INFORMATION

This website uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some of these cookies are essential to make our site work and others help us to improve by giving us some insight into how the site is being used. For further information, see our Privacy Policy.

God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
Message
Author
VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#41 Postby VINDICATOR » March 29th, 2017, 12:38 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

joke37: Noah's Ark. Episode 4. The grandest project in human history!
I already left out half the problems that had to be solved, such as: Where did Noah get the 10,000 slaves to do the job? How did he acquire and preserve the thousands of tons of food needed to eat for dozens of years? Where did he get the huge fleet of ships needed for the three great expeditions to all the corners of the Earth? Who would take care of all the thousands of animals on the Ark? (Feeding them, cleaning out their poop, curing them when they got sick, keeping them amused so they wouldn't tear the Ark apart, etc.) Now for the final question!
According to the Bible, there were only 8 people on the Ark, all were Jews/semitics. Obviously, their descendents would be too. Everyone else was killed in the Flood! Then those African Blacks, Asian Yellows, Caucasion whites, American Reds, etc. races that we see today, WHERE DID THEY COME FROM!!
I can think of 3 scenarios. However, they all stink!
Scenario 1: They are all descendants of Noah, it's the result of evolution! Theists say no! they don't believe in evolution. Atheists say no too. A change like that would take hundreds of thousands of years, not a measly 4000 years!
Scenario 2: The Jews were "God's Chosen People". All the other races weren't people, they were animals! So each race could have 7 pairs on the Ark to spawn their descendants! (That means God is a racist!)
Scenario 3: The extraterrestrials brought them here! (I think Scientology says we were all brought here by the extraterrestrials, that means they were right!)
Now dear reader, if you have a different scenario please share it with us here! You might get a Noble (sic) Prize!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#42 Postby VINDICATOR » March 31st, 2017, 12:24 pm

joke38:
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out uf his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a while, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, he saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed to the parrot.
"Yep" the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses,“ replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus!"
(Rottweiller, a vicious breed of dog)
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#43 Postby VINDICATOR » April 1st, 2017, 2:19 pm

Joke 39: Judgement day!
Last night I lay in bed trying to think of another joke to keep my friends here amused when someone started knocking on my door. I got up and opened the door and was startled to see God and a bunch of funny-looking beasties like the red dragon with seven heads etc.
God said, "You have been making fun of me and now your day of reconning has arrived. We're going to take you to the bottomless pit where you will have an eternity in torture to repent for your sins!"
I said, "I didn't make up anything, I was just exposing the immoral idiotic things you did! It's you who should repent!"
God said to his gangsters, “Tie him up and take him away!”
While they were just about ready to grab me I heard a "bell" ringing. Actually it was my alarm clock going off. I murmurred, "Saved by the bell!" I just happened to look at the calander, it said that today is April First!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#44 Postby VINDICATOR » April 2nd, 2017, 4:04 pm

joke40: My Near Death Experience NDE.
I have recently discovered that the most popular way for the Evangelists to prove the existence of Heaven is through NDE. They have collected hundreds of cases of NDE Where they come back from the dead and tell how wonderful is the Heaven they saw. In order to get first-hand evidence, I decided that I would have an NDE too. Then I rigged up a situation where I would be dead for about an hour. This is my NDE:
First I visited Heaven. I saw that there were no men or women, there were only angels, you lose your sex when you get to Heaven. Everyone was playing a harp and singing Hossanahs 24 hours a day. There is no other activity!
Then I made a tour of Hades. I saw that they were having a grand party feasting and drinking and and dancing and making merry. I was amazed!
I made my way over to Lucifer and said, "I thought everyone here was burning in torture. How come?"
He guffawed and said, "You've fallen for God's Propaganda. My Hades is in 2 sections. This section is for those who have done no wrong but have aggravated God. Another section is for the really bad ones. We punish them by letting them see how wonderful it is here but aren't allowed to participate! After they have served their sentence and have repented, then they can come to this section."
I said, "Why don't you do some propaganda too and let people know the truth?'
Lucifer said, "No. Then it would be too crowded here. Let God have his spoil-sports!"
So, my dear friend, where do you want to go?
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#45 Postby VINDICATOR » April 3rd, 2017, 2:21 pm

