INFORMATION

This website uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some of these cookies are essential to make our site work and others help us to improve by giving us some insight into how the site is being used. For further information, see our Privacy Policy.

God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
Message
Author
VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#21 Postby VINDICATOR » February 26th, 2017, 12:52 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

joke 18: The price of a dead horse.
A man bought a horse from a farmer for $250 who promised to deliver the next day. This is their conversation the next day.
farmer: "I'm sorry but the horse died last night. Here it is."
man: "Return me the $250 I gave you."
farmer: "I'm sorry but I spent the money already."
man: "Alright. Leave it here."
Some time later, the farmer asked the man what he did with the dead horse.
man: "I raffled it off at $5 a ticket and sold 101 tickets.
farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
man: "Just the guy who won, so I returned him the $5. That means I made $500. By the way, you still owe me $250!"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#22 Postby VINDICATOR » March 2nd, 2017, 12:06 pm

joke 19: Kudos! LGBTQ
The other day I came across my gay pal who was sighing pathetically. I sat down beside him and tried to cheer him up. This is our conversation.
Me: "Cheer up. You LGBTQ are doing fine. Some day people will treat you the same way they treat a south-paw, ie. no difference at all!"
Gay: "Americans were given freedom of religion the first day, (First Ammendment). Then it took almost 90 years for slaves to get their freedom (Ammendment 13). It took 130 years for women to get the right to vote (Ammendment 19). When will they make an Ammendment guaranteeing us LGBTQ complete equality?"
Me: "Is that necessary? Except for buying wedding cake, you have all the freedom you need."
Gay: I want people to recognize our contribution to civilization! Did you ever hear of Alan Turing? He was a mathematical genious in England who cracked the the Nazi code in WWII. Because of him, WWII was shortened by at least 2 years and at least 14 million lives were saved! He was a gay, and the laws against gays at the time forced him to commit suicide! They should erect a statue of him in Traffalger Square! His contribution to victory is second only to Churchil!"
Me: "Yes, I agree."
Gay: "Gays also have many merits that straights don't."
Me: "For instance?"
Gay: "We never rape girls, That's all done by straights!"
Me: "I never thought of that!"
Gay: "We don't contribute to the run-away population explosion!"
Me: "I think you have a run-away eulogy explosion!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#23 Postby VINDICATOR » March 3rd, 2017, 8:16 am

joke 20: The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack--selling ties.
Theterrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel! I don't need an over-priced western adornment--I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have only ties--pure silk--only $5."
"A curse on you and your ties. I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you. I want water!"
"OK," said the little old Jew. “It doesnt matter to me that you don't buy my tie, hate me, curse me, threaten my life and call me infidel. If you continue over that hill for 2 miles you will find a restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace!"
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,"They won't let me in without a tie!"
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#24 Postby VINDICATOR » March 5th, 2017, 1:57 pm

joke 21: Could you hear what the Priest said?
An elderly couple went to Church one Sunday. Half through the service the wife whispers in her husband's ear: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#25 Postby VINDICATOR » March 6th, 2017, 3:10 pm

joke 22:"I had it all!"
This morning I encountered a raggedy homeless man scrounging for food in a garbage can. I felt sorry for him so I stopped and had this conversation with him.
Me: "How did you end up in such a pathetic way? "
Him: "I wasn't always like this. Just up till last week I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet. I went to the pool, gym, library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debts. I even had full medical and dental coverage!"
Me: "Then what happened? Was it drugs? alcohol? divorce????"
Him: "Oh no, nothing like that. I just got out of prison!"
Me: (grumbling to myself: "So that's where my tax money went!")
:boohoo:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#26 Postby VINDICATOR » March 8th, 2017, 3:00 pm

joke 23: Confucius says--
While I was traveling around gathering news for this Forum, one day I came across Confucius' house and there he was in the doorway smiling at me.
He said: "Long time no see! Come in and have some tea with me."
I asked: "How did you know I would be coming today?"
He said: "I see "Think Humanism" on the internet too, and I knew you would be here to ask me some questions."
While we were having tea, he told me that the greatest enjoyment in his life was learning and teaching.
He said: "We don't know a thing when we come, someone has to teach us. Then we should use our wisdom to teach others."
I said: "You seem to know everything."
He said: "Impossible. See that farmer over there? He could write a book on farming and it would be all news to me! My friend Hippocrates said: "The life so short, the craft so long to learn---" ."
I said: "I heard that none of your books were written by you personally. They're just like the Bible that God never wrote himself."
He said: "I let my students do the writing as an exercise, then I check it. God evidently never checked up on the Bible since there are so many mistakes and contradictions.
I said: "Tell me how you arrived at your masterpiece "The Golden Rule"?"
He said: "That's a long story. Come on now, let's have lunch first!"
So you will have to wait for the next post to hear that story!
:smile:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#27 Postby VINDICATOR » March 9th, 2017, 3:03 pm

joke 24: Confucius' Golden Rule.
After lunch we continued our dicussion.
Me: Now tell us the story of the Golden Rule.
Confucius: I did not invent the Golden Rule. I just collected the scattered gems and made a crown of them. Everyone loves his family, so it's not necessary to tell him to be nice to them. Then some philosophers realized that just being nice to your family is not enough, so they proposed the next step: "Love your neighbors too." Then comes the next step. In China there is an old saying: "From sea to sea all men are brothers!" There are similar sayings all over the World. I thought why stop at the sea? All humans should be nice to each other! How do you be nice? Very simple, use yourself as a standard. If you like it then it's nice. Thus you get the Golden Rule taught by Jesus: "Do to others what you would like them to do to you." Let's call it JGR (J is for Jesus). This is the moral touchstone that philosophers have been searching for. I pondered this for a few days but it seemed to be insufficient. I'll tell you an anecdote to illustrate:
Once upon a time a young man's father was very sick in the hospital waiting to have a life-saving operation. The operation was extremely expensive but the young man was very poor. Then the word got around and dozens of warm-hearted strangers donated money and when he had enough then he thanked them with tears in his eyes and rushed off to the hospital with the life-saving money. Most of the donors never heard of the JGR but they donated because they empathized like most humans would and imagined how they would feel if they were in his predicament. When he got to the hospital he found that the money had been stolen by a pick-pocket!
Now this is where my version of the Golden Rule comes in: "Don't do to others what you wouldn't like them to do to you." Let's call it CGR. So you see, one person disobeying the CGR can completely nullify dozens of people obeying the JGR!
What I'm saying is that the JGR and CGR are both necessary and complementary, and usually the CGR is more important. That's because a single rotten egg can make a huge pot of mouth-watering stew stink to high heaven!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#28 Postby VINDICATOR » March 10th, 2017, 2:43 am

joke 25: Don't laugh, one day you will be like that too!
A couple in their 90s were having trouble remembering things. The doctor said that all old people have that problem and they should write things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up and asks, "Do you want anything while I'm in the kitchen?"
She said, "Get me a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top. Don't you think you should write it down?"
He said with a frown, "A bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top. I can remember that!" Then he toddled off.
After 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a whole minute and then asks, "Where's my toast?"
:laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#29 Postby VINDICATOR » March 10th, 2017, 10:05 pm

joke 26:Confucius has some more to say.
Confucius: "I would like to take this opportunity to thank Maria Maclachlan for her article on the Golden Rule in Think Humanism. I believe The Golden Rule is one of the greatest creations of man. As I said, it is not my invention, many sages and philosophers have contributed to it over the ages. It is like the sun, and compared to it, all other codes of morality are like fire-flies! Take the Ten Commandments for example. The Christians advertise it all over and even erect monuments of it! Have you ever read it? The first 4 Commandments command you to worship God. (The God of Abraham) Anyone who doesn't will be banished to hell for eternal torture! His descendents for 4 generations all go to hell too! I have seen many crummy laws made by man, but only God makes a law that punishes you for something your ancestor did! (The Bill of Rights also forbids the use of "cruel and unusual punishment" like burning for eternity!)"
Me: "Why don't you post a thanks to Maria on the Forum yourself?"
Confucius: "You are now my student, and my students do all my writing as you know! Ha Ha! I will be checking it so don't make any mistakes!"

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#30 Postby VINDICATOR » March 12th, 2017, 11:45 am

joke 27: The Amish are peaceful people, but don't make them angry!
One day an Amish farmer was walking on his farm when he came across a stranger drinking from a pond. The farmer says something to the stranger in German which meant "Don't drink that water. The pigs piss and crap into it."
The stranger says: "I am a Muslim and don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you fu--ing infidel!"
The farmer then says in English: "If you use both hands to drink you can drink more and faster!"
:pointlaugh:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#31 Postby VINDICATOR » March 13th, 2017, 11:45 am

joke 28: (non religious)
Husband and wife were sitting on the porch enjoying the cool night air.
Husband: "In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls."
Wife: " who is Pearl and what were you two doing in the moonlight?"
:laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#32 Postby VINDICATOR » March 14th, 2017, 1:11 pm

joke 29: Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and one woman were having coffee together and this is what they said:
First man: "My son is a priest and when he comes into the room everyone calls him "Father."
Second man: "My son is a Bishop and when he comes into a room everyone calls him "Your Grace”.
Third man: "my son is a Cardinal and when he comes into a room everyone calls him "Your Emminence".
Fourth man: "My son is the Pope and when he comes into a room everyone calls him "Your Holiness".
Then they looked at the women expecting her to say something and she did!
The woman said: "My daughter is slim tall and pretty with 38DD breasts, 24 inch waist, and 34 inch hips. When she walks into a room people say: "Oh God!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#33 Postby VINDICATOR » March 16th, 2017, 1:54 pm

joke 30:typo
An old hospital was doing a repaint job. One morning a doctor arrived at his office and his eyes popped out when he saw what was painted on his door:
PSYCHO
THE
RAPIST
He screamed: "Damn it, that's all one word!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#34 Postby VINDICATOR » March 19th, 2017, 1:10 pm

joke 30: God vs Satan, who killed more people?
The other day I met another Fundamentalist and this is our conversation:
Fundy: "God is all goodness, Satan is all evil!"
Me: "How many people did God kill? How many did Satan kill?"
Fundy: "God never killed anyone, however he does execute criminals."
Me: "According to my calculations, God murdered at least 200 million people in the Great Flood alone! This includes millions of children and babies born and unborn (fetuses that you insist are people and won't let us abort!) Why did God "execute" all these children and fetuses?"
Fundy: "God warned that he was going to bring on this Great Flood after 100 years. God's purpose was to warn the evil people beforehand and give them an opportunity to ammend their ways. However, except for Noah's family, not a single person mended his evil ways in this 100 years! Therefore God had no choice but to execute them all!"
Me: "In those days, people seldom lived more than 60 years. It's quite safe to say that almost everyone that God had warned was already dead before the Flood came! So that means that those people that God murdered in the Great Flood were only the descendents of the "criminals" that had angered God! God is always punishing people for something their ancesters did!! (see the Ten Commandments for another instance of punishing people for something that their ancesters did!)"
Fundy: " You are going to hell!"
Me: "When you say that, that means that you have lost the argument!"

User avatar
animist
Posts: 5824
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#35 Postby animist » March 21st, 2017, 10:20 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:joke 30: God vs Satan, who killed more people?
Fundy: " You are going to hell!"
Me: "When you say that, that means that you have lost the argument!"
and are killing still more people

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#36 Postby VINDICATOR » March 23rd, 2017, 2:45 am

Joke 32: Trump is an Atheist!?
I just saw in the Huffington Post that a Rev. Richard Brand has denounced Trump for being a phoney Christian and real Atheist! He gave many reason and here are 3 of them:
1-He has no knowledge of the Bible.
2-He doesn't attend worship.
3-He doesn't believe in Heaven or a final judgement.
I'm sorry Rev. Brand didn't say that a few months ago, otherwise I would have voted for Trump!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#37 Postby VINDICATOR » March 26th, 2017, 2:09 pm

joke 33: Noah's Ark, the greatest man-made marvel in history!
I will show you how the Ark is greater than the pyramids, even greater than the Appolo trips to the moon!
According to my estimates, the construction of the Ark took at least 10000 slaves 100 years to accomplish! The project can use 3 words to describe: Immense, Difficult, Amazing!
Today let us just consider the size:
Except for the unclean animals, which probably means serpents and pigs, all the other animals should be clean, thus there would be 14 of them (7 pairs). All the animals of the whole world would have to be included because everything not on the ark would be destroyed. There would be thousands of types of animals. Our Evangelist Ken Ham proved the existence of dinosaurs, (See his book "The great dinosaur mystery solved") and to make his point, he put some on the ark he made in Kentucky. Now there are dozens of types of dinosaurs. Some, like the sauraposeidon weigh as much as 10 elephants and are 6 stories high! Just the 14 of them would eat almost a ton of food a day! They would be on the ark the better part of a year. When the animals got off the ark, the whole Earth would have been devastated to a huge desert like Mars, and all the thousands of animals would be dependent on the food in the ark for many years before the Earth could recover it's ecology and be able to sustain them (possibly as much as 10,000 animals)!
Please remember that there were no refrigerators at that time and keeping so much food edible for so many years would be an amazing feat! Some animals refuse to eat preserved vegetables and salted meat so you would also have to have a plantation on the ark to produce fresh food for them!
Another problem is the mold, germs and viruses. They would all die off too if left to themselves in the flood. The viruses for smallpox and other diseases are especially troublesome. We can't leve them behind, we also have to give them a host to infect, but at the same time we have to prevent them from spreading the disease. Even today this would be an amazing feat!
After the flood the whole world would be a desert so don't forget to bring huge quantities of seeds and seedlings needed to restore the ecology.
According to my estimates, the Ark would have to be the size of at least 100 Buckingham Palaces!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#38 Postby VINDICATOR » March 27th, 2017, 3:10 pm

joke34: Noah's Ark. Episode 2.
Now lets see how the Ark was made.
The only material to make the ark would be wood. Because this was the bronze age, we would see no steel. There were no power tools or construction machinery. Everything was done by hand, from cutting up the timber to erecting the ark structure. Imagine using bronze hand saws to cut up the millions of planks of wood needed for such a huge ark. I don't know how it was held together. They had no nails or screws. The Bible mentions "pitch" but I doubt if that is strong enough to hold such a huge structure together. Using 10,000 slaves working for 100 years is a conservative estimate! Just designing the ark and getting together all the construction material would take 20 years! Thousands of square miles of forest would have to be destroyed for the wood!
Constructing the ark is just half of the problem. Dozens of expeditions to the far corners of the Earth would have to be organized to collect the flora and fauna of the whole world to be preserved on the Ark! Fleets of smaller boats would have to be created to go to Antarctica to collect some penguins etc. Other fleets would go to Australia to pick up the kangaroos and kola bears etc. America for the turkeys etc., China for the Pandas and the bamboo which is the only thing they will eat, Siberia for the polar bear etc. and so on. Don't forget that you have to return them after the flood resides and after you have restored the local ecology so that they can forage for themselves and not be dependant forever on the food in the Ark!
There is one more interesting problem but that will have to wait for my next installment!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#39 Postby VINDICATOR » March 28th, 2017, 1:05 pm

joke 35: Noah's Ark. Episode 3. Ecological restoration.
When the Flood subsided, did Noah just open the door and let the animals out? Certainly not! After the Flood, all the continents had been turned into huge deserts without a speck of life. The face of the Earth resembled the face of planet Mars! They would all starve to death! Noah would first have to send out expeditions all over the world to restore the ecology by planting and afforestation using the seeds and sapplings and seedlings of all the flora-fauna he had collected there before the Flood and were on the Ark. This would probably take dozens of years so all these animals woul be still eating off the Ark then. (Now do you see why the Ark had to be so immense!) Maybe they were running out of food so the sacrificed the dinosaurs. That would be the real reason for the extinction of the dinosaurs! Then Noah would have to send out the expeditions for the third time to return the animals to their respective continents!
Sorry, that "most interesting problem" will still have to wait till my next episode!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#40 Postby VINDICATOR » March 29th, 2017, 3:45 am

joke 36: a non-religious joke. More on the Ark tomorrow!
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. She picks up the phone and he just hears what she says:
"Hello? Oh hi...I'm so glad you called...Really? That's wonderful...Glad to hear you're having such a good time.... ok, Bye bye!"
She hangs up and he asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replied : "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you!"
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 208
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#41 Postby VINDICATOR » March 29th, 2017, 12:38 pm

joke37: Noah's Ark. Episode 4. The grandest project in human history!
I already left out half the problems that had to be solved, such as: Where did Noah get the 10,000 slaves to do the job? How did he acquire and preserve the thousands of tons of food needed to eat for dozens of years? Where did he get the huge fleet of ships needed for the three great expeditions to all the corners of the Earth? Who would take care of all the thousands of animals on the Ark? (Feeding them, cleaning out their poop, curing them when they got sick, keeping them amused so they wouldn't tear the Ark apart, etc.) Now for the final question!
According to the Bible, there were only 8 people on the Ark, all were Jews/semitics. Obviously, their descendents would be too. Everyone else was killed in the Flood! Then those African Blacks, Asian Yellows, Caucasion whites, American Reds, etc. races that we see today, WHERE DID THEY COME FROM!!
I can think of 3 scenarios. However, they all stink!
Scenario 1: They are all descendants of Noah, it's the result of evolution! Theists say no! they don't believe in evolution. Atheists say no too. A change like that would take hundreds of thousands of years, not a measly 4000 years!
Scenario 2: The Jews were "God's Chosen People". All the other races weren't people, they were animals! So each race could have 7 pairs on the Ark to spawn their descendants! (That means God is a racist!)
Scenario 3: The extraterrestrials brought them here! (I think Scientology says we were all brought here by the extraterrestrials, that means they were right!)
Now dear reader, if you have a different scenario please share it with us here! You might get a Noble (sic) Prize!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:


Return to “Comedy Club”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest