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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#21 Postby VINDICATOR » February 26th, 2017, 12:52 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

joke 18: The price of a dead horse.
A man bought a horse from a farmer for $250 who promised to deliver the next day. This is their conversation the next day.
farmer: "I'm sorry but the horse died last night. Here it is."
man: "Return me the $250 I gave you."
farmer: "I'm sorry but I spent the money already."
man: "Alright. Leave it here."
Some time later, the farmer asked the man what he did with the dead horse.
man: "I raffled it off at $5 a ticket and sold 101 tickets.
farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
man: "Just the guy who won, so I returned him the $5. That means I made $500. By the way, you still owe me $250!"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#22 Postby VINDICATOR » March 2nd, 2017, 12:06 pm

joke 19: Kudos! LGBTQ
The other day I came across my gay pal who was sighing pathetically. I sat down beside him and tried to cheer him up. This is our conversation.
Me: "Cheer up. You LGBTQ are doing fine. Some day people will treat you the same way they treat a south-paw, ie. no difference at all!"
Gay: "Americans were given freedom of religion the first day, (First Ammendment). Then it took almost 90 years for slaves to get their freedom (Ammendment 13). It took 130 years for women to get the right to vote (Ammendment 19). When will they make an Ammendment guaranteeing us LGBTQ complete equality?"
Me: "Is that necessary? Except for buying wedding cake, you have all the freedom you need."
Gay: I want people to recognize our contribution to civilization! Did you ever hear of Alan Turing? He was a mathematical genious in England who cracked the the Nazi code in WWII. Because of him, WWII was shortened by at least 2 years and at least 14 million lives were saved! He was a gay, and the laws against gays at the time forced him to commit suicide! They should erect a statue of him in Traffalger Square! His contribution to victory is second only to Churchil!"
Me: "Yes, I agree."
Gay: "Gays also have many merits that straights don't."
Me: "For instance?"
Gay: "We never rape girls, That's all done by straights!"
Me: "I never thought of that!"
Gay: "We don't contribute to the run-away population explosion!"
Me: "I think you have a run-away eulogy explosion!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#23 Postby VINDICATOR » March 3rd, 2017, 8:16 am

joke 20: The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack--selling ties.
Theterrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel! I don't need an over-priced western adornment--I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have only ties--pure silk--only $5."
"A curse on you and your ties. I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you. I want water!"
"OK," said the little old Jew. “It doesnt matter to me that you don't buy my tie, hate me, curse me, threaten my life and call me infidel. If you continue over that hill for 2 miles you will find a restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,"They won't let me in without a tie!"
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#24 Postby VINDICATOR » March 5th, 2017, 1:57 pm

joke 21: Could you hear what the Priest said?
An elderly couple went to Church one Sunday. Half through the service the wife whispers in her husband's ear: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#25 Postby VINDICATOR » March 6th, 2017, 3:10 pm

joke 22:"I had it all!"
This morning I encountered a raggedy homeless man scrounging for food in a garbage can. I felt sorry for him so I stopped and had this conversation with him.
Me: "How did you end up in such a pathetic way? "
Him: "I wasn't always like this. Just up till last week I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet. I went to the pool, gym, library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debts. I even had full medical and dental coverage!"
Me: "Then what happened? Was it drugs? alcohol? divorce????"
Him: "Oh no, nothing like that. I just got out of prison!"
Me: (grumbling to myself: "So that's where my tax money went!")
:boohoo:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#26 Postby VINDICATOR » March 8th, 2017, 3:00 pm

joke 23: Confucius says--
While I was traveling around gathering news for this Forum, one day I came across Confucius' house and there he was in the doorway smiling at me.
He said: "Long time no see! Come in and have some tea with me."
I asked: "How did you know I would be coming today?"
He said: "I see "Think Humanism" on the internet too, and I knew you would be here to ask me some questions."
While we were having tea, he told me that the greatest enjoyment in his life was learning and teaching.
He said: "We don't know a thing when we come, someone has to teach us. Then we should use our wisdom to teach others."
I said: "You seem to know everything."
He said: "Impossible. See that farmer over there? He could write a book on farming and it would be all news to me! My friend Hippocrates said: "The life so short, the craft so long to learn---" ."
I said: "I heard that none of your books were written by you personally. They're just like the Bible that God never wrote himself."
He said: "I let my students do the writing as an exercise, then I check it. God evidently never checked up on the Bible since there are so many mistakes and contradictions.
I said: "Tell me how you arrived at your masterpiece "The Golden Rule"?"
He said: "That's a long story. Come on now, let's have lunch first!"
So you will have to wait for the next post to hear that story!
:smile:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#27 Postby VINDICATOR » March 9th, 2017, 3:03 pm

joke 24: Confucius' Golden Rule.
After lunch we continued our dicussion.
Me: Now tell us the story of the Golden Rule.
Confucius: I did not invent the Golden Rule. I just collected the scattered gems and made a crown of them. Everyone loves his family, so it's not necessary to tell him to be nice to them. Then some philosophers realized that just being nice to your family is not enough, so they proposed the next step: "Love your neighbors too." Then comes the next step. In China there is an old saying: "From sea to sea all men are brothers!" There are similar sayings all over the World. I thought why stop at the sea? All humans should be nice to each other! How do you be nice? Very simple, use yourself as a standard. If you like it then it's nice. Thus you get the Golden Rule taught by Jesus: "Do to others what you would like them to do to you." Let's call it JGR (J is for Jesus). This is the moral touchstone that philosophers have been searching for. I pondered this for a few days but it seemed to be insufficient. I'll tell you an anecdote to illustrate:
Once upon a time a young man's father was very sick in the hospital waiting to have a life-saving operation. The operation was extremely expensive but the young man was very poor. Then the word got around and dozens of warm-hearted strangers donated money and when he had enough then he thanked them with tears in his eyes and rushed off to the hospital with the life-saving money. Most of the donors never heard of the JGR but they donated because they empathized like most humans would and imagined how they would feel if they were in his predicament. When he got to the hospital he found that the money had been stolen by a pick-pocket!
Now this is where my version of the Golden Rule comes in: "Don't do to others what you wouldn't like them to do to you." Let's call it CGR. So you see, one person disobeying the CGR can completely nullify dozens of people obeying the JGR!
What I'm saying is that the JGR and CGR are both necessary and complementary, and usually the CGR is more important. That's because a single rotten egg can make a huge pot of mouth-watering stew stink to high heaven!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#28 Postby VINDICATOR » March 10th, 2017, 2:43 am

joke 25: Don't laugh, one day you will be like that too!
A couple in their 90s were having trouble remembering things. The doctor said that all old people have that problem and they should write things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up and asks, "Do you want anything while I'm in the kitchen?"
She said, "Get me a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top. Don't you think you should write it down?"
He said with a frown, "A bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top. I can remember that!" Then he toddled off.
After 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a whole minute and then asks, "Where's my toast?"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#29 Postby VINDICATOR » March 10th, 2017, 10:05 pm

joke 26:Confucius has some more to say.
Confucius: "I would like to take this opportunity to thank Maria Maclachlan for her article on the Golden Rule in Think Humanism. I believe The Golden Rule is one of the greatest creations of man. As I said, it is not my invention, many sages and philosophers have contributed to it over the ages. It is like the sun, and compared to it, all other codes of morality are like fire-flies! Take the Ten Commandments for example. The Christians advertise it all over and even erect monuments of it! Have you ever read it? The first 4 Commandments command you to worship God. (The God of Abraham) Anyone who doesn't will be banished to hell for eternal torture! His descendents for 4 generations all go to hell too! I have seen many crummy laws made by man, but only God makes a law that punishes you for something your ancestor did! (The Bill of Rights also forbids the use of "cruel and unusual punishment" like burning for eternity!)"
Me: "Why don't you post a thanks to Maria on the Forum yourself?"
Confucius: "You are now my student, and my students do all my writing as you know! Ha Ha! I will be checking it so don't make any mistakes!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#30 Postby VINDICATOR » March 12th, 2017, 11:45 am