joke 41: The smiling Jew.
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl,/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He shouts over to the bartender, "Drinks on me for everyone here except that Jew over there."
When the drinks have been all handed out , the Jew smiles at him and says, "Thank you."
This happens three times, each time the Jew says "thank you" with a smile.
This makes the Arab furious and he asks the bartender: "What the hell is the matter with that Jew over there? Is he nuts?"
The bartender replies: "Nope. He owns this place!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#46 Postby VINDICATOR » April 4th, 2017, 2:07 pm

joke 42: Granny learns how to operate the computer.
Granny saw how much fun the kids were having on the computer, so she decided to try her hand too. She got an instruction manual and painstakingly started to get aquainted with the computer. She was very quiet for some time so I looked over to see how she was getting on. I saw her searching the keyboard with a magnifying glass. I asked her if she needed any help.
She said, "There is something wrong with this keyboard. I have searched it for 20 minutes but I can't find the "any" key!”
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#47 Postby VINDICATOR » April 9th, 2017, 12:56 pm

joke 43: Did Confucius say that?
I just got an email from Confucius telling me to beware of false quotes attributed to him. He seemed to be more amused than angry. He sent me a short list of some of the "quotes" and here they are:
1--Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
2--Passionae kiss, like spiderweb, leads to undoing of fly.
3--Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
4--Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will find no nuts.
5--Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
6--Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
7--Man who eats too many prunes gets good run for his money.
Conny said that they were still coming in and he would send me another batch later.
Btw, That list of Confucius quotes in the Quotations section is real. So I didn't put it in this "joke" section to prevent misunderstanding.
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#48 Postby VINDICATOR » April 10th, 2017, 2:10 pm

joke 44: Something else Confucius told me to tell you that he didn't say.
8--War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left!
9--Man who fight with wife all day will get no piece at night.
10-It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
11-Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
12-Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
13-Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Confucius says that all are garbage except No. 8.

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#49 Postby VINDICATOR » April 12th, 2017, 11:59 am

joke 45: The "friendly" old geezer.
The Minister was just finishing his sermon on "Forgive your enemies" and he asked the congregation, "Now can you forgive your enemies?" and everyone except on old geezer raised his hand. The Minister asked the old man, "How old are you and why don't you forgive your enemies?"
The old man struggled to his feet and said, "I'm 98 years old and I don't have any enemies."
The congregation all clapped their hands. The Minister said, "Will you come to the front and tell us how you can live to 98 and not have any enemies?"
The old geezer toddled to the front and said, "I outlived all the sons of bitches!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#50 Postby VINDICATOR » April 14th, 2017, 2:18 pm

joke 46: "Good" Friday.
I met my Fundy (fundamentalist) friend today and just for the fun of it asked him why they called it "Good" Friday. This is our conversation:
Me: Hi! Happy Good Friday!
Fundy: "jesus died today and you're happy?"
Me: "If Jesus died today why do you call it Good?"
Fundy: "Jesus died to save our souls, was buried 3 days and then came to life again on the day we call Easter."
Me: "Easter is a scam. Jesus didn't die. He went from the cross directly to heaven! The Bible says so."
Fundy: "You are slandering the Bible and Jesus. You are half way to hell already!"
Me: "That's the problem with you Fundies, You never read the Bible. Now turn to Luke 23. One of those criminals being crucified with Jesus asked Jesus to "remember me when you come into your kingdom." and Jesus replied to him, "today you will be with me in paradise." So you see, there is no 3 days in the grave! Easter is a scam! The Bible says so!"
Fundy: "-----------"
Me: "Even if it's a scam, the children love Easter, Easter bunny, and egg hunts. Long after the crucifiction is forgotten, children will still have fun at Easter just as they do at Christmas!"

User avatar
animist
Posts: 5487
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#51 Postby animist » April 16th, 2017, 10:18 am

Was Vlad the Impaler such a bad man? I'm rather on the fence over this

Thanks for this lot, Vinny. But if you listen to Confucius too much, you'll end up in Confusion

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#52 Postby VINDICATOR » April 16th, 2017, 2:54 pm

Hi Animist,
Now who was "Vlad the impaler"? Please enlighten.
Confucius lived 26 Centuries ago but many of his gems of wisdom are still valid today. His Golden Rule is just as important today as it was then. Of course he was not perfect. He had misogynistic tendancies, he wouldn't take any female students. He did not realize how bad feudalism was, he thought that he could reform it and make it good.
Btw, today is Easter. Why do we have "Easter Bunnies", "Easter Bonnets", "Easter Eggs", etc. Easter was probably stolen from the Pagans just like Christmas was stolen from the Pagans too!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#53 Postby VINDICATOR » April 17th, 2017, 12:35 pm

joke 47: The round trip.
An elderly couple just had dinner out and were now on their way home. They had been driving for about 40 minutes when the wife suddenly said, "I left my glasses on the table. We'll have to go back to get them."
On the way back the husband kept grumbling and deriding his wife all the time, but his wife was quiet. They finally made it back to the restaurant and the wife hurriedly opened the door and just as she stepped out of the car the man said, "While you're there, bring back my hat and credit card."
:hilarity: :hilarity:

User avatar
animist
Posts: 5487
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#54 Postby animist » April 17th, 2017, 1:20 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Hi Animist,
Now who was "Vlad the impaler"? Please enlighten.
Confucius lived 26 Centuries ago but many of his gems of wisdom are still valid today. His Golden Rule is just as important today as it was then. Of course he was not perfect. He had misogynistic tendancies, he wouldn't take any female students. He did not realize how bad feudalism was, he thought that he could reform it and make it good.
Btw, today is Easter. Why do we have "Easter Bunnies", "Easter Bonnets", "Easter Eggs", etc. Easter was probably stolen from the Pagans just like Christmas was stolen from the Pagans too!

Hi Vinny, Vlad Dracul was a notoriously sadistic ruler of the principality of Wallachia in the 15C; his speciality was the impaling of his victims (usually defeated Turks) onto stakes and gloating over their prolonged deaths. He is the inspiration for much of the Dracula mythology so prominent in popular culture of the 20C, though I don't think he practised vampirism

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#55 Postby VINDICATOR » April 18th, 2017, 12:45 pm

joke 48: Watch your grammar!
An elderly man found that his wife was becoming uninterested in sex with him and he realized that it was his fault due to erectile disfunction. He heard of an old medicine man who could solve his problem so he looked him up. The medicine man gave him a bottle of potion that could fix him up and told him that after drinking a spoonfull he must say 1-2-3, and that's it! But be careful, the medicine is very powerful, you will never have been so manly in your life and it never stops working. If you want the medicine to stop working your partner must say 1-2-3-4, and you can't take the potion again for a month.!
The next evening he was eager to see if the potion worked. He washed, shaved, took a spoonful of potion and invited his wife into the bedroom. When she came in, he said "1-2-3" and took off his clothes and became the most manliest of men! When his wife saw him, she frantically tore off her clothes and asked him, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentence with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 2978
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#56 Postby Tetenterre » April 19th, 2017, 4:50 pm

Steve

I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned. (Richard Feynman)

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#57 Postby VINDICATOR » April 20th, 2017, 1:41 pm

Hi Tetenterre,
Evidently Jesus should have taken the potion to rise on the third day, but he took too much so he rose on the first day. This played hobs on the whole religion because the resurrection is the fundamental basis of Christianity. Negating Easter will bring down the whole Church! Btw, which of the Pagan festivals was Easter swiped from?

joke 49: Be careful what you say when you're angry!
Six men are sitting at a table playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Jones loses $500 in a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. The others continue playing standing up. At the end of the game, one of them asks "Who is going to tell his wife?" They cut the deck and Tom lost and had to carry the news. They told him to be discrete and gentle. Tom told them that his middle name was "Discretion"and leave it to him.
Tom went over to Jones' condo and knocked at the door.
Jones' wife asked "What do you want?"
Tom answered, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
His wife yells "Tell him to drop dead!"
Tom says, "I'll go tell him."

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 2978
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#58 Postby Tetenterre » April 21st, 2017, 1:49 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:which of the Pagan festivals was Easter swiped from?
Most likely Ēosturmōnaþ ("the month of Ēostre"). Ēostre was a North European fertility deity.
Steve

I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned. (Richard Feynman)

VINDICATOR
Posts: 96
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#59 Postby VINDICATOR » April 23rd, 2017, 2:39 pm

Tetenterre,
I think you're right. Easter used to be a Celtic festival. Now tell us where the bunny, eggs, and bonnet came from.


Return to “Comedy Club”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest