist » November 17th, 2017, 3:10 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Thanks, animist. Yes, if the Pilgrims were alive today they would be over 400 years old which would be a miracle today! however, in comparison with those people in the Bible who lived 900 years or more, they would be in the prime of life. Noah and his sons populated the whole world when they were 600/500 years old!
I hear that Brexit is going to cost you hundreds of billions of pounds! Why don't you just fight your way out like the American colonies did? I still think Washington made a mistake. We should have stuck together as one nation. Do you remember Churchils quote: "The US and England are two great nations separated by a common language!"
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

:D

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#199 Postby VINDICATOR » November 18th, 2017, 12:29 pm

Correction. Churchill's quote was: "The US and Britain are two great nations DIVIDED by a common language." My opinion is that they never should have divided in the first place!
My favorite Churchill quote is: "I like to quote myself, it adds spice to the conversation!"

I heard that Churchill's grandma was an American indian. Is that true?
:) :) :)

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#200 Postby animist » November 18th, 2017, 2:05 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Correction. Churchill's quote was: "The US and Britain are two great nations DIVIDED by a common language." My opinion is that they never should have divided in the first place!
My favorite Churchill quote is: "I like to quote myself, it adds spice to the conversation!"

I heard that Churchill's grandma was an American indian. Is that true?
:) :) :)

I had never heard this before, but thanks for mentioning it. Churchill was a great man, if not necessarily a good man, and both sides in the current Brexit debate like to claim his words as support. Anyway, I will for now just post this piece below, which I assume comes from some Churchill descendant, Winston S. Churchill. Seems that Jenny Jerome, his (ie WInny's) mum, was rumoured to have Iroquois blood, maybe no more than that. We are all mixed up genetically, and I personally have no great interest in my own ancestry - if the great Winston Churchill had fathered me it would not make me any better than I am. BTW, my own family members were miners in the Forest of Dean and were socialists fiercely hostile to Churchill; they refused to contribute to some memorial fund to the Great Man when he died in 1965.

Always good to talk to you, Vinny, and I hope you find this interesting.

https://www.winstonchurchill.org/resour ... -heritage/

VINDICATOR
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#201 Postby VINDICATOR » November 19th, 2017, 2:34 am

Hi, animist,
No man is perfect, Confucious, Jesus, you, me, we all have defects. Churchill is no exception, However, I honor him for his staunch resistance to Hitler. I also appreciate his quotes! Thomas Jefferson was the father of secularism, but he was also a slave owner! There is no evidence that wisdom, greatness (or evilness) can be transmitted thru the genes. Where are the offspring of heros or geniuses? Einstein was a genius, where are his children? Where are Churchill's children? Don't forget that our genes are 90% the same as an ant's! Our nearest cousins are the monkies! Everyone is on his own! Our offspring don't inherit anything but the ability to learn. Animals don,t have to learn very much, they can do everything by instinct. Man is great because he has the ability to learn, and has curiosity! Have you ever seen the Milky Way in a really dark sky? It will transfigure you!


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