joke 27: The Amish are peaceful people, but don't make them angry!
One day an Amish farmer was walking on his farm when he came across a stranger drinking from a pond. The farmer says something to the stranger in German which meant "Don't drink that water. The pigs piss and crap into it."
The stranger says: "I am a Muslim and don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you fu--ing infidel!"
The farmer then says in English: "If you use both hands to drink you can drink more and faster!"
:pointlaugh:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#31 Postby VINDICATOR » March 13th, 2017, 11:45 am

joke 28: (non religious)
Husband and wife were sitting on the porch enjoying the cool night air.
Husband: "In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls."
Wife: " who is Pearl and what were you two doing in the moonlight?"
:laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#32 Postby VINDICATOR » March 14th, 2017, 1:11 pm

joke 29: Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and one woman were having coffee together and this is what they said:
First man: "My son is a priest and when he comes into the room everyone calls him "Father."
Second man: "My son is a Bishop and when he comes into a room everyone calls him "Your Grace”.
Third man: "my son is a Cardinal and when he comes into a room everyone calls him "Your Emminence".
Fourth man: "My son is the Pope and when he comes into a room everyone calls him "Your Holiness".
Then they looked at the women expecting her to say something and she did!
The woman said: "My daughter is slim tall and pretty with 38DD breasts, 24 inch waist, and 34 inch hips. When she walks into a room people say: "Oh God!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#33 Postby VINDICATOR » March 16th, 2017, 1:54 pm

joke 30:typo
An old hospital was doing a repaint job. One morning a doctor arrived at his office and his eyes popped out when he saw what was painted on his door:
PSYCHO
THE
RAPIST
He screamed: "Damn it, that's all one word!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#34 Postby VINDICATOR » March 19th, 2017, 1:10 pm

joke 30: God vs Satan, who killed more people?
The other day I met another Fundamentalist and this is our conversation:
Fundy: "God is all goodness, Satan is all evil!"
Me: "How many people did God kill? How many did Satan kill?"
Fundy: "God never killed anyone, however he does execute criminals."
Me: "According to my calculations, God murdered at least 200 million people in the Great Flood alone! This includes millions of children and babies born and unborn (fetuses that you insist are people and won't let us abort!) Why did God "execute" all these children and fetuses?"
Fundy: "God warned that he was going to bring on this Great Flood after 100 years. God's purpose was to warn the evil people beforehand and give them an opportunity to ammend their ways. However, except for Noah's family, not a single person mended his evil ways in this 100 years! Therefore God had no choice but to execute them all!"
Me: "In those days, people seldom lived more than 60 years. It's quite safe to say that almost everyone that God had warned was already dead before the Flood came! So that means that those people that God murdered in the Great Flood were only the descendents of the "criminals" that had angered God! God is always punishing people for something their ancesters did!! (see the Ten Commandments for another instance of punishing people for something that their ancesters did!)"
Fundy: " You are going to hell!"
Me: "When you say that, that means that you have lost the argument!"

User avatar
animist
Posts: 5456
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#35 Postby animist » March 21st, 2017, 10:20 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:joke 30: God vs Satan, who killed more people?
Fundy: " You are going to hell!"
Me: "When you say that, that means that you have lost the argument!"
and are killing still more people

VINDICATOR
Posts: 66
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#36 Postby VINDICATOR » Yesterday, 2:45 am

Joke 32: Trump is an Atheist!?
I just saw in the Huffington Post that a Rev. Richard Brand has denounced Trump for being a phoney Christian and real Atheist! He gave many reason and here are 3 of them:
1-He has no knowledge of the Bible.
2-He doesn't attend worship.
3-He doesn't believe in Heaven or a final judgement.
I'm sorry Rev. Brand didn't say that a few months ago, otherwise I would have voted for Trump!
:hilarity: :hilarity:


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